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I wrote down what was pouring from my heart.
like the title, i really did.
I was just wondering if more people felt this way
and if there is a way to come back?
ive talked to my parents about ways to help me
and they say its just a part of life
im not thinking of suicide
but i go to food as a comfort, and thats not good for me.
i dont like clothes fitting tight, thats even less self esteem.
ive been through hard times in my life, because they were my fault.
I realized how bad of a person i am
and i dont know how to fix, especially when i apologized to people, and tried to make up for it but they dont accept ...
also, i cant really be 'happy'
and being 'in love' has just died out. I dont know
I cant feel feelings anymore, it sounds weird..but i cant feel true happines, and I cant feel relief, I cant feel blessed. I can only feel serious numbness.. i didnt know that was possible
but things dont usually 'phase' me unless its negative. I keep the feelings bottled up. I used to think when people say these things, it was all bull, but when i express, my true self to my own self.. those words come out. and i mean every one of them.
here it is:
Ive been chasing my shadows for some time now
I lost interest in everything
That made me myself.
I hope to live
Happy some day
I hope to be forgiven for my sins to you
The only way I can actually feel okay
Is if I learn to not care at all
I cant imagine myself being carried
While tears are flowing from my eyes
I don’t want to know the pain
That is kept in my heart
The growing pains of my mind
Are unexplainable to anyone else
The sadness I feel, kept inside.
Is not something im proud to tell
I feel ashamed of my existence
I lost what I knew was the best for me
I know, some still do love me,
But I realized what I aimed for was wrong
I try to make amends,
But im simply not strong
I know the ones surrounding me would not understand.
I try to give my best,
But I end up failing, wanting freedom
When I had the love that was the best
It just wasn’t close enough
I turned to things that weren’t good for me
And Ive realized, that I’m not as special as I thought I was
I’m just another miserable person
I looked at myself the other day
And I had a thought
That scratched my heart
And my well being.
My self esteem
And soul
Nearly died,
I realized.. I was the person, that I hated the most
What I saw in other people
And judged, hated them for the things they did
What they thought, what they said, even how they looked.
Their entire lifestyles, I realized.. I am living the exact way they are.
Am I just blind?
Or Do I hate myself?
Did I realize it?
OR did I know all along, but was too ignorant to notice.
Ive coasted by on life
You could say happy-go-lucky.
I’ve reached an all time low.
And I cant seem to get back
When I know it’s the most important thing
I cant describe my problem
Or even know what it is,
So I don’t know the first step, in coming back.
I cant even make proper friends
I have soiled my reputation that was at least good enough to pass by
But now I know that it is almost unfixable.
At least, that’s what I think it is.
I pour my heart to others,
And find myself at a stop..
I can’t fully say, all of how I feel
Because I am ashamed I will lose them,
Because I don’t have much left.
I found out, people are my happiness.
Other peoples satisfaction of me, was my happiness.
I don’t think ive ever made my own self happy
When I went against others
And I thought I was never like that
I could not see the person I really was
I thought I knew myself,
But when I realized my true colors..
I discovered I may have lived a lie,
That I told myself.
Without even knowing..
How can someone trick themselves, without them even knowing
When, and where…. how did it start?
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You sound like you're in a really tough position and I can't promise you an easy way out. If you've tried to make amends with the people you've hurt and tried to fix the things you've done wrong, then that's a good start. But, truth is, your trying alone probably won't fix everything...and it hasn't so far.
I know you feel low right now, probably depressed (from how it sounds), but you can get yourself back up, and up to a place where you won't have to feel guilty all the time anymore. I'm not going to apologize for this, but I accept that many people are opposed to the idea (for reasons beyond my understanding) but I think it's be the best thing in the world for you, because it has been for so many people I know. Have you tried talking to God?
You have to know, despite whether or not other people forgive you, He did, and He wants you to forgive yourself. He knows how special you are, and He loves you for that....He doesn't wanna see you hurting. He is where you will truly find yourself, and He is where you can find true happiness.
I don't know how you got here, but what does it matter? You're here, in this place where you don't want to be. So why not try getting out. Look to God....He can help with that.
I know the idea might seem very abstract now, but it's really just prayer or going to godly people to help. They listen. :) and if you want to talk to me more, I'll listen. My e-mail is nellybly22@gmail.com. I don't care about the rating on this, I just want you t think about it. God loves you....take comfort in that.
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Im not sure if your post was actually a question, I was in a similar situation when I was 16 (im 21 now)
i felt like my life was pointless and heres why.
I was raped, my younger sister died, my parents divorced, 5 close friends of mine died in High school, (all at different times) my grandmother died, (my last living grandparent. she raised me), Ive struggled with my weight my whole life after my rape, and kids teased me every year, my mother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and my senior year she decided to leave her 2nd husband and could no longer afford to take care of me. At that point, I HAD TO MOVE OUT, not because I was ready, but because I had NO CHOICE, i had no relatives to move in with, so I was sure i was going out on the streets....
I guess you could say Ive had it rough...
At that point in my life, i wanted to die. life was too hard and I just didnt believe I could pull through in the end. it was pointless and I thought I was just God's toy. I wasnt even sure there was a God....
one day, I woke up on a friends couch, and I decided I was NOT going to let this happen. NOT TO ME. I was going to CHANGE what was happening to me.
so the day I graduated High School, I started my first job. there was no summer break for me. I have been working every day since.
Today, I am 21 yrs old, I bought myself a brand new car, I have my own apartment, i pay over 20 bills every month including cell phone, insurance, gas, rent, you get the idea.
all on my own. Now heres my advice:
NOW i realize that by making me go through all of those things, God was preparing me for my life. He was making me understand that the world is never fair, but you can turn BAD things into GOOD things with the right attitude!
If I had an easy childhood, I would still be sitting at home with mommy and daddy taking care of me and not knowing what the real world is like, just like most of the people my age are doing right now. All my friends are envious that I have my own place and do what I want. I have to remind them of all the bad things Ive gone through just to get where I am...but in the end, i am the most successful person in my large group of friends....and i am the YOUNGEST. =]
The reason I told you my life story is because I think young teens/adults like you can learn alot from me. It can be motivation, to keep your chin up, and dont get depressed.
God works in amazing ways. dont ever doubt him.
If bad things are happening, remember, you are strong. most people prey on other peoples self esteem because they like the reaction you give them.
So next time you feel dont on life, just remember that you arent going to be a sad kid forever. you will grow into a happy, adult with friends and a family someday. I promise things will be hard at first, but I also promise that the mental strength you will gain from this will be VERY worth it in the end.
if you ever want to talk or want some 1 on 1 advice, ive experiencced alot and can help with almost anything. feel free to email me anytime, 24/7. im here for ya =]
stephanie.ellick@gmail.com
steph 21/houston
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