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Trust.....
I just recently emailed you a few days and figured I would email you again with an update!
SO yesterday he got into town an I guess went over to his friend's parents house and played cards all night, he got home at midnight and ended up calling me to I guess see how I have been and check up on me, he mentioned going out to eat tommorow with him and his friend...and I said ya know I would meetup with him an go out to eat but I am not going to go with him AND his friend, because right now...I think his friend and him together have done enough damage already by lying to me and this is about us not him me and his friend. SO, whenever he calls today I don't know if I should accept the offer and go ahead an go to lunch with just him an talk about stuff OR, do I just say something like Hey ya know I have taken a hint in the past 2 days considering you didn't call me nor make any effort to see me your first night in Jacksonville, So just please just leave me alone and hangup?? I want to do something that leaves him thinking damn I f-d u an him come after me, because hell I shouldnt be meeting him ANYWHERE for that matter...He should be coming to pick me up an going out of his way to go to lunch, yes I know he has his friends company truck and can't drive it, but I told him ya know I drove 4hrs away it's not going to kil me to drive 15min up the road to meetup with him an go to lunch or dinner! Sorry for blabbing but it was on my mind because I think he is going to be calling me soon and I want to say the right thing!
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First of all, you are not blabbing :) I like hearing from you, and I'm glad you sent me this update. Feel free to write to my column any time you like.
Now, as far as your boyfriend goes, it is understandable that you may not want to go out with him and his friend. Everything you say is true: his friend was involved in him lying to you. His friend did have a part in tarnishing your relationship. Even though all of the lies were your boyfriend's fault and responsibility, his friend sat around and watched it all happen. That in itself is horrible.
At the same time, there seems to be a part of you that wants to go, simply to see your boyfriend and try to reconcile things with him. Do not reject this part of you. This is the part of you that dreams of something better for your relationship. So, you should trust it.
Even though your boyfriend has hurt you deeply, things are never going to get better between the two of you until you express your feelings and demand better treatment from him. The key to doing this is not through hanging up on him or trying to manipulate him into feeling sorry. Telling him you have had enough of him and hanging up on him might make him think for a second that he "f-d up". It may put him into a temporary panic.
If your boyfriend begins apologizing to you out of fear that you will leave, this will become the focal point of his apology: getting you to stay. It will push the real issues at hand (his own behaviour and his lies) out of his mind. As a result of this, any change he says he will make in terms of his behaviours may only be short lived. He may bein his old behaviours again after a certain point, simply because he won't be scared of you leaving him after a certain period of time. Your boyfriend needs to be sorry all of the time for the lies, not only when you freak out at him and hang up. He needs to take a serious look at how he hurt you, and decide to change. He needs to do this not out of fear of you leaving, but out of love for you.
Yelling at your boyfriend, telling him that he blew it and then hanging up would only be appropriate in two instances:
#1 If you actually meant it. If you actually never wanted to see him again. This does not seem to be where you are at, though. You seem to want to improve your relationship, not end it.
#2 If you would be doing so simply to relieve your own stress. If yelling at him and pretending you are done with him makes you feel better, go for it. He has put you through enough. You have earned yourself the right to scream at him for it.
In other words, no. I don't think that telling him you are done with him is a good idea if the reason you are doing so is to manipulate him into feeling sorry for his actions. Do not put that pressure on yourself. It is up to him to man up and take responsibility for what he has done. You shouldn't have to throw a temper tantrum to make that happen. However, if you feel like yelling at him and hanging up just to relieve your own stress, go for it.
As far as the actual lunch issue goes, what do you genuinely feel like doing? Do you want to go? If so, go. Do you want to stay home? If so, don't go. Do you want to go, but do not want to hang around his friend? If so, why don't you schedule an alternativc time to meet? Maybe go for dinner, just you and your boyfriend? If you do not want his friend there, the friend doesn't have to be there.
Now, it is important that you think about what your boyfriend's reaction is going to be to whatever you choose to do. If you choose to go, he may be rude and disrespectful to you with his friend. Or, things might go amazingly well. Whatever happens, you need to be ready to stick up for yourself and express your feelings. DO NOT HOLD BACK. And do not settle for less than what you want.
If you choose not to go, your boyfriend may be fine with that. Or he may get angry. Or he may say that not going is your loss. If he responds in either of the last two ways, you need to be prepared to say, "Actually, this is YOUR loss. Your lies and innappropriate behaviours are the reason I don't feel like coming today. Unless you shape up, our relationship is going to suffer." Stick up for yourself. You are not doing anything wrong.
If you choose to schedule an alternative time to meet without his friend, your boyfriend may be fine with it. Or he may insist on his way, stating that if you don't come with him and his friend, he won't see you. If he does the latter, he is trying to manipulate you again. He is trying to force you into a situation that you are not comfortable with. This is the moment in which you need to be strong and honest. Say something like, "I do not want to see you if your friend is there. He was with you during the times that you have lied to me and he didn't do anything about it. I do not want to be near anybody that endorses your lies. Also, me and you need time to be alone to work out our issues. We need to talk about how you have hurt me. Our relationship needs to be worked on, and we can't do that with your friend around."
Stick to your guns.
Anyway, I realize that it is 2:00 pm and you have probably already made your decision. Sorry if I did not answer you in time.
The point of all of this is, express your feelings. Even if you didnt read this on time, homefully I still helped you remember to be strong and stick up for yourself in the future.
Feel free to message me anytime. You can also reach me on twitter: @wecareaboutlove
You can also pay me a visit at my blog :)
www.wecareaboutlove.blogspot.com
Right now we are having a conversation about faith, religion and questioning what one believes. I would love to hear your inseights!
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