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Maybe it's time I should take it out even if you're strangers... !!
Well you know those girls who appear all rebel and tough, and it's written all over there face "Don't mess with me" but deep deep inside they are actually weak.
Well Hi, I'm one of them
I have came here to admit I think I'm mentally unstable and all in all I'm afraid I'm going NUTS.
So I'm going to give you a background of what I've been through (I'm pretty popular around the area but I don't talk about myself at all so no one knows what I'm about to say)
It all started with I'm Syrian well originally I'm Syrian, My father is Syria from Damascus, but my mother is Armenian who lived in Iraq, she got married twice, first husband got two kids (that's in Iraq) one of them is now lost, she doesn’t know anything about him, she left them when they were young with there father, the other one is in Australia married with 5 kids I guess not sure.
She divorced the first guy because … wait I'll tell you why she married him first, her family was really poor and strict so she run away with him when she was 16 or 17 I guess. He owned a strip club, so after a while of marriage she got two boys my step brothers, and her husband start abusing her, like he would get a chain and bit her up, like seriously bit her up, she used to tell me "blood all over my body" so she couldn’t take it even though she loved him so much and all reasons he bit her for was because he used to bring women and fuck them at her house and when she tells him how dare you, he would bit her up. At the end she left him and didn't even ask about her children from the pain she had.
Then she got married again when her whole family moved to Australia because of war in Iraq. This guy she didn't love him but she got married because she needed some place to live, she got another kid from him, Avo the nice step brother. Anyways she's Christine and he was Muslim, he was really nice and quiet, and such a gentlemen but after time he asked her to get veiled and move to Kuwait with him, when she refused he divorced her.
She took Avo with her and moved to Lebanon, now I don't know how she lived there and she had Avo, how she spend money, I really don't want to believe she was a prostitute, but I have my doubts.
Then she met the guy who I'm emotionally crushed because of him, my father.
They got married and she moved with him in Syria and he was deadly RICH.
Now my father's past, he got married once before my mother, but had two kids a girl and a boy.
His one of the 9 kids in the family, they are 6 boys and 4 girls, big poor family they were. All I know that his dad was a very nice man but a bad parent, so was his mother.
The 9 uncles and unties I have, they always fight and when my grandma dead they fucked each other up for the money. But my dad was the only successful one of them; he got so rich, like soooo rich.
Facts about my father, he doesn't trust anyone because he is a compulsive liar, he thinks I can be a bitch because he fucked so many bitchs, he is an alcoholic who gets pissed when I tell him dad you drink a lot, he is addicted to gambling and gets pissed when I tell him "no dad you're not going to the park, your going with your friends to gamble it's okay tell me you don't have to lie"
He would get pissed and calls me names like hell and would shout something like "it's your entire mother's fault that raised you like that"
And actually it's like that, my dad says "fuck" and my mom says "nice" and I would say "fuck", dad would look at mom and say "it's your entire fault", yes he is that fucked up
Anyways, mom got married to my dad because she needed money for Avo to have a good life. But she didn't know what dad is really like at the time
My dad is not really an asshole, he has a spilt personality he is mentally unstable he is a little kid, I'm more mature than he his, he needs anger management classes, and he is very violent, he cheats on mom, drinks and caught drugs with him a lot, he would spend a lot of money on gambling. But he is very kind when he is not in his other person, I'm sure he has spilt personality. But I can't live with him.
Moving on with the story that has no happiness or end
When I was about 9, my mom had a plan; she needed to get out of the shit hole with living with a psycho like my father. He had houses in Lebanon and Egypt; he wanted to sell a house in Egypt so she called her friend in Egypt and told her to call my father and pretend she is interested in buying the house so he can travel to Egypt for a while.
My mother sold her car and a house she had here, and did my passport and sister's passport (forget to mention I had an older sister, she is 2 years older than me), and we traveled to Australia, my mom couldn't take us by law because in Syria the rights aren't with the woman. We traveled there and did our immigration papers, and all in all we got fucked there, we moved 6 houses, we were broke.
From my unties house who made my mom work with her in cleaning toilets and not giving my mom the money, to living with my brother that is married not the lost one (Avo moved to Australia before I was born and when I was in Australia he lived with his girlfriend in a small apartment) the one from the first husband, he was horrible, he treated me and my sister bad, very bad, he was an asshole. When my mom had enough we moved with my mom's mom who was very old and crazy, she would drive me and my sister crazy, then we rented a lot of houses but my mother couldn't keep up with the money so at the end we moved with my nice brother Avo, it was nice but no one was ever home, like it was always me and my sister alone at home. We would go to school by bus, public bus and Avo, Tanya (Avo's girlfriend), and Mom go to work me and Nora (my sister) would be sleeping, when we wake up, they are gone, and when they come back we would be asleep, we would only see family on weekends. I don't think that was healthy for such age.
