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Keeps cheating with no remorse

Question Posted Tuesday December 21 2010, 8:53 pm

So i've been with my boyfriend for over a year now, i'm only 17 and he's pretty much my first real long term relationship. The only thing is when we first got together he wasn't very attentive and well like most teenage boys clueless about anything. He had a friend that was very romantic and came after me and i had never had that type of attention before and i fell for him. So i cheated on my boyfriend, who i then broke up with so i could convince myself that the cheating meant something, but my boyfriend then pulled his shit together and wouldn't let me just leave and when i tried to break it off with the other guy he threatened to tell my boyfriend everything if i didn't sleep with him, so i did and he virtually left me alone to be with my boyfriend after. It sounds screwed up but it sounds like lesson learned, right? the only issue is i never felt bad about cheating i only felt terrified of getting caught and once i was in the clear from being caught i relaxed and enjoyed my relationship.Now you see my boyfriend is a real goody and i started hanging out with i guess you could say some bad kids, not really bad just not straight-edge and i started feeling really drawn towards this one guy in the group and now we kiss and cuddle and talk a lot. I'm not going to do anything more with him than kiss but still i should be feeling bad, right? it's not that i don't love my boyfriend cause i do (and nobody tell me this whole 'if you really loved him you wouldn't be cheating on him' bull crap. life isn't black and white)

I don't understand why i don't feel bad about the cheating. does this mean i'm a bad person? or like a slut? i'm not sleeping around or anything, i'm not gonna lie most of these cheating things are way more emotional than physical (the first guy was at first but then he threatened me and i just decided i deserved the punishment). can someone maybe provide some insight for me? i just want to know why i don't feel bad and why i don't seem to have 'learned my lesson'?

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Alin75 answered Tuesday December 21 2010, 11:29 pm:
Well, I would say you haven't learned your lesson because you dont feel bad. And since getting caught is your only disincentive, because you have not been caught.

Now, I am no psychologist so I cant say with certainty why you do not feel bad. Also, I dont know you beyond this question. So the best I can do is throw some questions at you that may help you discover if there is something wrong.

The reason people say that "if you loved him you would not cheat on him" is because love, to most people, implies that they deeply care about the other person. It also implies trust, which is broken irrespective of whether you are caught or not. So, while I do believe that people can make mistakes etc, I also think that regularly cheating on someone, does mean that you don't care as much for that person as you think you do. Otherwise why would you risk hurting them? Why would you not respect the trust in the relationship?

Try answer the question: If I truly love my boyfriend, why am I not afraid of hurting his feelings?

And a quick sidenote in regards to emotional vs physical cheating. It counts just as much. To some even more than the physical believe it or not.

Remorse is something some people cant feel. Others just lack a bit of empathy. Do you normally feel bad when bad things happen to others? Or if you gained something, but ended up hurting someone's feelings? Do you feel bad solely for them? Also, do you normally consider the interests of others on par with your own when you evaluate a situation? If you don't that could be a sign that there is something wrong and I would suggest you talk to a professional. Otherwise it might just be down to maturity (and I truly do not mean that in a condescending way).

Certainly I find the tone of your question a bit chilling because, while you speak about love, I only see concern for yourself.

Anyway, I hope you figure this out. Good luck.

[ Alin75's advice column | Ask Alin75 A Question

Razhie answered Tuesday December 21 2010, 11:08 pm:
Of course you can still love someone and cheat. People who are truly in love can do awful, unforgivable things to one another.

The problem is that you don't respect him enough to not deceive him. Your problem isn't cheating. It's lying.

It's the fact you get off on lying, on pulling one over on him, on establishing emotional and sexual connections with others under his nose.

Maybe an inability to commit completely to one romantic partner is just the way you are. There is nothing inherently wrong with that, until you lie to a partner about that ability.

Maybe there is nothing at all wrong with you, except for the fact you are deceiving someone right now.

You are still at the early stages of self discovery, so I'm not going to throw out a bunch of theories of why you are this way, but I'll tell you this:
You ARE this way. You know it, and every day you pretend you are not this way with your boyfriend, you are behaving like a rather awful human being.
You need to fess up to your boyfriend, or break up with him.

Tell him the truth of who you are, and ask him to understand you aren't interested in or capable of a strictly monogamous relationship, and hope he is open to a different, honest relationship with you. Or walk away from him without that confession.

Anything less is deceit and betrayal. It's not a failure to love - it's a failure to respect another person enough to tell them the truth, to let them have their own opinions and beliefs, and to make their own decisions with all the information. Cheating or not, that lack of respect does make you a pretty lousy person to be with.

Why don't you feel bad? Maybe you are nuts. Maybe you are awful. Maybe you are just that selfish. Maybe monogamy is just not for you. Maybe you are an alien being. It doesn't really matter.
Whatever the reason, to be a respectful and honest human being, you need to behave better.

[ Razhie's advice column | Ask Razhie A Question

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