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Like I said before it is a very complicated situation, and I’ll only told you some of it. The affair started as a friendship (like most do) and elevated very quickly. I think a big factor in that was he was leaving for Iraq for 6 months. It became physical between them only a few days before he left. She was sad to be losing him as a friend, and that’s how it happened. So besides the couple of days before he left, the affair was mainly through email, and messengers. Well I discovered this and flipped out. We then decided to try and make it work. Well after 2 weeks of me putting in all the work, she was still very emotionally distant from me; acting the same way as before I discovered the affair. Well I suspected she was still talking to him, and I was right. I guess she felt so horrible for breaking my heart but since she was in love with him, felt bad for breaking his heart also. She emailed him to make sure that he was doing ok, and that’s how they started talking again. Well, after I found out about this I was furious. I told her it was over and that I never wanted to see her again. I also said some very horrible things to her, some things that I am not proud of. But I know it was the anger talking. Anyway after the dust settled I realized that I still didn’t want to lose her. I love her way to much. So I took some personal time and went home to visit some family. After a couple of days she called me and told me she loved me and wanted to be with me. She ended it with the guy for the second time and told him that we were gonna work on us. So I came home. We made up, made love, and had a great couple of days where things seemed to be getting better. She finally started to give me the things I was constantly nagging her about. But that only lasted for 3 days. You see ever since I first found out I had to constantly tell her that I needed reassurances, and for her to show me love and affection. I needed to be convinced that she loved me and wanted to be with me. I need to be needed and appreciated. I was very insecure and still am. You were very right when you said that I have very low self esteem right now. I always thought I was this great husband. For almost 7 years we have never had any problems. We never argued, and I always treated her like a queen, and vice versa. She used to brag about me to all of her friends about how great I was. Everyone was so jealous of our relationship and the way I treated her. But anyways she wasn’t trying very hard to make me happy. I was actually fighting for her, and I wasn’t even the one that was unfaithful. I finally got fed up with all the B.S. and told her I think it would be best if she left. So she did, and assumed that our marriage was over so started talking to him again. I immediately regretted telling her to leave. The next day I told her I was sorry for that, and asked her to come home. I told her that I loved her and never wanted to be without her. She said that she wasn’t ready to come back yet and stayed away for about a week. This is when she finally had the courage to tell me that she wasn’t in love with me anymore. One thing worth mentioning is we have always been dependent on each other. She needed me in her life and I needed her. So while she was gone she also discovered that she COULD make it on her own as a single mother and that she didn’t NEED a man in her life. She became much more independent. I guess this is a good thing for her but it doesn’t make me feel good about myself. I am the type of person that needs to be needed. It makes me feel special that someone needs me. So she finally came home and told me that she is really ready to try to fix our marriage, and broke it off for hopefully the last time with the other guy. I do think that it is over between them now. I now have the challenge of getting her to fall in love with me. It is very hard because she sees all of my negative qualities and flaws. These things are on the surface and when she looks at me, this is what she sees. On the other hand, this other guy is superman. She sees no negative qualities in him, and doesn’t see his flaws. Which is why she fell out of love with me, and in love with him. I have to replace all the negative thoughts about me with positive ones. As far as “What she wants,” I don’t really know. I think she wants our marriage to work, I just don’t think she believes it can. She gave up from the beginning which is why she wasn’t trying very hard. I know this will be a slow process, but I am very determined to win her back. Anyways, I’m sorry for rambling, but it does help to talk about it. What do you think?
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I am not going to go much into detail regarding the relationship itself beccause I think we have already addressed it. There is an area that we didn't go into that I would like to discuss upon.. trust. Adultery is a hell of a thing to overcome and conquer. To be honest with you, the problem isn't you, it's her. My husband committed adultery on me with someone he didn't even know upon meeting her and it went on for a year before I even knew it. I found out by investigating and contacting the woman myself and she told everything. IF a person hasn't changed completely, they will do it again. I SEE your rambling as unresolved issues with yourself and issues of confussion for taking her back so soon. I did the same thing and the problem with it was that he kept doing it until I finally stopped all communications, divorced him and had no contact with him for 2 years. He is now a Deacon, and has completely changed his life and decided to love me back and fall in love with me again, as I did towards him too. It is a slow process.