And I wasn’t doing good in school either, well smart yes I'm smart and I was a good kid just didn't have friends, I was rejected in society.
It was hell everyday until my mom didn't have money and she couldn't take asking my brother for money all the time, and that period of time, my mother's weak time, my dad called and pretended he was sick and dying, and he needs to see his children and that he changed and he loves my mom and he wants her back. My mom brought everything he said, she believed him.
She asked the lawyer about going back but won't affect the papers, so the lawyer said go anywhere but not Syria, so she told my dad and he said "don't worry we'll live in Egypt and there is very good American schools for the kids"
So we moved to Egypt after 2 years of torture in Australia, first couple of months my dad pretended as if he changed and everything but then we start discovering a bit by bit that he is just the same but we couldn't leave again, we had no money and mom can't take us by law, my father at the time was obsessed with me, he loved me so much and he even admitted in front of my sister that he loves me more but she couldn't care less and I'm 100% positive about this, anyways living with him for 4 years in Egypt was like being in a prison, literally prison, I got screwed up from guys and friends, I never had my own friends I hang out with my sister most of the time, but she is really mean , Nora was really mean and still is.
In the house with my father was pain, he was torture, it was horrible, it was shit, I tried killing myself a lot, so many I can't count, I have suicide marks everywhere in my body.
Rules: can't speak to boys, it was against the rules, can't go out to anywhere unless we go to this girl's house, but we used to pull tricks and mom used to help, like we would tell him we're going to this girl's house, he would drop us over and we would pretend we're going up the building and then we would go out with our friends, and I wish I didn't know those friends but it's fine, those weren't the worse.
They taught me smoking, and it's still a habit right now, I still smoke cigarettes. They taught me drinking and it was the first time I've ever tried drugs was with them, mostly we would do weed which is called Hash; we would smoke it in a joint.
The last year with my dad, I met my only best friend in the world and guess what yes she is a girl, her name is Areeb and she is Saudi Arabian, I know weird but she is the coolest bitch ever, and that was the time I start getting into rock much more and metal music, and this music became my life until now.
I changed my style; I cut my hair short and stopped hanging out with bitchs and pimps.
2008 summer, my mom sold her car my dad brought and the house and we left for vacation while he was in Syria on business, we went to Lebanon so if he looked for us in the country he won't find us, when we run away again I felt like past repeat itself.
But this time the plan was different; we would go on vacation and then come back and find a house, live in Egypt until February 2009 and go to Australia.
We went to Lebanon and Turkey, we had fun but my sister left early days of Lebanon and didn't come to Turkey with us, she went back to Egypt because she wanted to spend time with her boyfriend Sami who was a close friend of mine then.
In Lebanon I stayed most of my time at Areeb's house in Lebanon she was there at the same time I was which was of course awesome for me.
We finished and went back before school starts in weeks, we stayed out of Egypt for almost 2 months, we went to a different school and a really far away area to live in, it was in the desert, so no way my dad would find us there, even if the cops looked for us they won't find us, and that time I start living the life I want, and looking like the person I want, I got two tattoos and 5 piercings, tongue, nose, eyebrow, and two lips which they are called snakebites. I felt mentally good, emotional and everything, I loved me the way I looked, when I looked at myself in the mirror I liked it, I felt like this look belongs to me.
Since my only best friend and friend left the country which was Areeb, (she only stayed in Egypt for one year because her sister was getting married and went back to Saudi to start school there again) I start hanging out more with my mean bitchy sister and her boyfriend Sami who was such a nice guy then, I met this guy Batran who was became my best friend afterwards.
We were poor because my mother didn't have money, but I choice freedom over money, I was FREE, and I felt free. My dad was a past for me, and when I sleep all my nightmares was that we would go back to him.
Over time Nora and Sami got really serious and I and Batran were really close friends (he is a male).
Came a period where I start drinking a lot, I would go to school drunk and drink at school, I couldn't help it, I wanted alcohol 24hours.
I screwed up my life, I made out with a lot of guys, I screwed my reputation and I gave blow jobs to strangers in parties, I did stuff I don't even remember, I was just lost because I found out our immigration papers failed and we can't go to Australia, the lawyer said it's impossible.
And everyday I would do more drugs and drink more, I didn't feel I was doing something wrong because all my friends were doing it, so it was like normal to me, every time I got drunk, I would do something stupid and more people would talk about me, more and more. I would make a fool out of myself, I was depressed badly, I couldn't sleep and when I sleep I wouldn't wake up until forever I would sleep more than 14 hours and all my dreams were getting back to my father's house, actually they were nightmares, I was scared past would repeat itself again.
Every time I would drink and the next day I would be very embarrassed that I did what I did.
Until I start getting better, and didn't drink as much but did more drugs than usual, I was burning my brain cells badly.
I got screwed a lot from guys before this but I won't mention them.
