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Boyfriend with split personality?
My boyfriend of a year and a half is a wonderful, funny, considerate man. (We live together, have lots of mutual friends and interests, and generally get along great.) However, I'm concerned that he has a very different kind of personality with his "guy friends," in particular a few that I have never met. Some of these men are old friends from his college fraternity, others are from his early bachelor days, and nearly all of them are sexist, cheating, womanizing guys (from my boyfriend's own admissions!). My boy has also admitted to lots of philandering and cheating in his past relationships. However, he has always been good to me, and faithful (as far as I know).
My problem is that, because of this history and because he keeps in moderate touch with these men, I have a hard time trusting my boyfriend. I have stumbled upon a few emails in which he joins in some jeering conversation about his friend who "hit that the other night" or "scored" or cheated on his current flame. I even saw that my boyfriend once sent his friend a photo of his own ex-girlfriend, with the message "She was so hot. You wish you could get that."
I know that my boyfriend is committed to me, and it sounds like he is just playing along with old friends. Still, I find these interactions creepy. Even though they aren't about me, I keep wondering if and when they will start affecting my current relationship with this (so far!) wonderful person. Am I paranoid? Should I just base my relationship ONLY what's going on with us, or is it natural to worry about how he acts with other people? Knowing this about him is bothering me and has, so far, kept me from fully being able to trust him.
Thanks for your help!
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I'm with you. It's creepy. You don't say how old the two of you are, but his behavior is pretty juvenile. This is the type of behavior I'd expect to see from a 19 yr old. If he's 18-21, maybe 22-23, then it's the way some young men prove their masculinity to their friends and themselves. If he's older, then he's very immature. Some men never get past this point. They live in it all their lives.
Some women put up with it. I for one, could not.
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You're being paranoid.
Relationships don’t happen in a vacuum, so it’s certainly sensible to be aware of your partner’s interactions with others. If he treated his employees badly, or cheated his boss, these would be concerning personality traits.
But seriously, this 'moderate' contact with old friends is completely normal, and should be completely acceptable. (On that note: stumbling upon his e-mails is not acceptable. That should be avoided. Strictly.)
This otherwise great guy has a past. It's part of who he is. So are these friends. He IS different with them. The same way he IS different with you then he was with the women who came before you.
That doesn't mean he's cheater still, or that he is anything like these guys.
It does mean that these guys are of value to him, and that value needs to be respected.
I have high school friends who are homophobic, conservative nut bars, and I like them still. I disagree with them. I won’t live the way they do. But I still appreciate knowing what is going on in their lives, and we can joke about So You Think You Can Dance. Some of the people in my life that I am currently most intimate with, my best friends and my partner, would be deeply offended by the views and opinions some of these old friends hold. But it doesn’t matter. I’m not asking them all to hang out together. I just have coffee with old friends when I’m in town, exchange some e-mails and send them Christmas cards.
It's perfectly natural to worry, but it's mature to take a deep breath and let those worries go after taking a closer look at them and realizing they are baseless.
It might be concerning if he hung out with these guys a lot. Then you might want to ask him if he is really happy with his current lifestyle, or if he is clinging to one more like theirs. But if it’s just some e-mails, let it go.
Talk to him about as well, but recognize in yourself that it’s more your responsibility to make peace, trust and respect the choices of your partner, then it is his to reassure you on this matter. He isn't doing anything wrong. His behaviour in life should be reassuring, his correspondence with old friends is private and he’s entitled to it, and to do it privately.
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