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Found e-mails from old girlfriend and am sooo confused
I am usually the one giving advice but I am at a loss here as to what to do. Dating a wonderful man for 5 yrs. He is very successful in business and been divorced for 13 years. We waited for my daughter to go away to school to begin our "life together" under one roof. We have issues like every couple but are very much in love. He will basically do anything for me and treats me like gold. After all these years we are still like kids and text and e-mail love notes/exchanges 7-8 times a day. Basically we have a pretty perfect thing and I am madly in love with him. Before me (his ex really hurt him and left when he became ill now fully recovred) he had occasional GF's nothing overly serious. However before me he dated a girl almost 30 yrs younger for about 9 mos. Long distance so actually were only together a total of 8-9 times in all. She was a single mother, struggling etc. He was honest when we met and said he cared for her but it would never work out for many, many reasons, it wasn't love for him but apparantly for her. He broke it off and began dating me. He is used to people doting on him and has made it clear that he needs to feel loved at all times and that he will do the same. He has women friends from the past and I have never had any issues at all about his very occasional lunch dates, etc. except for with one women who has problem after problem and calls him constantly, mails gifts to his grandbabies (who she has never met), etc When I answer the phone she hangs up- you get my point? His theory is that if he were interested in her he could have dated her way before me and that he is a good person and enjoys helping others...instead of bickering about it, I just finally said, whatever. It is what it is, he loves me and he probably just enjoys the ego boost. THIS current issue however is different. I had both our cell phones last week and up popped a message from the girl from 5 years ago who he had broken up with. Basically telling him it was so nice talking with him, how she hoped she was not
interefering because she was aware he was in a relationship. She appreciated his advice helping her as her husband just filed for divorce and since he would be in San Diego next mo would love to meet him for a drink, etc. I basically felt the world fall apart when I read this. I have trusted this man with my entire being. I confronted him and he said she reached out to him etc and I should understand that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, loves only me and that he was just a helping hand to a friend. He allegedly would have mentioned the calls and possible get together - he also called her for her b-day the same week and sent a cutsie text singing it as well...he would have mentioned them but did not know how I would react because he knows how I can "get" when it come to his so called women friends. I told him if he needed to get something resolved go see her and he said that is def not the case. It would just be because he is Calif once a year and it would be nice to see an old friend, etc I must be from another planet but I told him he is flirting with disater. This woman was crazy about him and broken hearted when he ended it. What purpose would it solve? People will do what they want regardless, especially men. So, again at a loss? What do I do, Tell him I really would appreciated him not meeting her for a drink? What purpose would it serve? That it's ok to continue phone/email coorespondence? He is 63, I am 45 and the girl in San Diego is 32. Sounds like he may need an ego boost...but do I stand by and allow it? I have never had nor wanted to tell a man what to do. You do what you feel is right. In the mean time, I feel, hurt, betrayed and obsessed with this person coming into our lives and upsetting it. I told him if she only wanted friendship then why no phone call a yr or two ago when she was happily married? Sorry for the rambling....Do I move in with him hoping that this will strengthen us and this nonsense will subside or ???? I do love him and in his defense he really does get off on helping all kinds of people, including men, kids, family.
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ok firstly i think you need to count down from 5 and take a deep breath.
its ok i know how you feel and its not a nice feeling at all. even if this woman had intentions to move onto your man im sure he loves you and wouldnt risk it. he spent how long with you and left you for her he wants to be with you.to me it sounds like he wants to be with a woman he can form a life with form a never ending future and he knows your the one for him.
if you push the situation or tell him not to go then he may do it behind your back. this is just going to cause an arguement between you two. he only wants to be trusted.trrust him untill hes done soemthing bad right now he could be innocent and she maybe over him for good. just dont over analys the situation or your going to blow.men really hate to be told what to do.right now hes just being there for her but if you have one instinct that things dont feel right then thats when you tell him to stop talking to her. Start pulling the finger when you have evidence.
move in with him if you feel its the right time for both of you not because you think it will fix anything and by the sounds of it you too are soo inlove you should be living together
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5 years is a long time to not be with someone and I must ask why the hell is she contacting him now? Frankly, I will say I think she still has feelings for him or least she is now going through a divorce and maybe is trying to see if she could possibly get him back? For starters, Your boyfriend should of not have had any contact with his ex as she is an EX girlfriend and half of the time when they come around again it puts the current relationship in jepordy. Him having contact with his ex girlfriends will only cause you two stress and over time possible trust issues between the two of you. Tell him how you feel, If he is a real man and loves you then he should understand how you feel. It shouldn't be you to tell her not to call and state that he loves you etc. (I'm not saying you did) It should be your boyfriend that tells her that way she understands that he does not have feelings for her and it is NOT okay for her to intrude in on your relationship. She could of stated in a text message that it wasn't her intention but how do you really know what she thinking...well you don't and that is why I think you need to talk to your boyfriend about it. If he continues to have contact with her she could possibly get the impression that it is OK to have a casual conversation when it is not...as he is clearly in a relationship with you and all his attention should be on you and not on his ex or exes. It is okay to have friends that are females, but on the other hand when it comes to exes not only is that a red flag but it's drama up the ass.
ADDED: sorry I forgot to add a few things, I undersand that he loves to help people but sometimes we all need to be careful of who we help I think it's time you put your foot down and let him know that you won't tolorate this. It is kind of suspisious and wrong of him to do this. Also no I don't think you should move in with him. NOT YET anyway, I would get this whole thing sorted out and make sure you two have a clear understanding.
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