It all started that day, my sister and Sami broke up, so Sami called me and asked me to come over, and there were a lot of our friends and Batran too, we were a lot. It was one of those nights where we would hang out, put some music and do drugs, and get drunk at Sami's place.
Sami got tequila and he challenged me in some shots, we drank and drank, and the next thing I remember us talking in the room alone and then making out, us naked and then moving to the couch and I remember him telling " _____ we can't have sex" I can't believe I was willing to loose my virginity to my sister's boyfriend you know, because of a drunken night, and then I passed out. I woke up the next morning sleeping on the couch naked with a blanket over me, I got up and got dressed, and then fell asleep again when I woke up, Batran and Sami were awake. That day Batran was going to travel to Saudi for a period of time and come back.
We had a party so we both got drunk and when he was dropping me home, he said something horrible "_____ I saw you naked on the couch, I put the blanket on you, and I love you, I have strong feelings for you" ad etc… so I was drunk and I told him that I have feelings for him too but we can't be together because I'm traveling and shit even though I wasn't traveling because the immigration shit didn't happen.
Days went on and Batran was convinced that I was in love with him but at the time I didn't know that he thought so, I was treating him as my best friend not my lover you know, it stayed like that for almost 6 months, but of course before that my sister found out about Sami cheated on her with me but surprisingly she took pretty well but yeah she did slap me, but at the time I was surprise that she took it normally afterwards but I was stupid now I know why, it's because she cheated on him so many times and no one knows but me and she was scared I would tell him if she bothered me or went against me. And all of the time I thought she was just trying to be a nice sister you know but no she wasn't.
Anyways after a while my nightmares were almost coming true, my sister was going to Syria to visit my father, the day she was traveling she went out with her ex boyfriend and I'm sure she cheated on Sami, so when she was in Syria I got drunk and told Batran about it, and he accidently told Sami and Nora made me send Sami a message saying "I said it but I was lying because I have something against Nora"
No I never liked Sami more than a friend, so Sami called me, "you're a bitch, get out of my life and stop trying to come between me and Nora"
And since then we stopped speaking, did I care? I pretended I didn’t but honestly I did, l, I appear to be this tough girl who never cried but here I can express my feelings usually I feel disguised doing that but as long as no one knows me I'm cool with it i guess
Anyways story cut short, I liked a guy who I fucked because I got manipulated by my best friend who did because he loved me and by me liking someone else he felt like I'm cheating on him and he was like stalking me, and it was crazy, the guy I liked wouldn't talk to me and start calling me a back stabbing bitch well he has every right to because I mean come on I told everyone he's secrets to satisfy my best friend who later told me he doesn't want to speak to me again.
My nightmares came true; my mother simply said "after 10 days, you're moving with your father in Syria"
Past repeating itself again, prison, depression and misery again not that I wasn't already depressed and miserable, and screwed with all my friends and life.
I was supposed to travel Tuesday but Friday Batran called me 3:00 A.M that's past midnight and told me to meet him down the street and I did, he was drunk and asked me to never talk to him again.
So I went to the empty house and sat on the only single couch, in the dark with a cigarette, I broke down I cried and cried till I couldn't stop, I didn't sleep I sat there smoking till morning I called my mother and said book me a ticket, she booked me a ticket which was the next day Saturday 30th May, 2009. I left supposedly no one knows I did but my mother was really worried of my behavior and sudden dying to leave the country and going over to my father. But I found out she told Batran, he came and took me from the house and dropped to the airport, he said that he was drunk and he didn't mean all the things he said but I didn't buy, I did forgive him though.
And I came here Syria living in this luxury house full of expensive shit, and will be going to the most expensive private school ever, but I'm becoming weak every day, I cry every minute of my life, I can't get over the past and start a new life without my piercings and freedom.
They made me take all o f my piercings, but he let me keep my tongue piercings, he didn't change, he is still an asshole, he's still sick.
I came here the first week was super not fun, it was without trouble, I just can't have fun with my dad, and then the only friend I have Tlal, he is a male, I came here to start a new life and then problems starts.
I swear to god sometimes I feel I'm cursed, I'm cursed. I can't take it I'm sick and tired of being guilty when I'm only trying to help, I feel I'm becoming the next Michael Jackson somehow, no not the voice or talent or super cool dance moves, just the way he is always miserable, I can't remember when was I ever happy. I'm scared when I don't have trouble I'm still unhappy.
Because all I feel now is the pain of trouble and when there is no trouble or problems, I live in a fear of my next one.
After coming here alone; Sami, Nora, and Mom came after a week. Nora and Sami got married here, because Nora doesn’t want to live with dad and no Nora is only 19 and Sami is 21 and yes that makes me only 16 and a half, but I sound more mature than that because I am one of a kind but useless.
