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Dad playing head games?
Hey Rahzie
I just wanted to add additional information to my question I didn't exactly add all of it because it would of been a novel.
I've tried to have a relationship with my father, I've called him, I've tried talking to him even going out one on one with him but he always pushes me away. It's sad to know that my dad and I sit in awkward silence when we see each other in person and I have to think of things to say just so I can try and find something we are interested in talking about. While I visit my father one on one the way I used too..All he seemed to want to talk about is how irresponsible my older sister is and how his wife and her don't get along. Overtime I have given up hope on having a relationship with my father, Since he picked up the phone and called my sister telling her to have a nice life while she was pregnant due to have a child within a month or so at this time I have completely lost respect for him. while my sister was in the hospital my dad still didn't care to even congradulate her.
I like your advice and would like to know what you have to say to this. Advice is apprechiated
thank you so much
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
It's always tough when two people in a family fight, it's even worse when it's a parent that fucked up, I think you just need to remember that your relationship with your Dad can still be YOUR relationship with your Dad, even if he's messed up his with your sister.
It would be perfectly fair and legitimate for you to say this to your father:
"I don't want to hear about your disagreement with my sister. I appreciate it's a big deal for you but it's painful for me to listen too. We're all adults here and your relationship is between the two of you and I don't want to hear about it."
If he tries to argue with you about it, or justify his behaviour, repeat as needed
"Dad, I want to talk to you, and have a relationship with you. I don't want to hear about your relationship with my sister."
And repeat, and repeat and repeat, gently, until he gets it.
Don't blame. Don't try to tell him what he could have done better. He's not a complete idiot. He knows there is no excuse for not acknowledging the birth of a child. You don't need to tell him that you know it too. Just let him sit in misery if that is his choice. Once he’s learned to respect your boundaries about this topic, you might be able to say to him, gently, that if he isn’t happy with his relationship with your sister, maybe he should try to reach out and change it.
You’ll probably never have the relationship with your father that you want, but I also caution against cutting off all communication. That is a breeding ground for hate and pain. Instead, focus on making your conversations as painless as possible. First, by making it clear you don’t want to hear about his disagreements with your sister, and secondly, go ahead and brainstorm before you call him! Write down a list of things you could maybe talk about, or things you know might interest him to talk about. Write down a list of things that happened in your own life to mention. Also, if it helps, have a set time when you need to get off the phone. Call him at 7pm, knowing you must be off the phone by 7:45 or something like that. Keeping phone calls short isn’t a crime, and having a set period of time you’ve decided to be on the phone might help you both feel more comfortable, rather than feeling the pressure of having nothing to say, but that you feel like you haven’t talked long enough yet…
It's completely okay to be dissapointed in your Dad. Some of what he's done sucks the big one. Just remember it's entirely up to you to try and build the relationship you want. You know he isn't going to do the hard work. You know it's going to take a lot of effort on your part. But if you take a deep breath, and maturely accept that, and decide just how much effort you are willing to put into it, you'll be in a better and happier place to deal with him.
Good luck with it.
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