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My Husband said cruel things I can't forget
I am a woman, 59 years old, and have been married for 41 years to the same man who is 63. It hasn't always been easy. He is a binge drinker and hasn't made life easy. We have two grown children.
About 2 years ago, he moved his things out of our shared room and into one of the guest rooms. He claimed it was so he could sleep better, since I am a restless sleeper and was keeping him awake. At first I was upset, but soon realized that I was sleeping better without him. I accepted it and we moved on.
The problem is that our sex life stopped. I asked him about it (granted, he was drinking at the time), and he said that the thought of sex with me made him want to vomit. I have not been able to forgive him for this, even though he has said he doesn't remember saying it and didn't mean it.
Up until then, we had a very good sex life. I have tried to put that remark behind me, but on the one or two occasions we've tried to have sex since then, there is no chemistry. I'm very self conscious and don't really want him seeing me or touching me.
I know I am not the 18 year old that he married, I am 59, have diabetes, have gained weight, gotten wrinkled and old. But so has he. I always beleived that we would grow old together, but now I'm not so sure. He spends almost no time with me even when we are in the same house. He goes into the den to watch TV and falls asleep.
My self esteem is shot as a result of what he said, and I can't seem to get over it. He just gets mad and refuses to talk about it. He thinks I should just forget about it. I have to believe that there is some truth in what he said because he never even approaches me for any romance even though I have asked him to at least hug me occasionally, even if he doesn't want sex.
We haven't had a perfect marriage by any stretch of the imagination. I've considered divorce many times over the years, but it always comes down to the fact that I do care about him. I have been to al-anon, so I know that to some extent I am enabling him to continue drinking just by staying with him.
Right now, it's kind of like living with a roommate that you have nothing in common with and don't really like any more. Any advice you can give me will be appreciated. He would never be willing to get counseling, and we really can't afford it, as we are both retired and on a limited income. Thank you for listening to me.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
It sounds to me like you are in a state of crisis. I can say that I would not be able to stay in a situation like this, and nobody else should have to either. You know deep down inside what it is going to take to be happy again. You know how he feels about the situation and it is not supportive or conducive to having a good relationship.
Sometimes you must say enough is enough. Start talking to friends and family and with their help figure out what options you have. It's going to be rough to try to take steps, but if you're serious about wanting to be happy again, you're going to have to make MAJOR changes. This relationship is a codependent one, where every action affects the other. Remember this because you will need to be careful in executing your plans.
If it means getting things rolling and waiting until the "right" time to let him know, so be it. You have to look out for yourself and start living again. YOU ARE NEVER TOO OLD TO TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE AGAIN.
I am 40 and I recently had to get out of a VERY BAD relationship of about 3 years, and I'm still not recovered from it, but at least I can live in peace. It's difficult, and lonely at times, but I can say I'm not angry and hurt all of the time now. I'm also on a very limited income.
Again, the most important thing that you can start doing is talking to people that you love and trust, and ask them for help and support. These people will want you to be happy too and most likely do anything they can to help. Things will develop from there. You are not in a situation to do it all alone, you're going to need a hand to get things started this is why you need a good support network.
God bless you and good luck to you on your journey. Let me know if you need to talk again, Todd the Gem Guy
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