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My grandma died today and I don't feel sad...?
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You answered this question for me to and helped a lot. Haven't seen a consoler yet considering it but just so you know more about me:
I am fourteen year old female. My grandma who lives in another state died today. We all knew it was coming she had cancer and was given 24-48 hours to live Monday. So today in school I felt like she was gone and died just a feeling. I told my friend. I come home and find out my gut had been correct she had died and I have been left with a few rings. The thing is I don't feel sad.. I seen her last this summer for a day but aside from that I haven't seen her in years. Last was when I visited her and my grandpa in sixth grade which was a fun trip. I wrote her a letter a month ago reminding her of the good times we had on that trip.. But now I feel nothing.. When I found out she was dying I felt nothing.. I don't feel sad. And when I talk about it with my friends I talk about it like it's no big deal although she was very nice and will be missed by many people. It was like this when my aunt and grandpa died a few years ago too.. nothing. It still feels like they are here I just don't see them anymore.. It doesn't feel like they are gone. It's tough because I feel heartless and come off as heartless. I just don't want to cry. I hate crying.
Also, should I go to the funeral? I would but I don't want to cry and I don't want to say goodbye. It probably is the right thing to do. I just hate funerals they are to sad and sappy. Is there something wrong with the way I'm feeling?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
You're locking it all away.
When I was in first grade, my mother's mother died. She was awesome to me, the first thing I did when I got to her house was run to a shelf and grab a book, which she'd read to me (ignoring everyone else in the room) by way of greeting.
When she died, at the funeral, I just stood there. My mother broke down and I held her and told her everything would be OK. I was doing everything I could to be the stable center in the middle of grief.
I requested to ride home with my uncle. I couldn't cry in front of my parents. I was scared shitless of showing weakness in front of them. When we got to where we were going after the burial, I closed up and wiped my face off and didn't shed another tear over it. Ever.
More recently I lost my paternal grandfather to cancer. I never cried over it. Instead I smiled, remembering the times we spent together. I told a few people he died and then regaled them with stories of fishing and other time we spent together. I told them about his past as a World War 2 fighter pilot.
My defensive mechanisms are still there. Only instead of being numb I focus on the good, the happy memories, and while I miss my grandfather all I can think about when he comes to mind is how awesome he was.
For whatever reason, you feel the need to lock yourself away. There's something, conscious or subconscious, that's making you feel like you need to protect yourself. Your defensive mechanisms are still there too.
I've said it before. You're not emotionless. You're closed off. Imagine a water spigot. When you close it and turn it off, does that mean the water's gone?
It's not. It's right there just below the surface. Given enough pressure, things explode.
I think you need to let yourself cry. In private if that helps, where no one will ever know. That's what I've always done. The only person who's seen me cry in the last decade and a half is my wife. It's just how I am.
It doesn't mean you're heartless. It means you need to be aware that you yourself create walls between what you feel and the parts of yourself that might be damaged by feeling. You need to be aware because no person can put off everything they feel forever. The pressure becomes too much and you eventually break down.
It happened to me right about 21. My parents were trying to be overly controlling again, I told them to go to hell, and lost my shit. Took me a few years to recover. I'm a walking example of what happens when you don't deal with your shit, don't let yourself feel some of the pain you're going through so you can put it behind you.
There's nothing wrong with what you're feeling. It's pretty natural. But you can't allow yourself to avoid things as much as you want to. Avoidance doesn't last forever. Go to the funeral. If you feel like you can't cry in front of people, walk off alone and sit down out of sight. Say your goodbyes, because it's all you can do.
Your grandmother would want you to, because once you say goodbye it's real. Once it's real you can begin to accept and move on. Once you move on, you can be happy.
You need to stop ragging on yourself. My final bit of advice...
Everyone works differently. It's taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that my emotional spectrum and general reactions are not exactly what would be termed "normal".
But alot of experience talking to others like us, and others different tells me that alot fewer people fall within what is considered "normal" than you think. Everyone experiences things differently. Being the kind of person who's a little scared of being vulnerable doesn't make you heartless. Bit of a control freak probably, but definitely not heartless.
Just keep searching for the chinks in the wall. There are always holes. Let yourself feel a little bit, and I continue to urge you to find someone to talk to, someone with some credentials to back up their advice.
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