|
Are you smart? Could you please Critique my Essay?
So I wrote my essay.. Will you critique it for me please?
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Thanks! : )
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Miscellaneous category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Spirituality?
this is rough, please don't cry. if it helps, I love you.
first paragraph, where is your thesis statement? is the whole damn paragraph the thesis statement?
good points, but there needs to be one sentence that brings it all together. and I hope its not the first sentence, because that would be a very weak one. don't use "because" to start a sentence, its what a knuckle dragger would use.
take out "probably a little bit" from the last sentence, and the second paragraph would be good, you're supposed to come off as an opinionated dick when you're writing essays
good quote usage, but thoreau is still a pansy.
ah! we finally get to the essay question that was supposed to be in the first paragraph! But its in the third! fix it.
jesus, that whole paragraph was one question and one long ass quote.
I dunno where your fourth paragraph is going, trees are plants, plants don't speak english, or even anything above basic pheremone transmission, and I'm sure my dog wouldn't have anything brilliant to say.
there's this thing called a Tab button, consider using it at the beginning of a paragraph.
You're starting off all of your quotes with the same statement "in his essay". change it up a bit.
You're bullshitting most of these paragraphs away. is there a required amount of words? is that why I have yet to see a point or structure to this paper?
"We have become very destructively anthropocentric; we absolutely must, if we are to survive as a species, concern ourselves with the entire web of life." THIS IS A THESIS STATEMENT, HOW MANY IS THIS THING GOING TO HAVE?
"So you see, it’s all about where we draw the lines…" what the hell is this? delete it if you don't want to fail.
"We need to restore our childlike sense of wonder. The beautiful, strange world around us never left; we just stopped seeing it for what it really is. When we were first born we didn’t know the difference between a ‘this’ and a ‘that’. There are no lines in the life of the very young child, that’s why they stick worms and shoe polish in their mouths. As a new member of the world there was no physical biological dot dot dot borderline between your hand and your arm. Someone taught you where to draw the line; where the division was to be made."
this should have been your first paragraph. in fact this is the first paragraph where I haven't felt like shoving my mouse into my ass and hitting myself in the face with the keyboard.
you are using way too many "we"s and "You"s. cease and desist. its an essay. you don't use shit like that.
"boarders" either you have people living in your house as renters, which makes no sense in the context, or you need to use SPELLCHECK!
" — WE set up? YOU set up?"
drugs are bad, thats all I'm going to say about the end of this paragraph.
look, I can tell this is a sociology paper, but your lacking in sociology terms like "cultural norms". you're taking a hundred words to describe the fucking concept of cultural norms. jesus, its like you straight up forgot the concept and you're just pulling something exactly like it off the top of your head in a heroin induced frolic. I got through about thirty percent of the paper and wanted to lay down a tarp in preparation for the mess I'd make by committing Hari kiri. it lacks structure, terminology, and worst of all: a point.
I'm sorry I'm being so rough, but it takes an asshole to get shit fixed. there's obvious effort in the attempt, next time, draw up a rough outline of where you want to go with the paper, a road map if you will, instead of doing it by stream of consciousness.
I don't want you to fail, you've got a good head on your shoulders.
good luck.
-gunner
]
I read your paper and it was very riveting and informative. You obviously put a lot of work into this, and it paid off.
"We would be wise to choose a moderate course when making use of the Earth that supports us both in body and mind. Because we live on a planet with finite resources and an ever increasing population, it clearly makes sense to stop using more than we need and to stop producing more people than the earth can comfortably support. As the physics law of the Conservation of Energy (the first law of thermodynamics) tells us, this is where we will always be; even Heaven is within the system of everything. Our choices now affect all that is and all that ever will be, as all that ever will be is already here (in one form or another). Because we ultimately don't know what the true nature of reality is it is safest to live a life of moderation, and moderation is what we and the planet need."
From this thesis, I am asking what was the point you're trying to bring for the rest of the essay?
Your references are well. I ask what citation style did you use? Very different.
Your comments I'd agree with. It was very interesting to read and gave you a new perspective on life.
For the differences in formatting, is that part of the citing style or is this a draft?
I like the biblical passages as well. I love those.
You did wonderfully on your paper. If I were your Professor, I would definitely give you an A!
Good luck on the paper.
]
That essay was great you did a great job of listing refrences and inserting biblical sections to go with your topic.theres nothing to correct on it thats why this is a short reply.
]
More Questions: |