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I will start off by saying thanks for the advice. I understand how you feel and why you feel the way you do. I also feel this way sometimes, and I stress SOMETIMES. I do know that she fell out of love with me before she cheated, and I also know why she fell out of love with me. I know that it wasn’t my fault. Her expectations of marriage were different than mine. She believed that marriage was supposed to always be like it is in the beginning of the relationship; with the butterflies and sparks, etc. She also is the type of person that never wanted to talk about problems she was having. She would just keep things bottled inside and act like everything was ok. She is very non confrontational. So when she started having problems with the marriage, she never talked to me about it to try and fix it. All I was saying is that even though I know it wasn’t my fault, I still am hard on myself. It’s just the type of person I am. I am a perfectionist. Whatever I do, I must be the absolute best at. Now I thought I was the best husband (because I never heard any complaints from her) She used to brag to me to all of her friends, so I always was very proud to be who I was. Now after I discovered the affair we talked about where things went wrong and why she did it, I realized that I wasn’t perfect. There were some things that I should have done different. I am not condoning what she did, and I’m not placing the blame on only myself. I’m just saying I know that I can be a better husband than I was before. She also doesn’t blame me AT ALL. She realizes that she is the one who was unfaithful and hates herself for it.
As far as trust is concerned, of course I do not trust her right now, and she doesn’t expect me to. We both know that it will take a very long time for that to come back, and she knows that she is going to have to earn it. I won’t continue to stay in this marriage if I sense things are either getting worse, or not improving at all. I won’t be walked on, and my wife knows this. The reason that I have stayed so far, is because I love my wife with all of my heart. Despite all of this, I know she is genuinely a good person. She is going through a time of her life where she is really discovering who she is and what she wants in life. We were married very young, and she has changed a lot in the last year or so. I haven’t changed because my goals and expectations are still the same. I still want the same things I have always wanted. And I have all of those things right now, which is why I am not giving up on our marriage. My wife made a mistake. Yeah it was a HUGE one, but I do believe in second chances, and if she really wants this to work, and give me a second chance on being a better husband, than I will give her another chance also.
Now the only problem is this, I am not exactly sure what she wants. And that’s mainly because I don’t think even she knows what she wants, since she is changing and becoming more independent and growing up so to speak. (We are both 25) When she cheated on me, she immediately thought that our marriage was over. I told her it would be if she ever cheated on me and vice versa. She never in a million years expected me to forgive her. This threw her way off guard and really messed with her head, because she had already given up on the marriage. She thinks that there is no recovering from this. AND THIS IS WHY SHE WON’T COMMIT 100% YET. She doesn’t want to go through life miserable trying her hardest every day to make this work. Now I don’t believe this. I think it can get better, and she can love me again, and we can get back to the way things used to be; maybe even better since we would have gone through a crisis together and survived. These are the things I have been telling her, and why I came to you for advice. How do I become the man she once loved, and get her to fall back in love with me? I do believe that people fall in and out of love. There are no guarantees. Tomorrow I might meet another woman and fall in love. I could change. All I know is that right now, I love my wife very much, and I am not going to lose her without a fight. I will exhaust all options before I say it’s over. She is a great woman, and a very important part of my life. She just became week, and this guy took advantage of her. BTW, I know this guy is a complete lowlife for doing what he did. And I didn’t mean I think he is superman. I was using that as a metaphor for what she seen in him. Since the relationship between them was very new and fresh, she hadn’t yet seen any of his flaws, or bad qualities. He was perfect. Hence, Superman. So I hope that cleared some things up. If you have any more questions feel free to ask. I am willing to hear whatever you have to say.
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I don't have any other questions.. I did see this question earier this week and I didn't answer it because I feel like many of the subjects you have addressed have been previously discussed.. After you told me you had already been trying, I came to the conclusion that she just does not want this anymore... I understood the superman metaphor which is why I said he is in a wheelchair now.. what I was saying to you is this, she may not see his flaws now but eventually she will see his flaws as he develops new ones... if you have the energy to fight, do it. I wouldn't personally... I wouldn't keep stretching out my hand to be slapped and not held. To each it's own. I wish you the best of luck and I do encourage counseling...
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