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emotionally unavailable
Ok, I'm 21/F and have a pretty good life. I have a few good friends, a great family and go to college. The problem is, I am extremely closed off. I don't let anyone get too close. If I feel a guy or even a friend is trying to get closer, I back off or start to become a big bitch. I have been hurt in the past badly, but I'm not even sure if that's why I am this way. My mom even says I have this big wall in front of me and haven't dropped my guard down for years. I'm terrified I'm going to always be alone because of this. I do attract many good guys, but as soon as they find out how emotionally unavailable I am, they get frustrated and back off. My friends have said that I won't even let them get too close. What am I supposed to do? I want to be more open, but than an open heart can allow pain and hurt to get inside. My thought is it's better to be safe than sorry. Should I just start taking the risk?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Life is a risk. If you never take chances, you will not experience what life has to offer, meaningful relationships included. Part of any new experience is not knowing what will happen next. You have to understand that as likely as it is for things to go downhill, there is an equal chance of things actually going well. If anything, by allowing yourself to experience what life throws at you- relationships, school/work opportunities, travel, etc., or even trying something new at a restaurant or going to a an unknown band's concert, you will learn something. You may or may not learn some things the 'hard' way, but you WILL learn.
The reason you are closing yourself off or building a wall around yourself, is that in some way, you are afraid of getting hurt. Not allowing people to get close to you is a way of protecting yourself. But think of all the chances at friendship and love you might actually be missing out on by not opening yourself up to people. When people get closer to you, you back off and start becoming defensive, because deep down, you do not want them to get to a certain level with you- that might give them a ticket to hurt you in some way. If you look at relationships that way, how can you ever really get close to people?
Instead, be cautious, but not defensive. When you meet new people, you do not have to open yourself up 100%- people should have to earn your trust. BUT, they should not have to go through nearly impossible lengths to do it. Slowly allow yourself to open up to people, even though doing so is not within your comfort zone. When you have a feeling that you are with good people who you feel happy with, then you have no reason to back off or act defensive. You say that you want to "be more open, but that an open heart can allow pain and hurt to get inside." But you know what? An open heart can also allow happiness, love, joy, experience, and LIFE to get inside.
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i understand where you are coming from completely. if i were you, i wouldn't open myself up completely, because it's not dumb to be cautious. but if you feel something good with a guy, open up slowly and if he sticks around long enough, i think it's safe to say he really does like you for you and doesn't want to hurt you.
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well its like this: you take alot of risks, have a lot of fun, make a lot of memories, but of course there will be a time when something happens and you regret doing something or letting someone in. but when that happens, just remember you had some great times and now you need to move on and make new ones. i used to be just like you. never telling anyone how i really feel. not being able to keep boyfriends because i could put in what they wanted. it does feel good to hide behind a wall and never feel pain, but its more fulfilling to make mistakes and have healthy experiences.
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