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Showing Emotions
This may be a bit long, Bare with me.
As long as I could remember I've always had trouble showing emotions, When someone gives me a gift I don't really know how to show appreciation or say thank you in a way I appreciate it. When someone hurts themselves, I have this nasty tendency to laugh...not because I think it's funny but I don't know how to react. If someone greets me with a hello..I act awkward and smile and say "Hi" under my breath which most of the time you can't even hear it. In a crowded area, I'm always the one to sit nearest to the door looking for a way out and I would prefer not to talk to people and I have friends but most of the time I don't really feel like seeing them instead I'd rather just do my own thing and talk over the computer or through text messages. I don't know what is wrong with me, I have social anxiety and I have depression but I'm on medication for it and I feel great! but I still don't know why I act this way...Sometimes I question myself if I have some sort of autism but I'm not sure of the signs or symptoms. Can anyone explain to me what they think? (Preferably people who actually know what they are talking about...)
thank you
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I could have written this about myself. I work in a very active environment that requires frequent contact with other people. Restricted to the job and job-related things, I can talk all day. Change to a more social conversation and I'm done. I can't even carry on a decent conversation with my own team of co-workers, people that I spend every workday with.
Let me tell you what I think is responsible for this in ME, and perhaps you can see if any of it is applicable to you.
My father was a caring, loving man, but was worked practically day and night. When he was home, he was clearly tired, but did make time as best he could for the family. He was a laid back man, it took a lot to ruffle his feathers.
My mother, on the other hand, left in charge of pretty much every aspect of family life, was the polar opposite. She was controlling and demanding. Everything was her way, or it was wrong. If she gave me a dustpan and broom to clean up spilled dog food, I got in one or two sweeps and then she took over because I wasn't "doing it right." That happened with everything.
I can see the things that you write about in myself. I have no confidence in myself, despite some accomplishments that I know are exceptional. I go out of my way to avoid social contact, although I am very happily married. (To a very understanding wife, it goes without saying.)
I don't know if this has helped you see that, at the very least, you are not alone. I also don't know if this has helped at all - I hope that it has.
If you are basing your concern ONLY on what you've written here, you defintely do not have autism. (Or we both do, I guess.)
In a nutshell, I think that enviroment and/or genetic programming is responsible for the way that we are. I also think that it's just something that IS. A line from a movie that I no longer remember goes: "It is what it is."
It's not the way that I would choose to be. I'll be standing in line at a supermarket or filling up my gas tank and someone will just start talking to me. I've always felt envious of their ability to do that. Though not stupid, the problem more often than not is that I can't think of anything worthwhile to say.... but I can type far more than most people are willing to read. (Grin)
I wish you all the best, and hope that you can find peace with the way that you are.
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I don't think that I would go as far as to say that you have autism mainly because you recognize all your weird social patterns. I would just say your socially awkward. From what you say it seems like this has been something that you have been struggling with your entire life. Well old habbits die hard. The anti depressents you are on are just going to regulate your moods. There not going to magically make you into a whole new person socially. This is something you are going to have to do on your own. There is no medication tthat a doctor can give you to make you speak up and say hello in a peppy manner. That is something that you have to hold yourself accountable for. Your going to ultimatley have to go out of your comfort zone if you want to see changes. Its going to be awkward as fuck at times, but that sums up life really. Just get in the habbit of being more friendly. Speak up. Be confident. And if your not a confident person, maybe you should work on gaining some.
But don't think that everyone has to be bubbly and friendly. You seem to be more of an introvert, and that's totally normmal!! A lot of people prefer to keep more to them selves. Nothing wrong with that. Just make sure that you do have the ability to be outgoing and friendly.
And as far as laughing when people get hurt, so does the rest of the population. Havnt you ever watched americas funniest home videos? The important thing is that you also make sure that they are okay.
Hope I helped!
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