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Worth Staying?
Female/27/US
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about nine months. While I love him and believe that he loves me... Recently I've come to realize that we have a lot of problems.
Communication is the first and biggest. Right now it's my biggest problem because he's been depressed... or something... for about a month. All the symptoms are there, along with his tendency to avoid everyone, including his family and myself. I've tried to approach the topic before... sometimes I beat around the bush, sometimes I'm direct... and he won't talk to me. He insists that he isn't upset about his grandmother passing away. He insists that he isn't stressed out about work. He insists that he and I and our relationship are peachy.
I don't know what to say to him anymore.
On top of that one major problem... There are several other smaller problems.
I don't know whether or not he would be willing to have another child. (He all ready has two children from a previous marriage.) This is an important issue for me, and will become more important as I grow older. I have been direct about this... I'm still waiting for an answer.
He doesn't have a lot of time for me anymore. When we first got together, he complained about my schedule and not getting to see me more often. Since then... He's taken on several home improvement jobs in addition to his full time job and I found out tonight that he's recently joined a softball league. While I'm glad he'll be getting some exercise and maybe making some friends (he doesn't seem to have any) I'm wondering where I fit in...
Lastly, we have problems in the bedroom. I feel really awkward saying that; I won't go into detail. I'll just say that he originally told me that it was 'Baby Scare Syndrome.' I suspect it's something else completely... But he won't talk about it and refuses to see a doctor.
I guess I'm asking for a man's perspective on these issues. I really don't want to break up with him... But I have no idea how to work this out. Sometimes I think that maybe I'm just over-reacting. Sometimes I think... If he's going to be this way forever, can I really accept that? Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated... Sorry this is so very long.
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Your question is a hard one to answer from any perspective. Only you can make the decision to stay or go. All I can do I can do is help you put some of your questions in the proper perspective.
You spoke about your boyfriend possibly being depressed. As I myself have battled with depression for a number of years I believe, from what you have written, you may be correct. One of the key symptoms is the problem you write about in the bedroom. You did not say exactly what the problem was but depression can cause erectile dysfunction or the inability to ejaculate. There are other causes for these problems as well; they are not strictly limited to depression. To rule out the other causes a complete physical by his doctor would be in order.
The question concerning children: You write that this is an important part of what you want as part of your life. If your boyfriend will not commit to fathering a child with you or even commit to wanting more children then I would say this has to be looked at as a major stop sign in whether stay with him or not.
As to the other things you write about: It could be the depression, it could be he has just reached a level of comfort with you that he feels comfortable that you will be there when he returns. The extra jobs could be an attempt to build a nest egg. Without being inside your boyfriends head it is impossible to say just what he is feeling.
If your boyfriend is truly suffering from some form of depression you must find away to get him to see a doctor and into some counseling. If he does not get a proper diagnoses and treatment the depression will only get worse.
My advice: Sit down with paper and pen. Draw a line down the center of the page, at the top of one column write GOOD POINTS. At the top of the other column write BAD POINTS. I know this sounds silly but I have found writing things down so I can look at them helps when I am faced with tough decisions. Then list his good points and bad points. Under the bad points place a star next to the things he needs to commit to or needs to change if you are going to stay with him. Then the two of you need to talk. Be up front with him. Tell him what is bothering you and what he needs to do to make you happy. If he won’t commit to change or give you answers to your questions then I believe you will have the answers you are seeking and can make the decision you are struggling with.
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