I hang out with Tlal a lot, he is very nice but not my type, seriously I'm going to start finding some gay friends because I'm sick of guys liking me and I'm not even pretty, no nice body, face is alright just wild personality and style, and not like most girls, I'm more boyish and I hate heels.
I got drunk the other night with Tlal and told him that I like him and we can't date, it's weird because people say when you're drunk you say the truth but I wasn't saying the truth, I'm sure I don't like Tlal not even one percent, he is 25 for goodness sake, I mean I'm 16 we can't date and we talked and we’re cool. But it's been a while since I've seen him because it's been a while since my dad gone out gambling, well yeah your confused, well you see when my dad goes out he comes back at 6 in the morning, so I go out behind his back, that's all. Tlal gets mad when I don't go out but whatever I don't want to just appear tough I want to be tough.
My dad, ugh! Where can I start? Everyday single day we have to at least fight 4 times, at least I'm lucky if only 4 times.
He wants to control the way I walk you know, he wants to control everything but I don't want to let him at all, so I yell and I call him an asshole, I say fuck you, and after every fight I feel emotionally tired I'd cry, and I'm having sleeping disorder, my mom doesn't do anything about it, I swear 2 god if they see me crying they would stare at me like an animal crying and just leave.
It's horrible I'm disguised of them.
And I'm always living in a fear of what's going to happen next, like i think i have anxiety disorder with depression and everything, but the problem i can't express my feelings, I'm just not emotional you know and I'm always smiling, like when i'm not smiling or making some perverted joke my friends would look at me and say "Um... did someone die?" but they aren't used to me like that, i take it in all the time which is frustrating but i can't express my feelings you know i just can't.
I don't want to suicide either. I know I need a doctor but i can't get one because if i told my mother she wouldn't take me seriously and my dad would laugh his ass off and probably be drunk laughing, but i would just increase the laughter of his.
Please help me
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It sounds like you've had a really rough time of it. Just take a deep breath, and make your way through it all one step at a time.
1) Your relationship with your father.
Most teenagers have to deal with the generation gap. Parents are stuck 30 years in the past, and there's no way to shake them out of it. You get the added bonus of the culture gap. Unfortunately, it's really hard to change someone who is set in their ways. It's really hard to change someone else: it's a little easier to change your own point of view.
Your father is from a culture where women are traditionally restricted. Women did not (in the past, at least) have freedom of choice. You have lived in Australia, where these problems don't exist. It's a huge culture shock leaping between the Western world and the Middle East! I'm no expert on Syrian culture, but I would guess that revealing clothing and visible facial piercings are a no-go. Your father may be trying to protect you from having cultural clashes.
Until you are done high school and can make your own decisions, you are stuck where your parents want you to be. Your data says you're 16, so it's only another year or two until you are ready to go to college. Keep your eye on that goal. Survive until then. When you are an adult living on your own, you can make all your decisions. Until then, it's dad's rules.
Just remember, there's no set guideline for raising children! Your parents don't magically know what to do. They're probably every bit as lost and confused as you are.
2) The drinking and drugs.
I know it makes you feel better in the now. You said it yourself, though; the next morning you wake up hurting and ashamed. So you have another drink to make yourself feel better. And another. It's a vicious cycle, one that needs to be broken.
It's hard to control your actions when you're drunk or high. Staying in control will mean that you don't have the bad experiences that you have when drinking. You won't say things to people that you don't mean, you won't do things that make you ashamed.
3) Your self-esteem
You seem pretty down on yourself. You live a lot in the past, especially in your mistakes.
You are young. You have all the time in the world to have new experiences. You need to step up and make the decision to change things now. Not tomorrow, not a week from now. Decide to do only things that will make you happier with yourself as a person. If you can, do some volunteer work. Pick up a hobby. Make someone feel good. Make yourself feel good!
You can't erase the past, but you can change your future.
Also, you mention that guys like you even though you're "not pretty". Personality counts for a whole lot. If you've got that and brains going for you, you've got more than 99% of those super-pretty girls. Decent guys like girls for who they are. If they like you, you must be a pretty special person!
4) Moving.
It sounds to me like your mother was trying to save you from yourself. She was a bit drastic in the way she did things, (understatement of the year) but she had the best of intentions.
If you had a daughter who was drinking, doing drugs, being promiscuous, and who was unhappy because of all of this, would you just stand by and let it all happen? Of course not! You'd protect your baby.
Your mother sent you to stay with your father because she couldn't provide the supervision you needed. She was trying to remove you from your bad influences.
Take advantage of this change. You can be whoever you want to be now. Nobody needs to know your past; you've got a clean slate! This is a great opportunity for you, believe it or not.
Sorry if my thoughts were a little jumbled. If there's anything that I missed, feel free to ask for clarification!
Don't feel sad and alone. Life is always worth living. Being a teenager is awful, but things will get better from now on if you choose to make them better.
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