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So where do I start to explain.
I belonged to this spiritual family. I still owe them much thanks and deepest respect, but the site has a dark side to it. The owner, she is like a sister to me, and a few others are known to be the most powerful and hotheaded on the site. (you know, woman with a bit of fire and attitude? hehe. No offense, this is a special case ). So it is hard to negotiate sometimes, everyone has some fear of her. Like i told her "Those who left months ago and I are different. Fear can make people do crazy $#!%, and cause harm. the opposite of fear is love. I am not afraid."
Im not the only one who has left, 2 of the admins so far have left recently. but twice we had a trend where people left and said and done reckless things (back in dec 2009 and this April). I naturally try to see both sides of it. I sympathize with them, but not their actions. It is sad for me to see the only thing they take care about even temporarily are site features and events. They don`t try to think what reason they would have left for, when the answers are there. Now its gotten quite bad, and even the once most loyal people feel it is time to leave.
Normally im not the self-considerate type. It was a hard move to make, but i guess i am getting older and wiser that I am thinking and understanding how dim reality can be. I had hopes that i could draw closer to her that i actualy become influential and able to help her, but there are too many roadblocks. Leaving would be best for me as it is no longer nurturing and right now im soul searching because theres just this empty hole somewhere and im not sure what i need to fill it. Im not sure who I am anymore. In a sense, i did this for her too, I would rather leave with a whisper than a bang, but i knew they would be upset, and think lowly of me, when I only mean good.
It is not my job to teach her, it is something only she can learn on her own.
How do i stay strong? I am still somewhat empathic to her, and to the sites general energy. I pray for her now, but I know its hard. Even I got physically sick the day after.
How do i stay strong and dignified?
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Darlin,
only you can make yourself stay strong and dignified. I say that you keep telling yourself WHY you did it and the good that came out of it. But don't forget to think about the bad consequences as well..
you did it to mainly help yourself, but also the site manager as well. I actually very much think what you did means you are a good person.
Though i don't know your whole story and I don't know what this girl has been doing, i know you made the right choice.
You just have to find the energy within yourself to stay strong and not break. Only then can you answer the question "how do i stay strong and dignified?"
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