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Comfort Someone: Should You Go With Your Nature, or With the Necessity?
Hmm . . . how should I start?
You see, when close friends are hurt, they may have different ways to support each other:
1. some would lick each other's wounds,
2. some would pull each other up, and
3. some would just become a silent shadow.
None of those methods is better than the others--sometimes we need someone to help us recover, sometimes we need someone to push us forward, and sometimes we just simply need someone to just silently sit there and listen to us . . . of course, a combination of three would be perfect, but not many people are able to do that--and it also depends on the situation.
Oftentimes we select which method to apply based on our very own nature and what we are best at; all the while avoid the method that we are worst at like plague. Well, for example, I am better at encouragement (the second type--pull the other up) than listening, and worst at trying comfort someone (I just can't find the right words to say).
My question is that when you find the need to use the method that you are worst at, should you attempt it anyway? Despite all the risks? I mean, in the worst case scenario, it could have the opposite effect for all you know.
Thanks in advanced!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Here's a foolproof way to deal with people who are having the slumps.
The first step is to listen and understand. Ask them questions and let them talk. If they're under emotional distress, the last thing they want is anything other than sympathy or empathy. If you can make somebody feel like you understand them first, everything else will be much easier.
After you've listened and understood, express sympathy. If they're sad, then tell them that you're sorry. If you show that you're genuinely concerned, people will love to be around you simply because you're sympathetic. Tell them that you're sorry for what happened to them, even if it's not your fault!
While it is true as you said that sometimes people need different things: an emotional bandaid, some encouragement, or just a listening ear. However, none of these can be accomplished properly if you don't try to listen and understand first. If you want to be sympathetic, you'll have to understand their perspective before you can feel for them. If you want to help them get up after a fall, you'll have to listen to see where they are and figure out how to help them up.
If you can really put yourself in somebody else's shoes after listening and understanding what they have to say, then the next steps should be much easier. Pretty much no matter what you say, as long as it's in good intentions should work just fine. By listening and showing that you understand their perspective, the vast majority of people will instantly feel much better about themselves.
My general rule of thumb is to always ask more questions than I give comments or advice (In person, of course...I wish I could ask questions sometimes in Advicenators...would make things much easier ^_^). This shows that I care more about my friends' issues and problems than my own need to show my ego or spout my opinions.
One thing that I try to avoid is to tell people advice that I think they need to hear. Most of the time people think something along the lines of, "Oh yeah, you think you want comfort, but what you really need is to be slapped awake with my words of wisdom." This is a sure-shot way to get people to never come to you again when they have trouble. It may seem backwards sometimes, but I find it much better to cater to what people actually need, sometimes even going against my own better judgment. People will mature at their own pace and it's only fair that they be given the chance to learn to deal with things just as you have.
In the end, the important thing you need to do is show that you genuinely care about somebody. If you have that intention, the question of how to show it is simple. You seem like a smart guy that people can confide in for so many people to come to you with their issues. If you remember to show that you care, you will do just fine! ^_^
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your right... a combination of all three is perfect, however not everyone possesses the combination. unfortunealty i do. and its not that hard. when your fried needs a shoulder to cry on, give them yours. make sure they know its not their fault and if it is NEVER EVER EVER SAY I TOLD YOU SO!!! just listen while they blame themselves and be an encouragement to them. tell them that everything happens for a reason and that its up to them to chape their future. they cant change what theyve done but they can change any circumstance that they are in control of
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