awkward...
16/f
so...um...my boyfriend and I have been hanging out A LOT lately at his house, alone, because his parents work and stuff. so um, lately he's been getting very....touchy, ya know? I mean, we've always kissed, but lately he's been going for my breasts and trying to get his hands down my pants and trying to convince me to give him a hj or a bj. I'm not ready for any of that. i mean, it can't be THAT bad, i know. being fingered or giving a bj/hj. but I DON'T WANT TO. not yet anyway. and i really do love him. but i don't know what to do. because I'm afraid that if i continue to say no, he might dump me or hurt me. he's raised his hand to me before. raised his hand, left, slammed some doors and kicked some furniture, than came back like nothing happened. he threw a knife in my direction once. thank god it missed! but really, I'm scared. i don't want him to dump me and I don't want him to hurt me, and I'm afraid that if I keep refusing, one of those two or both will happen. what do i do?
sorry it's so long and sorry if it was too detailed. thanks for reading and any advice, whether it's one word or a million, will be completely appreciated.
thanks
Chailey
First and foremost NO means NO; your boyfriend has to understand that. If you are uncomfortable with him touching you and you have told him to stop and he does not; then he is sexually attacking you. Next: never ever let anyone coerce you into doing anything against your will. If the something they are attempting to coerce you to do is sexual in nature, then that is rape. While BJ’s and HJ’s might not seem all that sexual it does require you to touch him in a sexual nature therefore forming the basis of a rape charge.
I am also concerned by your boyfriends’ actions over your refusal to satisfy him. The actions you described are typical of those of an abusive person, something I would not like to see your boyfriend grow up as. While he has not hurt you yet, he may do so in the future. The throwing of the knife really scares me both for your safety and the fact that what he did is a felony, Assault with a Deadly Weapon (ADW). The fact that the knife didn’t hit you means nothing, the charge stems from the action of throwing the knife.
This is an abusive situation and one I would like to see you away from. It is okay to love him, but you need to tell him he needs to get his anger under control before he sees you again. Tell him that you are not ready for sex and all his abusive actions will not force you into complying with his demands. Tell him that his actions scare you and you fear for your safety when he gets this way.
Your boyfriend needs to seek treatment from a qualified therapist for his abusive ways. If you truly love him the best thing you can do is to tell him this and tell him that until he gets himself under control and into treatment you will not see him anymore.
Last I urge you to speak with your parents about what you have written to me. From what you have written I can tell you are a bright young lady who has a great future ahead of her. Your parents have done a good job in raising you, giving you a good set of values as well as knowing right from wrong. Trust in them that they will do the right thing here. As I said I believe you should not see this boy again until he has his abusive manner under control and I certain your parents are going to want the same thing. Your safety is first and foremost here and while doing this for you hopefully we can save your boyfriend of a lifetime of trouble. Make sure you tell your parents about the knife. [ adviceman49's advice column | Ask adviceman49 A Question ]
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