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I'm totally useless!!
I'll try to make an extremely long story short. First of all, I have TERRIBLE taste in men. My last boyfriend "Jared" convinced me that he really cared about me, in an effort to get me to allow him to move in with me. Of course, I fell for it, and he did. Then, he started drug dealing from my house. In the end, we got arrested, I lost my house and ended up moving back home, and he dropped me like a bad habit.
I got quite the lucky break in that I was put on probation for four years with a differed sentence meaning that I can have my record cleared when I'm done. Also, once I've completed all my requirements while on probation (which I have), I can go unsupervised (meaning I don't have to report to an officer), and petition the judge to have my record cleared early. "Jared" wasn't as fortunate.
Now my problem...I feel like as long as I'm on probation I'm completely useless. I'm working at a job I absolutely hate for minimum wage because I can't seem to get hired anywhere else due to my record. I've always had low self esteem because I was born with anmiotic band syndrome which left my fingers deformed from birth, so I've never been able to meet guys let alone talk to them, and after this last guy, I'm terrified at the very thought. I'm in school as a Criminal Justice major (ironic right?), but with the hours I'm working at my job, it's nearly impossible to keep up with. Things that I used to love are now becoming a chore, like singing on the praise team at my church, or simply attending church at all. I don't have many friends in my hometown, and the ones I do have are all married or dating which is even more depresseing on my part. I feel completely unwanted, un-needed, and unnecessary! I feel like I just exist. Everyday is the exact same routine. There's no excitement, no nothing. I've even gone so far as to wonder if anyone would even care if I died today. I mean, I'm not suicidal by any means...I just wonder. Sure people would be sad for a few days, but I've never made an impact on anyone's life. They'd all forget about me in a week or so.
It just seems like as long as this is on my record, I'm at a stand still. I've talked to the District Attorney about petitioning the judge for an early expungement, and he made it very clear that if I do, he will contest. I've done everything I know how...cut connections with bad influences...completed all my requirements for my probation...paid all my court fees...held the same job for almost two years and became the manager. I don't smoke, don't drink, don't party.
I fully understand the fact that I have to pay the price for my actions and bad judgment. If I can't get an early expungement, or even if I do, what do I do about feeling like such a waste of space? I don't need to be rich and famous, just have sone sort of purpose, and know that I am needed or at least wanted by someone...ANYONE!!
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"Careful about your major, you do know that your going to be limited with a bad record, even if its cleared. I suppose it depends on what part of the criminal justice job you are looking for and country"
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Im sorry, I didn't feel like reading it all
but now that I did, I feel bad for you. Its no doubt A tough situation that your in.
It looks like you want to feel needed and loved
so you want a lover
I suggest and I know its easy to say. you start working out, you start eating right, and you start caring about yourself, at the same time, find a man who you think has great moral character, pretty or not, love is an amazing thing. make sure moral is the key.
Take a look at life, and see whats really important? whats really going on in the world?
wheres it all coming to
I understand you go to church, Like me I go to church, but Im no true christian but I know god is real, I just deny him and its my fault, it true, I don't want to anymore but, Im with idiot.
the best thing to help me, and i doubt it will help you is exercise and music. I run and workout often, and many times play the guitar because I am sad.
this world is sad, yet you got to stand up and try to be on the right angle.
maybe, Write a book, help children, or just plain out help yourself.
good luck, sorry if i didn't help, no idea how to truely, but remember there are many people in your situation who have pulled out of this, and you can do it too. you are awesome because you work hard, you handle things yourself, you seem like one tough cookie, and tough cookies last a long time.
don't change my rating, being number 1 is not always a bad thing you know :P
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I can relate to you.I just got off probation,7 years of it and i felt the same way thru most of it. its all in how you look at it.for me probation kept me in line and focused because of the severe consiquences that would be there if i wasnt following the rules.so just do what you have to do and things well get better.
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