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humorist-workshop
More advice
Hey thanks for the advice. But I also have a few more questions I would like to ask, and since you've been there maybe you can help. This is a very very long story, so I will give you a brief summary of what has happened so far. We’ve been married almost 6 years now. Everything was going perfect until about 2 months ago. After our child the spark started to go away, and she also started to dislike some of my qualities. For instance, not helping out as much with our child, and not showing her enough attention, etc. This really was starting to bother her, and the little things she wished I was doing started to add up. She then had an emotional affair with a guy at work. It escalated to a physical attraction, which lead to some fooling around. As far as she says, they never slept together, but it got pretty close. I believe her. Anyways, she fell in love with him. I discovered the affair only about 2 weeks into it; partly because I can read my wife like a book. Ever since then we have been having problems. I told her I realized that I made some mistakes, and I told her that I still love her more than words can describe and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make our marriage work. She finally came clean and told me that she was no longer “in love” with me. And for a month and a half I have been trying so hard to make this work. I have been doing all the things she wished I was doing. Asking her to lunch, cleaning, cooking her dinner, helping out with our daughter, and so on. I actually went above and beyond. She on the other hand hasn’t been trying to make it work. I think she gave up because she doesn’t believe we can ever get better. She doesn’t have faith. She left this last week to clear her head to try and figure out what she wanted. She came home the other day and told me that she wanted to make it work, even though I know she’s not 100% sure. She has been fighting this decision ever since the affair. I’ll say that we have almost broken up several times since then. I have also been maybe a little too aggressive. Constantly talking about it, and being very desperate, which ultimately pushed her further away. I couldn’t help it though. I love her so much and I don’t want to lose her. I tried to change, I actually did, but she feels that I’m forcing it so it’s not helping. You said to start going on dates and being more romantic. But I have tried that, and it’s still not getting through. I think a big part of that is because she never really thought it could work. She gave up. Now the situation is, she moved back and told me she is ready to try. I now have to make her fall in love with me again. I believe this is very possible, and I also believe IF we get through this, we will be better and stronger in the long run. I just don’t know how. People say to become the man that she originally fell in love with, but that was 7 years ago, and I don’t know how I differ now from the man I was. I don’t feel different. I still love her the same, if not more. You said to do the opposite of what pushed her away to pull her closer to you. Well, I have been trying that, but it hasn’t worked so far. Do I just keep at it? I know I can’t make someone fall in love with me, but she was once before, so I’m not giving up. I don’t want to lose her. Any advice?
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Yes, I do have some advice and it is going to be straight different than you would expect. You have stated that you have been trying and she has been basically rejecting you. Now, since that is the case, here is the suggestion that I have. You don't sound like you have much confidence in yourself. I get a vibe as if you have low self esteem. I have been through adultery before and that doesn't help with either area. So,you must take control over your marriage. How? Prepare dinner (a late one when the kids are sleep) light some candles, and tell her what you want. Take charge and ask her what she wants. If someone tells you they want their marriage then they are going to meet you half way, and accept you and your efforts while making them too. IF SHE STILL ACTS LIKE SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU OR THIS MARRIAGE: Do not allow yourself to be used. Seriously.. I wasn't aware that you had been trying so hard. It flat out pisses me off to know that you have been trying and getting ignored or played to the left so to speak - I have been there too on both sides of it, and it hurts. Make this a point to be your VERY LAST effort. I understand that you don't want to lose her but if she wants you to get lost, it's time. You can lead a horse to water but you can not force it to drink.
At dinner, let her talk too and listen closely to what she is saying verbally and her body language too so that you know where it is all heading. I encourage the both of you go to marrital counseling. Also I am recommending 2 books (female and male version) called the 5 languages of love. These are spiritual marrital counseling books that helped my husband and I so much.
For some reason, when women have kids, we feel the attention shift and causes us to feel unwanted or unneeded by the man. We require so much attention, and love more than men actually because we are such gentle creatures.. sounds weak but it's true... You may have slacked in some areas (cleaning, cooking, making love, walks, talks, expressions of love beyond verbal), and you have to rekindle this and connect with your wife. Are you sure that this affair thing is over with? Sometimes women look out of the corner of our eyes because we know what we have done. Let her know that she can trust you and that you aren't on some revenge tip... ASK her what her needs are, and if you can provide them do it, if you can't provide them, say it... do you guys have a median or is it her way or the highway (vice versa)?? There has to be some common mutual ground for both of you so that you will meet up in the middle. It seems like you guys have passed eachother up so you BOTH must turn around and meet up in the middle unless she wants to keep on pushin' up the road. I know what you want, but what does she want? Let's start there first...
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