|
Professor-Student Thing
Hi Michele,
I have rather a long question, but looking at your column, I think you seem to wonderful and experienced, something like my parents – but I really can't go to them with this one. I hope you're willing to give me some honest advice and bear with me through a long question, but if not, that's okay. I'm 20, a senior in college, majoring in physics.
There's a professor at my institution that I've always been intrigued by: he's sharply intelligent, in my field, but also very withdrawn. His mannerisms and sense of humor can be a bit strange, but endearing in their own sense. He's a truly spectacular professor, has the gift of holding a class' attention effortlessly, but I believe he has some sort of social anxiety and he tends away from groups. To tell you the truth, everyone in the department is sort of fascinated by him, like a curious sort of awe.
I've always worked quite closely with him: he's my advisor, I've had three upper-level classes with him, I do research with him and occasionally help him with labs. Forgive me for a momentary lack of humility, but my work within the physics department is exceptional – I've done summer research through two top schools in physics, and I'm grad school-bound. Through all of this he's written me stellar letters of recommendation and nominated me for several scholarships. I know he thinks highly of me professionally and enjoys working with me – he's told me this. But in the past year or so I've gotten to know him on a much more personal level, as well.
This past summer, he and I went to a conference in Michigan (his graduate alma mater) and spent about a week together. At first, I was a little concerned that it would be an awkward week, but I had a really wonderful time with him. Besides the usual activities – talks, introductions to others in the field, workshops – we spent time together outside the conference. We generally had coffee in the morning before planning the day, had dinner together, when we would discuss our common interests (aside from physics, we're both musicians, and love poetry), and spent a day perusing the world headquarters of Borders. The poster that I presented went particularly well; afterward he complimented me on my ease with explaining the material in a laid-back manner.
When I returned to school this fall, my feelings for him hadn't gone. At the annual department picnic, he came (unusual in itself, again he is uncomfortable in groups), and what's more, he brought his mandolin and played with a fellow faculty member. Now, I'm no slouch in bluegrass, so I joined them with some vocals, and we had a great time. He even gave me his mandolin and tried to show me how to play it. Later the department assistant told me how shocked she was – she's known him for 20 years and he's never let anyone touch his instruments.
Now, just lately, he's been invited to give a talk at a conference. He's been working on it for weeks and has a rough draft written out word for word. When I stopped by his office he asked me if I would read through it and give him any feedback, corrections or suggestions, but he asked if I could please stay in his office, because he's very uncomfortable with people seeing his unfinished work and doesn't want any stray eyes to see it. And he tells me that I and the conference organizer will be the only people to read it before the conference, and he really values my opinion and feedback.
Throughout all of this time, the department assistant tells me that he talks about me often. (This is unsolicited – I would never want to cast him in an unprofessional light by even hinting that I have feelings for him. As I said, people in the department have this curious fascination with the things he does). Let me also clarify – he has never been married, has no children. He is also 55.
So I guess my question is multi-fold. I'm confused – being attracted to older men or 'authority figures' has never been my thing. And I'm wondering if his actions in any way indicate that he feels the same way towards me. I know he would never be overt, he's professional, reserved, and far too polite. And I'm wondering what to do. Doing nothing is eating away at me – I love being with him, talking to him – but given the circumstances and the age difference, how can I do anything?
I really appreciate you taking the time to read this entirely too long and detailed question. :)
Thank you,
Pollux
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I just love your letter, your question, the way you word things. You are very articulate, but your feelings come out so strongly in your prose. I appreciate your confiding in me. I see a couple of things here. Let me explain. While many young girls dream of being in love with someone, you know, about their age, great looking, working together to get ahead, raise a family, etc. etc. etc. And this is a wonderful pursuit and many people find happiness this way. You sound like a person of great intellect and with many many interests more in the realm of intellect, rather than emotions. You found a person with whom your minds and interests and level of intelligence is, dare I say it, a perfect match. This is RARE. You could meet that great young guy, who will meet many of your needs, be a great provider and a great dad, but if you are not a match of the mind, then you will always feel that something is missing. Of course being the good person that you are, you will still be a good wife and mother and all the things that go along with that. But it sounds to me like this match between you and the professor is a once in a life time event for the both of you. I feel that he never found anyone that he felt he would be totally suited to, and be happy with. Because he wanted all of his dreams fulfilled, not just the wife and mother of his children part. But a real partner. Sounds like you would like that too. What you two have, as you have explained it to me, is not common, but what the great loves are made of. Something thousands of women, and men, yearn for, and recognize it in others when they see it, but will never get to experience it for themselves.
I think you two would have a mutually loving and respectful relationship. That is very important.
Many young couples start out together with lots of hopes for the future, then reality like work, and kids, and financial pressures kick in, and well the whole thing can go sour, or you end up just working so hard, both of you, that you grow apart. Sometimes couples can get it back. Sometimes they divorce.
My advice would be to try bring your relationship with the professor to the next level, but of course that opens a whole new set of problems.
He will be against it, because he knows how many doors you will be closing, if you are involved in a committed relationship with him. Your parents will have the same reservations.
Well, I don't have to tell you what sort of things they will say to you, I am sure you have already said them in your mind. You know. I believe that he finally found someone he can be happy with, and I think your love would help him to grow into a person who is more comfortable in public and he will continue to grow with your love and kindness. He will reach his full potential. And you know you can always be proud of him. That is important. For me, to be with a man I can admire and be proud of, if something that I long for. It is hard to find. You probably already know a lot of jerks.
Like you said, you are not attracted to older men or authority figures, and from what you explain, I don't think that is the reason for the attraction. I think it is all of the interests that you two share, the mutual respect, and the qualities that you both see in each other, that you were never able to find in another person.
It is true, he will be getting the better end of the deal in this relationship. Everyone will think you are the Prize and he is the winner. You will be settling. But you know better than that.
Pollux, just the way you explained things to me, made me see a "once in a lifetime" connection.
I think it is worth pursuing. After all, if it was only a physical attraction, you two would have gone to bed together already, and you'd be over each other. So it is not physical. I even see a spiritual bond here.
My advice.....you'll be sorry if you don't take this chance. Try to take the relation ship to the next level, and see what happens. Which maybe could be an official "date". Why not suggest that they two of you go on a "date". and see what he says. See how he behaves. If he seems thrilled, and you feel the same way, then go on more dates and let things take their natural course. And of course you'll both have conversations about how to deal with the nay sayers, when the time comes. You have already spent years admiring this man. When that admiration can be carried into a realtionship, and marriage, and a life time (no matter how short) it is a wonderful thing. And I think he feels the same way about you.
Write again if you have more questions.
Thanks for much for trusting me with this information.
Good luck to both of you.
- Michele
]
More Questions: |