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Advice about life and love for someone without a father!
I grew up without a dad. I have always been really use to not having a father-figure but I know that there are things that only a dad can really tell you and teach you. I'm a girl so I guess nobody can really understand how much a father means to me, and how much a little girl can learn from her dad, but I'm just sure I'm missing something. I was hoping that somebody here can share some of the tips about life and love their dad gave them? Maybe some things your father taught you that you didn't realize until you were a little older? Or maybe things you think dad's usually tell their kids, especially their daughters? ANYTHING is better than nothing and I appreciate every word you feel you can share with me that came from your father (or, if you're a father yourself, then awesome)!
And, no, I'm not saying my mom is a bad mother but it's just that I feel I'm missing something only a dad could give. I can't bring this up to my mom because she'll feel terrible and like she didn't raise me good enough. She's tried so hard all of these years and I can't just hurt her feelings by asking something like that from her. So, I'm asking you all, Advicenators.
So...anybody have anything to share with me?
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I'd like to share my experience with you...
My name is Melissa and I'm 27. My mother divorced my biological father before I was born. When I was 4, she married my step-father. I lived with my step-father for 16 years...
When I was 20, my mother divorced my step-father. Though we had lived under the same roof for most of my life, Bob and I were never very close. He had a biological daughter of his own that was 8 years my senior... I couldn't get past the difference between how he treated her and the way he treated me. Despite all the neglect, all the hurt, after their divorce, I attempted to have a relationship with my step-father.
It did not go well... It's not really any one person's fault either. And, eventually, he and I both gave up and we haven't spoken in years.
I contacted my biological father when I was 20. We also attemped a relationship... It's pretty much the same story.
I remember being 16... And angry. Angry at being abandoned by my real dad, angry at being neglected by his stand-in... Angry because I felt unloved. Hurt. And somewhere deep inside I wondered if maybe the reason I wasn't loved by these two men was because there was something wrong with me.
Because of this feeling of wrongness, I botched just about every romantic relationship I had with members of the opposite sex. I was waiting for them to figure out that I was deficient... I was waiting for them to neglect me, abandon me, reject me.
There isn't one thing that I did to fix myself... No magic word, no sound advice, no special person. Healing was a gradual process that is still happening.
But... I did have an epiphany last year. Last year, my grandfather passed away. With his passing... I realized he was closest thing to a father I had ever had. He was there for every birthday, every holiday... He taught me how to swim and ride a bike. When I ran away from home as I child, once I came back he was there to talk to me. He didn't speak very often... But sometimes he did give me advice. His advice was nothing magical, nothing I couldn't have figured out on my own. But he loved me and was proud of me.
What I learned is this... Sometimes, if you focus too hard on the people that don't love you, you can't see all the people that have loved you all along.
I suppose, what I'm trying to tell you is what I wish someone had said to me... That there isn't anything wrong with you. People are going to let you down and disappoint you... But that's because their battling demons of their own. People are going to love you... But you can't love them back unless you love yourself first. You're going to make mistakes, and no amount of advice in the world can stop you... And that's okay. We all make mistakes because that's how we learn. That's how we become better people. Let go of fear, anger, hurt, rejection... Don't repress it, but don't hold on to it either. People hold onto pain sometimes because they feel like they deserve it; deserve to be punished. No one deserves that...
I get the feeling your mother loves you a lot... And I get the feeling you know that. That's enough to get you through this world. Father or not.
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