You 2 have more issues going on extending past communication factors and it isn't going to happen overnight. She fell out of love before you knew it. If a person is in love they will not commit adultery or even deal with the opposite sex period. I do not believe in opposite sex friendships because BS always comes out of it unless someone is gay. So, don't think she fell out of love when she started seeing this other man, it was before then which lead her to act upon it. If she is so easy to fall in and out of love changed are she will do it again but with someone different.Now, what if he weren't leaving the states, would she want to be with you and be faithful to you? Your honest opinion. Always be honest to yourself so that you know what to do and provide peace within yourself.I am encouraging you to stop focusing on potential and could be's of your marriage and focus on what it is period.. You know what the deal is and you are in some type of denial.. why? Love does not hurt. Love isn't deceitful or manipulitive. It is faithful and understanding.
Yes, he has flaws, you have flaws, she has flaws and so do I. No one is perfect and if they claim to be, they are liars. There is a book called when your lover doesn't love you back. I went through so much crap in my marriage trying to save it before I realized I was losing myself. You must rise above all of this and get busy. If you invite her out and she says no, go somewhere by yourself to think and meditate. Cry if you need to, but don't let her see you at a weak point because she is already thinking you are weak for taking her back so soon.
She knows you have self esteem issues and is going to play that to her advantage. I used to be her at a point of my life. I was married before and I did the same thing to him all the time.. I finally ended up divorcing him for the love of my life and highschool sweetheart, who hurt me for over 18 years of my life. The grass isn't greener on the other side, and it takes women a hard bump on the ass the realize that. I don't trust my husband completely as I should now, but I am trying hard and he is too. It is a life long process and if she isn't willing to put in the work, what do you have to work on? How does she feel about you? NOT your assets, or what you can do for her, but YOU period??
WHAT SENSE does it make to think you have to win your WIFE back. She isn't your girlfriend, but acts like a girlfriend and not a wife. How long are you going to be walked on and over? seriously.. I commend you for working your marriage out and I encourage it but NOT at your expense only. You aren't married to yourself.
I can say start at the beginning, but if she is already at the finish line, there is no beginning. What is she saying? What are her signals and what are you doing with her signals and words? My X husband was like you and it got to the point that he pushed me away due to his consistency and I wanted no contact with him. I eventually divorced him without realizing that I was leaving him for a man who would dog me with ANY woman, beat me, lie to me, use me, not help me with the kids, or anything.... he didn't want me but didn't want me to have anyone else. Are you in this type of situation? If so the hell with that.. Be happy... Forget the negative qualities she sees, what do you see? Are there things you can change, if so, what are they? Listen,Superman is in a wheelchair, so what does that tell you? If she sees him as superman and thinks he is so much better than you, let her have him and see how he really is. He messed around with a married woman, so that tells me what type of person he is already! He has no morals. She may need to find that out for herself. Sometimes, you must let something go in order to come back to you (but you accept on your terms, time frames, and conditions).
Stop blaming yourself because of her jacked up decisions to commit adultery... she did it because she wanted to do it. If she isn't taking that responsibility of her wrong actions, decisions, thoughts and choices, I would question if I wanted to be in that marriage. She has to deal with that choice, not you or your children.
You seem like a nice, caring, strong man who is allowing a woman and her selfish actions make him weak.Claim who you are back as a person, most importantly as a man. You are a man! Ask her what she wants, don't drag it out and then before you know it you are married for 20 years and not happy and still being cheated on! Do you think it's worth it just to say you are married. If God sends you a wife, she isn't going to do BS like that because it is not of God. Do you two go to church? Do you pray together? Spend time together. I am sorry this is so long but it is important and I want you to know it. Marriage consists of the following realms: Physical, Mental, Communicational, Spiritual, Emotional and Sexual. If there is a gap in any one area, without God in the center, your marriage has failed. Where are you two in your marriage? Do you lack any of these areas? These are basic building points.
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