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She's making a mistake, should I tell her how I feel?
This is a really long story so I'll try to keep it short. Basically this girl was my best friend since I've been 4. Even though I moved away, we kept in touch and by the time I was 18 we started having real feelings for each other. So much so that she planned to come to my same college. But she ended up finding a guy who followed her down to my college town. Basically it broke my heart. Here's where it gets complicated, we kept in touch again for the past 5 years that she's been with this guy. So I'm hanging out with her and she tells me that her bf of 5 years cheated on her, and had a kid because of it. They were buying a house together, and he didn't tell her until the last second so she wouldn't have a chance to leave him. Also, I learned this was the second time he had cheated on her. Anyway, she's bound and determined to stick with this loser even though everybody around her is telling her not to. I obviously love her, she's been my best friend for 20 years, but the night I found out really cemented that in my mind. Because of this, I don't feel like I can interject my opinion on the issue because it's going to look like I'm trying to get with her again. I'm not saying that isn't in the back of my mind, it just wouldn't be ideal right now. I seriously think she's making the biggest mistake of her life, although she doesn't have much of a choice with them buying a house together. Does this seem like a mistake to other people too? Should I confront her about it? The other thing is I tolerated the guy because I knew that he'd have to be apart of my life if I was still friends with her, but I can't even respect him anymore. So I don't even know if I can go visit her anymore and hang around him. Also, should I tell her that I still have "those kind" of feelings for her? I know she feels the same because she says she loves me all the time, it's just not romantically or whatever. I'm just confused.
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No doubt about it. You're friend is making a huge mistake. Unfortunately, its hers to make. As much as you want to butt in (because you care), you've made the right choice thus far by keeping your harsher opinions to yourself. Since she is your best friend, you realize that you'll have to live with whoever she lives with, and any tension between you and that other person means tension between you and her. She's obviously aware of her mistakes, as she did confide in you. But if she really wanted to be free of this man, she'd do it. As much as it pains you, if you really care for this woman, you need to stand back and let her make her own mistakes. If she asks your opinion, fine, be honest and tell her what you think of the situation, but then leave it at that. Don't beat it into the ground and don't keep bringing it up. It could drive her away, and at this stage in her life it sounds as if she's going to need a good friend to help her through. You can support her decisions without approving of them - it means being a good listener and giving honest (gentle) responses. As for your romantic feelings, I don't suggest revealing those to her as long as she's in a relationship. She sounds like she's already having a difficult time. Dealing with the romantic feelings of someone she's considered a "friend" for 20 years will only complicate things. I don't think that would be helping right now. Besides, what would you hope to accomplish by doing that? You hope to hear from her that she feels the same? Then why is she giving her life to such a loser? You hope she says she's always felt the same and dumps the guy to be with you? Then you're stuck with a girl who hasn't even the confidence or self-esteem to live without a man. Hopping out of one relationship immediately and directly into another is not the sign of someone who is stable or dependable. As much as you love her, as hard as it is, the best (and most caring) thing to do is step back, be there to listen and support her, and keep your opinions to yourself unless asked. Hopefully she'll come around soon and realize what a waste of her energy this guy is and see what a catch she has in you. Until then (or if she never does) you need to work on developing relationships with other women who can appreciate a caring loyal guy like yourself.
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