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Marriage Mistake
I am a 49 year old woman that is in my second marriage. My first marriage lasted 18 years and ended 2 years ago. Being single for this short time, I met a guy that treated me like I have always to be treated, lovingly and communicates well. He is such an awesome guy that I got caught up in the excitement and said yes to his marriage proposal after knowing him for 2 months. I know now I did this out of lonliness and only for that reason. I am still in love with my ex husband and I thought this would be my way of getting over him. I was wrong!! The man I'm married to now is not what I wanted to do. I was not ready for marriage, I see it now and I want out. I have brought this topic to his attention on several ocassions and each time he fakes sick, ends up in the emergency room trying to get sympathy from me. He is very needy and clingy. I am not attracted to him at all and I do not like being around him. I want out so bad and want to remain single for as long as I can. How can I get out of this marriage because this guy is so crazy about me? I'm afraid he'll do something to himself. He is a very weak and fragile man. He has diabetes and he will not take care of himself if I leave. I was thinking of just staying with him and just live a single life and maybe he'll be the one to get tired of it and leave me. I know I sound a coward. Maybe I am. What is your suggestion? Thank you
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Yikes. This really is a tough one. You may have asked the wrong person. I am extremely traditional when it comes to marriage. I believe it is a covenant that shouldn't be broken. But also, people are people, and they get themselves into bad situations. Even God recognized that and gave His people an "out" of divorce. So... not knowing what your religious convictions are, I think you have a few options.
1. You leave. You've admitted you were wrong to marry him. You admitted you did not leave enough time to heal from your divorce. You know now it was a mistake. Your husband is using his health to hold you hostage. He must know you are a very sympathetic and loyal person and he's using that against you. If you choose to leave, you need to make the decision that you will not be swayed by his physical health. You can still care for his well-being without being his wife. Don't let him hold that over your head. He's using your natural, nurturing instincts against you. But also be prepared for a fight from him. He loves you. As hurt as you were when your first marriage ended, that's how hurt he'll be if you leave. Just keep that in mind.
2. Stay and seek counseling - I know it doesn't sound like the most romantic option, but I personally know 2 different couples who were in a situation similar to yours. They married quickly on the rebound and also because emotional needs and then realized they hated each other. I remember one woman saying she was actually repulsed by her husband and cried every day thinking she was doomed to live forever with someone she couldn't even stand to look at. In both cases they received counseling, through the church and also professional therapy. These couples, years later, are still together, and yes, HAPPY. Through therapy they actually LEARNED to love each other, and it turned into something amazing they never expected. But it took work. It wasn't easy or fun in the beginning and I'm sure a lot of hurtful things were said and explored. But love isn't really a feeling, its something you choose to do, everyday. With help, I believe you could come to love this man. But, as always, it has to be your choice, something you want to commit to doing.
3. You can stay in the marriage, basically as a companion, but live as a single woman. I think this is the worst of the choices, but I know people who do it (hello Bill and Hilary Clinton!). If you do choose this, I think the only "acceptable" way to do it is to work out a detailed arrangement with your husband. Almost like a contract. He has to be crystal clear on what you want and what you expect and what your marriage is going to look like. And I do mean "DETAILED", like " I commit x days a week to you. We'll hang out, go out, whatever; I go out x days a week. I have boyfriends but no one in the house, no phone calls to the house, etc." stuff like that.
So those are your choices as I see it. You have some difficult decisions to make in the coming days. Whatever you decide, think about asking your husband to forgive you. He obviously didn't know how confused you were when you agree to marry him (you didn't either!). He didn't ask for any of this, so whatever choice you make you need to at least make sure he knows you accept responsibility. I do hope you find some peace, in whatever you decide. I can only imagine how I'd feel in your situation. I'd like to think I'd stay and seek counseling. I don't know. At the very least, you should do that first. A counselor may help you clarify some things in a surprising way. Good luck to you. Really, I hope you find what you're looking for and I hope I helped in some small way.
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