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pursuing a relationship
What is it with black college men and not wanting to be "tied down" as they call it, meaning in a relationship.
My best friend and I have been hanging out multiple times a week for several months now, we have admitted to liking each other, that we aren't seeing or talking to anyone else, and yet we are not official? Why? Although I love him, and he's my best friend, I feel like I'm wasting my time, I want something more meaningful then what we have now, I want a relationship.
How do I approach the subject? We haven't talked about it, any topic of relationship and commitment has been so far avoided. I haven't mentioned anything because part of me wants him to say something first, and the other part is scared of him saying no which will screw up our friendship. Also when do I approach the subject? Right up front or when I'm about to leave? I need guidance on this! Lol! And what exactly do I say.
If his answer is no, then that means we won't be able to be such close friends anymore because if I get another man in my life it will be awkward, and I'll probably have a hard time getting over my feelings for him, especially since we are in the same major and take all the same classes in college.
Oh and don't say he could be using me, because we are intimate very rarely, we hang out as friends much more often.
Thanks!
Me: 19
Him: 24
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Sorry. I know you didn't want to hear this, but "we are intimate very rarely" raised the RED FLAG. "Very rarely" is just enough to keep him coming around without making a commitment. Look, its not that there's something wrong with you. He's a guy! If someone is offering, he's not going to turn it down. If you want this relationship to go to the next level, for real, turn him down. Seriously. Stop having sex. Trust me on this. I promise you if you set some standards he will be more intrigued. Ever heard that old saying? "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Its true. I've been married for 10 years. We dated in college. I didn't sleep with him. I once asked my husband if he would have married me if I had started sleeping with him back then. Quite honestly, he answered no. He said if I had I would have been like every other girl to him, and he wouldn't have been motivated to get closer to me. The "hunt" was what kept his attention. As we got closer, he realized he really wanted to be with me, and THAT'S what inspired him to commit to me. Girls make the mistake all the time of sleeping with a guy and then thinking that will make him more interested. Its really the opposite. If you don't believe me, ask a male friend (not him). Trust me on this one. Stop sleeping with him and set some standards. My guess is he'll rise to meet them or back off. Either way, you'll know where you stand.
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Wow... this is a tough one. Cuz in my experience, the girl never wants to go out with me because she doesn't want to screw up our friendship.
Well you could always give it a try. Kind of bring it up as a joke or something to ease your way into it. Like
YOU: "Its crazy. A lot of my friends don't make plans with me because they assume that I'm always with my 'boyfriend"
HIM: "Huh? You have a boyfriend?"
YOU: "No. But my friends think that YOU are my boyfriend."
HIM: "Oh really?"
YOU: "Yeah. I mean I guess it would be cool because we're always together anyway but... I dunno. What do you think?"
HIM: "Um... I dunno. Maybe..."(He's probably nervous if he says this)
YOU: "Well... Why don't we give it a try?"
Well realistically, it's easier said than done, but use something along those lines.
I dunno about men in general abound not being "tied down." Because usually when I think of that, I think of "Serious relationship working our way to marriage." To me, I don't really want a relationship because I don't want to be dragged to the mall shopping for shoes for 2 hours! Haha!
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