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How do I handle this?
Okay. 21/f, he's 24/m, we've been together for, like, 4 years.
What's changed recently is that I'm in the throes of a massive pain problem. No doctor has found a correct diagnosis, and the painkillers I've been taking for it have recently stopped keeping the pain at bay.
A little background on me: I'm an extremely independent person, unused to leaning on anyone, let alone having anyone to lean on. This guy used to be like, the epitome of a bad boyfriend, and now all of a sudden, he's kinda perfect. I know I haven't adjusted to the change in him yet.
Problem: Every time I see him, having opened up to him more at this point, I feel the desire to just hug him and cry because I hurt so much. It happened ONCE that I actually did that, and I don't remember any of it. I kinda broke down, and I think it scared me a lot. I'm aware of this, and I'm aware that it won't happen every time I see him, but it's making me reluctant to hang out with him. Every time we're supposed to see each other, I cancel, and I hate myself for it. What's worse is that I'll cancel with him and go hang out with someone else. I know I can't isolate myself, so I try to surround myself with people. But I can keep up my front around people I'm not close with. I can't around him.
Logically, I know I should just suck it up and talk to him about this, but I don't feel like I can, and if I do, I don't know what'll happen to us. I feel like if I'm that open with him, he'll just run away. 'Cause really...would you want a depressed girl around after you just came out of depression yourself?
I've been his rock for, like, a year. I don't know how to switch roles like that.
Any advice? All suggestions are welcome here.
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I am a great deal older than most of the advisers on this site, so my advice will be somewhat different from what you may have received and may continue to receive from others.
I am not writing to address your boyfriend problem but rather your pain problem. I too suffer from chronic pain for which the local practice doctors were unable to find the cause, other then it stemmed from an auto accident. None of the pain killers they gave me worked and like you I slid into a depressive cycle. This is called the cycle of pain. Pain causes depression and depression causes pain.
I didn’t give up when my local doctors could no longer help me. I called a University Hospital Medical Center. One that has a Medical School, I spoke with an outpatient coordinator who after listening to my symptoms’ and asking a few questions made an appointment with one of their doctors. It turned out the doctor she sent me to was not only the department head but also a Professor of Medicine at the School of Medicine. He was able to find the problem. Unfortunately the problem cannot be fixed, but with the proper diagnosis I was sent to a pain management center where the doctors there have been able to prescribe medications to keep my pain under control and various treatments that bring me almost pain free for periods of time.
My advice is to not give up. If you have not already done so contact the closest University Medical Center Outpatient Coordinator. Let them find a doctor, in Hospital, for you to see. Doctors who train other doctors are usually always on the cutting edge of medicine. Sometimes when we suffer from insurmountable medical problems these are the doctors we need to see. You also need to see a doctor for treatment of your depression. Depression will not go away by itself.
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He's went from bad boyfriend to perfect boyfriend for you, you were his rock. If this is the relationship you will end up with in the end, it's his turn to be your rock. You can't just be his rock and not have a rock. It doesn't work that way, this man sounds like he loves you.. I'd talk to him about it, don't worry about him running away from you.. He loves you and you know this deep down, and know he won't leave you. Just try to explain to him how you feel, maybe you two can discuss how to handle all of this together.
And for gods sakes stop blowing him off, thats what will push him away the most, cause he doesn't realize why you're doing it.. He has no idea why you would throw away time you could be spending with him to go spend with someone else.
You're probable scarying him with the way you're acting, he probable feels like he's losing you..
Give him a chance to try and help you, don't just assum he's going to disappear on you. He's been around this long, he's going to stay.
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