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just read this, and say you you have an idea on what i can do.
WARNING! VERY LONG.
hi. so i know the title is pretty vague, but i don't have a clue on what my situation is. firstly, i put down friendships as my catergory, but it's a lot to do with families and mental health.
so i'll start off by lettin gyou know that i'm clinically depressed. i've always been like this, since i was six. well that's my first memories of it. it's not uncommon, it's genetic. it does rule my life, and i think that if i had friends who were willing to listen to me tell them how to handle me, i'd be fine, despite that fact that i cut myself a lot - not too badly, nothing that would seriously hurt me, don't worry, they're practically scratches. unfortunatley, i don't have any friends. I also don't have family, but i'll explain that later.
I've tried counselling and therapy. i can't stand that soemone who doesn't, and will not ever care about me, is being paid to listen to me. i want a friend who actually genuinely does care about me to listen to me. like i say, i don't have that. i am fully aware of my depression, since i've had a long time to analyse myself. however, it's not just my attitudes to things that need changing. i know i have low self esteem, and tend to think negitavely. but i'm quite smart, and i think i can, and do change that mind set a lot of the time. unfortunatley, my situation really is against me. i'm in a school for people who are a lot smarter than me, and altough i know i'm clever, i feel constantly put down by them. the one person who i talk to most, and i guess by your terms, you could say she's my best friend, though i don't like her very much, even beat me to a scholarship, and though i don't say anything, it hurt me a lot.
Although i'm pretty aware of my mental health, i do tend to shut myself off. i can't help it. i finally got some ounce of courage to ask my GP about it. i already know, but i wanted some medication to make it easier. but she told me i'd ave to have a session with a specialist beofrehand, and i chickend out. i'm a pretty good liar, i have to be, because i get asked if i'm okay a lot by teachers, some even recommending me to therapists, and even when i'm in a doctors office, and am MEANT to talk about it, my defences go up, and i start pretending that i'm fine, causing them to believe me. it's my own damn fault, and i now, and it's killing me.
i know this may all sound really confusing. it's like i want help but am refusing to ask for it.
It's really complicated, i don't htink anyone can understand it, because every type of depression is different.
As well as all that shit, My dad walked out on me and my mom wen i was thriteen. i really can't bring myself to talk to anyone about it. remember i told you about my 'best friend'? well the most i've said to her is that i think my dad is a son of a bitch (which he is.) and my mom is a useless pathetic mess, who i am completely ashamed of. (i didn't tell her the last bit.)
Whenever i get into my lowest points, my mind automatically thinks about this, and all the other crap in my life (WHICH I REFUSE TO TALK ABOUT. IT'S FAR MORE PAINFUL FOR ME TO THINK ABOUT.), it jsut makes it worse.
I sometimesget into theese moods, in whihc my friend calls me a stone wall, because no matter ho ard she pushes, i won't talk or do anything.
I know it sounds like she want to talk to me, but it's hard to expalin. i know she doens't because i can tell se just gets annoyed at me, even when i try to start talking about it. i just got out of a really low point, and tried to tell her i had a bad week, and she just rolls her eyes and asks me that in comparision to starving kids in africa, what do i have to complain about. her mom has cancer, so i know thta everyone has teir own crap. but no on seems to get how hard it is to do this completely by myself.
i don't want to get on about my family, because it hurts a lot, but it's safe to say, i am alone.
i wish my friend could be online or something, so i could try to takl to her again, but not face to face at school, because even thoguh i'm not sad, one of my symptoms of depression is that i start crying randomnly, but i have never cried at school or in front of anyone before, and i would hate to cry in front of her. i want to talk to her, but not face to face. but she's being so stubborn about being on the internet, and i can't explain to her why i need her to do this. it's so impossible because i'm surrounded by people who are inexplicably being to uncooperative, and i hate confrontation and am really defensive, so i tend to always be the one who gets left on the sidelines whilst people argue, and moan. and it really sucks, because recently some of my symptoms ave been getting worse. one of the symptoms thta my GP had to explain to me was physical pain. apparently it's a real pain, but is caused by depression. i used to think i was having a stroke or a heart attack which freaked me out, and no one knew, and i didn't tell my mom or ayone because all i could think was that i must be a freak and relaly unhealthy if i was having a heart attack. turns out they were just a symptom, but it's becoming worse, and more often and i've been having a lot more panic attacks. so i really need to let this out. i thought asking this website would help, but i don't think anyone can do anything. that's okay. i'm used to dealing with things by myself since i was young (Like i said, I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS.), but if you ave an opinon, maybe it might help. Right now, my suicidal impulses are at a low, but i've been on medication, so maybe that's why. please don't say crap like, don't kill yourself or cut yourself, because like i said, i am somewhat intelligent, and i know what i'm doing. just tell me how i can takl to a person. a uman perosn, not a hotline. or if you could just tlk about your own experiences or something. i don't know. i don't know what will help, but anything will do, right now. because i'm scare the pains, and panic attacks will get worse, and i'm running our of medication (not prescribtion) so i don't want things to get worse by then. thanks. sorry this was long.
