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tired of being told that he's not worth it
18/f
My ex and I were together for 8 months. He was my first time, not my first love, but the one I loved the most. We had made big plans for our future together. He was going to go to college near me, 4 hours away from our home and I would move in with him my junior year when I was allowed to live off campus. During the last month of our relationship he asked me what I thought was a cute way to be proposed to. When he first asked I thought it was adorable but as the week went on I started to freak out. At the time I was seventeen and thinking about proposals, doing apartment searches for him, job hunting and going through my first month of college away from home. Needless to say I freaked out and took it all out on him. We fought for a week and I told him I was confused and didn't know what I wanted and he begged me for a second chance and told me he'd do anything to keep us together. So he came up to see me for the weekend and I could see the pain in his eyes and it killed me knowing that I caused it, I couldn't stop crying the first night but he just held me and I couldn't remember why I had said any of it to him. We ended up having unprotected sex, it was the first time we had done it without a condom. He was here for two nights and we just hung out the whole time and I tried to make it as normal as possible but it was obvious that he was still hurt.
As soon as he left I got all of the scared feelings back again. He called me when he got home and I tried breaking up with him over the phone, saying I didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. And I was bawling the whole time because I knew I was still completely in love with him. He hung up on me and then I got a text saying that he'd prove to me how much he loved me and he didnt answer any texts after that. I thought he was going to kill himself although he doesn't have a suicidal history at all. But I was a wreck, I've never cried so hard. I even went into a panic attack. Four hours later he showed up at my door and I cried and yelled at him for putting me through that but I was so glad to see him and we just hugged for a long time and he cried and I cried. But something still made me break up with him and I regret it everyday since then.
He didn't want to speak to me and a few weeks later I had a miscarriage, which I didn't tell him about. He texted me asking when I was coming home for thanksgiving, because I had to pick up stuff from his house and he wanted to see me. I called him and told him everything, how breaking up was a mistake and he said that he could never forgive me for breaking his heart, which I don't expect him to. I told him about the miscarriage and his mood completely changed, he was back to the caring person I always knew. Asked if I was alright and why I didn't tell him and I said that every time I tried talking to him he picked a fight. After telling me he still had feelings for me he said he'd think about things and call me the next day. So he called, just to tell me that he doesn't give second chances and he has a new girlfriend.
Its now been two months since the break up and I've tried every possible way to get over him. I've kept myself stoned for a week so that I didn't think about it, which works until the high wears off. I had meaningless drunken sex with an old acquaintance. I've taken down all the pictures I have of him and hid everything that would remind me of him. But I'm best friends with his sister, and his mom still emails me to see how I'm doing. I saw him over thanksgiving break and I couldn't look him in the eye without crying. He still wears a bracelet I made for him and he taught his band how to play all my favorite songs. Everyone is telling me that I'm better than him, he's from a lower class family and he smokes a lot and his family has more problems than I could ever explain. They tell me he's not worth my time and suffering and I'm sick of it. This is the only relationship I've ever fought for in my life.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm an emotional wreck for the first time in my life. And I want my sweetheart back.
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well u should tell people that u love him and if it was meant to be he will come back so dont worry
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Take a deep breath and relax.
It seems to me like at the time, he was just kind of rushing into things too quickly with you. It's obvious that neither of you were ready for that kind of commitment. Instead of breaking up with him for that, you should have just sat down with him and explain to him that you were still a child and wasn't ready for marriage or anything that goes along with it.
Most people make the mistake of getting married too young or when they were unsure and it ends a lot badly. If you still care about him, sit down with him and talk to him. Explain to him everything you were feeling. It's time to be a grown up and talk instead of argue and break-up.
As for drinking, drugs and having sex with someone to ease your pain is unexceptable. Not only could you end up pregnant or dead, it can hurt you mentally too.
Never degrade yourself because you think it makes you feel better. In the end, it will only add to your problems as is.
I suggest you either move on from this guy, and find someone else out there in this huge world or call him up and arrange somewhere to meet to talk.
Some people need closure and maybe that's why you don't feel like it's truly over yet.
If you need anything at all, inbox me.
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I'm afraid this is one instance where the only thing that will heal you is time. I don't doubt that you love him and truly care for him, but remember all this started when you began to have second thoughts about making such permanent commitments so early in your life. Your gut was telling you something then, you should listen to it. I'm a firm believer in women's intuition, and I think we don't listen to that intuition enough. Yours was telling you that you are too young to be planning marriage and and all the commitments that come with it. Your gut recognized that you need a little time to grow up and become a more confident, stable, experienced version of who you are now before you can give the proper care and attention to a marriage. Even though you loved him, you listened to your gut and made the break, because deep down inside you knew it was right for both of you. The pregnancy and the miscarriage complicated it all for you because it got you thinking again about the future and a family and marriage. Your feelings became all wrapped up in that situation as well, and its obviously caused you a lot of confusion. It doesn't matter what his family situation is like, if he smokes or any of that stuff. What matters is that you recognize that you are not in the right place right now to maintain a serious relationship headed toward marriage. That's what your first instincts told you, and I believe they were right, as much as it hurts. You are just entering adulthood and all it has to offer. College, work, friends, studies, it all starts to add up quickly and would leave you not as much time for your boyfriend, which wouldn't have been fair to him. It also would be unfair to put everything in your life on hold to be with him. Not just to you, but to him. Every good man deserves a woman who is sure of herself, knows who she is and what she wants in her life, and who is making steps to get where she wants. You're just starting to figure all that out, and believe me, it will change quite a few times over the coming years before you truly settle on something. You'd be robbing your ex of the chance to have that great, confident woman. And in the long-run you would end up resenting giving up this time in your life. I know this hurts so badly right now, and he is obviously hurting too. But instead of acting out by having random hook-ups (HELLO!? DANGER!) and drinking, try making yourself do things you don't feel like doing, like joining some groups at school, or attending special events. Throw yourself into something you really like to do. You need some good distractions and you need other things to fill your time, so you don't spend so much time thinking about this situation. What's done is done. You feel awful now, but I promise, you won't always feel this way. And someday you will look back on this time and be grateful for the experience and for what this relationship added to your life at one time.
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