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I want him back in my life, even as a friend...
A friend of mine from college grew closer to me over the past year and we ended up becoming best friends. Needless to say, we ended up having feelings for each other. After talking about how we felt we starting spending time together more frequently, almost every day. In addition to this when we weren't seeing each other we would talk online or on the phone...so almost every waking moment we were a part of each other's lives. Eventually, he started talking to me about other girls that he thought were attractive but we still spent all of our free time together so I figured he was trying to make me jealous. We weren't just hanging out as friends and playing basketball--we would watch the stars and he would sing to me, etc...it was always very romantic stuff that we did together. Out of the middle of nowhere, after spending three days together he told me that he asked someone else out. Obviously, I freaked out a little and told him that I didn't want to maintain contact, even as friends because I was hurt. I don't know what happened to change things with him...I still don't understand. The truth is that I love him very much. But I'd rather have him as a friend than nothing at all, despite the other feelings that I have for him. There's such a huge part of my life missing now; we were best friends and I miss that more than anything. I'm just not sure how to go about restoring the friendship or if I really should let my best friend go...any help would be greatly appreciated.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
I think you need to be extremely honest with yourself and ask yourself if you can truly ever be "just friends" with this guy. You admit you have romantic feelings for him. Can you be a friend without getting all weird about his romantic relationships in the future? Picture a worst-case scenario. You have to go on a double-date with him and his new girlfriend, you have to listen to his stories about how much he loves her, how great she is, you have to attend their wedding. How would you handle that? How would you feel? I sympathize with the fact that you've lost your best friend, but think about why. You lost him because you could not handle the idea that he has romantic feelings for someone else. Maybe you should take your extreme reaction as a sign that you are not ready (yet) to be just friends. There's nothing wrong with taking a little time, putting a little distance between you and the situation, so you can get a better handle on how you feel and what you want to do. In the meantime, however, you do owe him an apology. You don't necessarily have to go into all the romantic feelings you have for him, but you can acknowledge that you overreacted and he didn't deserve your anger. You can tell him that spending so much time with him and talking to him just made it hard to be objective about his love life, and that you treasure him as a friend and feel awful about your reaction. Let him know you're embarrassed and sorry and that you do want to be his friend, but maybe you just need a little time apart so you can be a little more level headed, and a better friend. And I suggest trying to make some more time in your life for other friends. Its no accident that you developed feelings for this guy. You spent so much time together, it was bound to happen, and its perfectly normal. But you'll find that you'll have a better outlook on the whole situation if you have other relationships to fall back on. Right now there's such a big hole in your life because he filled all your time. That's a red flag that you probably need other friends, in addition to him. Good luck to you. I can't tell you how long it will take, but I CAN tell you that it will get better eventually. Good luck.
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