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My cousin killed herself and my whole life fell apart
My whole life changed this past Valentine's Day at about 4 in the morning. My cousin, who had always been my best friend/closest confidante/party buddy and had become my roommate at college as well (as well as our respective signifigant others) took her own life in the kitchen of our place. Her boyfriend and I ran downstairs together, and when we got down there...she was just laying there...and I had lost the closest person to me, someone who before that moment I could never remember living without her being in my life. I had no idea she was even thinking of doing anything like that; the four of us had been together partying all night and nothing seemed worng at all. I didn't even know she owned a gun, much less had it at our place.
Now my whole world has unraveled. My girlfriend and I broke up not too long after this. My family and hers used to be really close; now her parents are getting divorced and they've stopped talking to my parents, and my parents have all but stopped talking to me. My sister and her brother are really Christian and they're blaming me for this, but in all honesty, Kara and I smoked our first joint and drank our beer together becaue we both wanted to, not because one of us talked the other one into it. I see Kara's boyfriend's in Huddle House some, late at night always and drinking coffee. I sit down and try to talk to him, as do a lot of other people, but he never acknowledges us, just stares off into the distance. I go to college in a small town not far from where Kara and I went to high school, and everybody knew us, it always seemed...and now everybody wants to know the inside story of what happened...and I don't know what to say, because I was as blindsided as they were.
What am I going to do? I feel so lost, trapped, and helpless...
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
This is exactly why I keep telling people who ask that there is no painless way to commit suicide.
The first thing you need to do is to believe that it was not your fault. Your cousin did this for her own reasons. She was likely extremely depressed. This has nothing to do with any drug or alcohol use that you were involved in. Don't blame yourself. Unless someone with mental illness opens up to others, there's no way of telling it's there. You can't be expected to see things that are being actively hidden from you.
As for your family, their behaviour absolutely disgusts me. In times of crisis, family is supposed to stick together and help each other. Instead of being there for you, as one of the most affected by all of this, they're choosing to put their own grief in priority over your emotional well-being. It might be best if you aren't communicating with those of your family who abandoned you. Right now, you need support and love, not judgment and blame.
Above all else, you need to seek therapy. This is a traumatic event in your life, and you may be dealing with post-traumatic stress, or depression brought on by the situation. Even if you don't have coverage, your college probably has free mental health care for students. If you feel at all in danger from yourself, please go to a hospital emergency room immediately. They can hold you until the crisis passes, and even help refer you to a good mental health care provider. With the help of therapy and possibly medication, you can get through this time in your life.
Surround yourself with those who have been there for you. Make sure that you're in a safe, loving environment. Remember that although your cousin's life has ended, yours has not. Your cousin would want you to keep on living, and to not live the rest of your life in sadness. If you feel that you need to take some time off of school to recuperate, do so. Take a little time off to travel, or just to sort through things.
As someone who has attempted suicide before, this absolutely breaks my heart. Please know that your cousin did not want to hurt you, or anyone. People who commit suicide don't feel like they are worth grieving over. They don't feel like anyone will miss them. Hold her memory in your heart, and please don't hate her for what she did.
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