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in response to ur advice given dec, 2008 re: painless way to die
although your description of an overdose was a bit extreme, it was correct. i have never in my life thought of committing suicide. heck i have wrked in a psych hospt for many years and prevented ppl from doing it. this year i have hit the lowest of low. i made some stupid decisions and got in legal trouble. i was facing 30 years in prison. yeah, suicide crossed my mind. my kids would be in their late 30's when i got out. my family had ME comitted to a hospital. when i got out, cps took my kids and i wasn't allowed to come back home. yeah, again suicide crossed my mind. tried to go back to wrk like nothing was wrong while unbeknownst to me a "rat" called my boss and spoke of my legal trouble which included 3 counts (bogus) of child endangerment in the 4th degree. i get suspended from my job. yeah, suicide has been on my mind more and more lately. yes i see a therapist and take meds but what happens when there's no way out and you really do just need that painless way to die? i cant volunteer, i cant be around kids or the elderly, wrk in a hospt, go back to school or anything else with these charges. i have physical limitations preventing me from standing/sitting for long periods. i'm in pain every day of my life mentally and physically. and i just want it to end. Paging Dr. Kavorkian....
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Thank you very much for inboxing me this question! I apologize for such a lengthy wait but I have had many things going on with myself.
I understand that your situation is pretty extreme itself. As a matter of fact, nobody knows the outcome of tomorrow so we can't clearly predict what may-or-may-not happen, certainly. This being said, you still should open up to other people about your problems--not just your therapist.
Speak with your therapist that you are seeing about wanting to make more of your life. Ask them if they can offer a few suggestions of things that you are physically, and legally, able to do around your community. Sometimes volunteering to do something doesn't mean going to a shelter or some already-set-up thing. You can volunteer for many, many services that include collecting donations. Let him/her know that you're interested in helping your community and building those sorts of special bonds.
I have done this sort of volunteerism myself and will explain how I went about this. I volunteered for a diabetes awareness organization to collect donations once a month. I contacted local shopping centers and asked if they had an area in which I could set up a table and collect donations for this specific organization. We ended up sitting in front of the local Wal-Mart for 5 hours one day, asking shoppers if they'd like to donate to the diabetes foundation. We didn't collect much but anything is better than nothing and I was able to talk to many people and hand out life-saving pamphlets that the organization had shipped to me for this event. I was able to take breaks on my own time, eat at the table if required, sit down for the duration, and decided when to begin and end (of course, letting Wal-Mart know what my basic plan was ahead of time). I then mailed the funds off to the organization. I didn't have to work with anyone, I didn't have to stand on my feet, I could take breaks if I needed to, and I helped a lot of people.
Sometimes just buying some postcards and sending them to old friends, neighbors, or various community members just to say, "Hey, I was thinking of you and hope everything is going well!" will help you in your quest for wholeness. You can attach your phone number to the cards if you feel it's appropriate in case you'd like them to be able to call. You could even leave this anonymous--it will still bring a smile!
Join a church group if you believe in God. Unity in positive beliefs can really bond you with the community and help you to find your way out of this black pit. You would be able to attend church functions, including volunteering at the local prison ministry if you so desired. Talking about God (or even just about making positive choices in life) to inmates may be something you would be interested in since you have been faced with that sort of situation. You would be able to surround yourself with people who you could tell your past with and be accepted and guided better towards God.
"Can't" volunteer is simply not true. What you mean is you do not understand how to volunteer your time. Sometimes volunteering just means making someone smile. Sometimes it's just mailing your elderly neighbor $20, anonymously, and being happy that they could use that little bit of extra cash this week. Sometimes it's buying the person next to you in line the item they had to put back because they didn't have enough cash. Sometimes it's just talking to the cashier that rings you up and saying, "You know what...you've really made my day by talking to me. Thank you for being so friendly!" Sometimes it's taking a box of canned goods down to the local food drive or shelter and dropping it off.
You feel helpless, just like many of us do at times. You were knocked down after making some poor life-choices and were kicked by the people you trusted when the only thing you wanted was a hand to help you up. I understand your feelings but suicide is not the best choice. Don't make another bad choice, especially one that you really cannot get around afterward. I'm lending a hand out here.
So, talk with your therapist about some ways you can interact with your community. Try to be positive of situations, even if you're not at your best any more. Happiness comes from creating it within others. Figure out how to create some happiness with the people you are surrounded by. You're not a useless person if you make an effort to positively impact one person. Make a goal of trying to make one person smile each day.
As for physical pain, try to make your body healthier. Sometimes mental disorders such as suicidal feelings that are coupled with physical pain are results of not treating the body properly. Begin with a good multivitamin supplement and try to cut out bad-for-you things like artificial sweeteners and pork. I use to suffer from severe migraines once every two weeks (at one point it was more often but once every two weeks was fairly average) and when I changed my life style the headaches stopped and my overall mood improved. It took about six months to realize I had improved but it happened. I've heard SO many stories of people changing their lifestyles and seeing such strange-but-exceptionally-positive results. If you want some more information or ideas on this please let me know in another question and we'll talk about it so that you can get well. I have a ton of information to share but I'd rather leave that for another question if you want to receive it.
On a more personal note, making a final decision to end your life doesn't just stop with you. You affect the people around you in all that you do--suicide included. Nobody likes to remember the man that committed suicide but they do. Nobody likes to say, "My dad/brother/cousin/uncle/nephew/grandson/grandfather committed suicide." Your relatives don't just feel that it is their fault--they feel that the suicidal nature will creep up on them one day and they will do the same. It isn't a good feeling and creates a sense of insecurity within oneself.
I know from experience.
Please, do not give up. I am willing to send you my personal email if you would like to contact me further. I am offering a friendship to you so that you do not have to suffer alone. I am telling you that all hope is not lost. Your life is not over. You can still make something of yourself. You can still be remembered as a wonderful person. Somebody (even if it's just me) cares about your life.
There are still employers out there that will hire you and treat your properly. There are jobs out there that require no physical abilities (I work at home with a great company in which I take personal orders from their clients remotely) and I am able to schedule breaks every other hour if I want. I'm not reading this and giving up on you or saying, "Yeah, that is bad. Ok, whatever." I'm reading this and letting you know that not everybody is turning there backs to you. There is so much hope for you. It isn't your time.
P.S. My previous description of a typical overdose is actually not very extreme. Contact your local hospital and ask them the horrific things they've seen from an overdose. It really isn't like on the shows and the people who live through it have to face a lot of new, unforeseen issues.
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