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i know what your dealing with ...ive been there ...i started drinking,popping pills,cutting,and doing drugs at a young age ...my depressing came from a rough childhood,being raped at 15,and being beat by a few ex`s.....i did whatever i could do just to forget what i was feeling ........and when everybody looked to me to be strong and be there for everyone ..i couldnt let my depression show because then people wouldnt see me as the strong,helpful,always there no matter what person i was exspected to be....but when i felt it was time to face the feeling ive been running from...i stopping doing pills,drugs,and cutting (still drink sometimes)..i realized that i didnt have to be the strong one and it was ok to cry....forgiving people was the hardest ...anybody can overcome depression if i can do it on my own then ANYBODY can do it
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hey. It may seem like you have it ruff now, but there is always gonna be a bump in the rode and sometimes your gonna get a flat tire. you should for one stop cutting yourself. two just be yourself and if nobody comes to you to be friends, go to them. third, dont try to fit in but find a group you seem most comfortable with. observe them. it will make life alot better. trust me.
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Okay.
Just to give you a little background on myself, so you take my advice seriously: I'm 22 years old, dealing with bipolar disorder and anxiety. I just got my diagnosis a few months ago, but I've been living with symptoms for my entire life. I use a combination of counselor, psychiatrist and medication to work with my illness right now.
There are some issues with your outlook on this that need to be addressed. They are likely caused by your depression, but you can't let them rule you. I know, easier said than done.
You need to open up to your therapist. They're not paid to listen to you. They're paid to act as a mediator for your thoughts, and to help you work out your issues. If you don't feel like things are working with your therapist, like they just sit there, find a new one who is more proactive. As for them being a stranger, and you wanting a friend to talk to: it's not fair to put that amount of pressure on a friend. Friends will tell you what you want to hear rather than risk friendship; therapists will tell you what you NEED to hear. Friends aren't necessarily equipped to help you work through your depression. Everyone has issues of their own to deal with. That's why therapists exist; to allow someone to dedicate their time to working through someone else's mental health issues. They are highly trained professionals who know their stuff.
That being said, yes, you do need supportive friends. From the sounds of it, though, you aren't willing to open up and talk about the real issues. Actually, you flat-out tell us this several times, in caps lock. You have to be willing to really dig deep and self-analyze. Yes, it hurts. Goodness, I know from personal experience that it hurts. Thing is, unless you confront those issues beneath the surface, they'll bubble up from time to time. If you deal with them, they can't really come back to haunt you like that. So start talking. Talk to your therapist. Talk to a very close friend. Talk to yourself (in a diary, of course, not in public)! Just think about it really hard and stay in control. Don't let your issues cloud your life.
Your depression is affecting the way you look at your life in general. Heck, that's what it does to everyone. One way it's really affecting you is in how you look at the depression. Once you pull yourself out of this pit, it will just be a minor irritation, like having asthma or mild diabetes. Yes, it sucks, but you can monitor and manage it. You just need to shock yourself out of where you are now.
Here's what I had to do a few years ago to get myself out of a serious depressive spiral:
1) Stop making excuses. Stop saying "But I don't wanna!". If you know it makes sense, do it. Have someone you trust push you to do so. This is where therapists come in really handy. You don't wanna talk about your issues. You don't wanna seek treatment. You don't wanna... see a pattern here? You need to break that pattern, because it's keeping you down.
2) Stop equating being smart with being mentally healthy. It's not a sign of stupidity, having a negative mindset. You have depression. It's a genetically caused negative mindset. It isn't a sign of lack of self-control, and it certainly isn't a sign of stupidity. I'm a dean's honour list student at my college. Am I stupid? Was it because of stupidity that I failed out of school a few times? No, it was me NOT coping with the genetic cards life dealt me. You need help changing your mindset. You may need prescription help. You may need another person pushing you to change your mindset. You're fortunate in that you can self-analyze. Not many people have that ability. It's that ability that will make this go way faster for you. You know what you're doing. You know it's not doing you any good. So why do you do it?
3) Distance yourself from people who are "toxic". Everyone has those friends. Your best friend sounds like one of them. Those people who just can't seem to sympathize with your problems, because someone else is always worse off. Thing is, those starving kids in Africa have nothing on the starving kids in Africa who have AIDS. Are they not justified in being miserable? You have problems, and because they're yours, they are important. Depression causes people to feel worthless; this friend is reinforcing that idea. If you can't make new friends, befriend yourself. Spend time alone doing things that make you feel better. Pick up a new hobby. Work out. Enjoy yourself.
4) Stop looking so far into the future. And by that, I mean stop looking any further than 24 hours. Rather than worrying about those pesky "what-ifs" that fly around when you're anxious or depressed ("What if I have more panic attacks? What if I feel like this forever?") try to focus on the here and now. Look at the positives, as hard as it may be. Even if it's something silly like, "Hey! I got out of bed and showered today! I haven't felt like doing that in ages!" it'll make you feel better. Every thing you do is an accomplishment. Eventually, as your treatments begin working, you will start to be able to look further into the future. Once you've gone without panic attacks for a day, or a week, it's easier to envision another day or week without them.
5) Don't see relapses as the end of the world. If you have a panic attack, it doesn't mean you've lost all progress. These things will happen less and less as time goes by. Take it as a small hiccup in your progress, and keep on truckin'.
Bottom line: you need to hoist your own trousers, because nobody will do it for you. I know it's harsh, and that it's something you likely already know. It's all a matter of pushing past that big obstacle in the middle of your path and doing what you need to do for yourself.
If you need to discuss things further, you can always contact me by private question. Be warned: I won't sugarcoat things, but that's because I do have real life experience in this sort of thing and I know that sugarcoating doesn't work.
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