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Advice
You replied to my post so I wanted to ask some more questions. Since this is just to you I will be more detailed and sorry in advance cause I know this will be long. Please read cause I need the help. My wife had an emotional affair with a man that she worked with. They fooled around a little bit one night, but they did not sleep together. I believe my wife, for a many certain reasons. The day after they fooled around he left for Iraq for 6 months, which may have had a lot to do with the affair. They were close friends and he was leaving, blah, blah. I caught them talking through a messenger online, and confronted her about it. She told me after a lot of conversation that she felt horrible, and we decided we wanted to make it work. I know why she had the affair. It had a lot to do with us not spending a lot of alone time together. I was working night shift and her days. We didn’t really go out on dates or things of that nature. I was neglecting my family. Not on purpose, because I had no choice because of my job. I however was very comfortable in the marriage. I like the routine. It gives me a sense of security. When things start happening abnormally, I get flustered and start to panic. So I was under the impression that we had a good healthy marriage. I never saw this coming. We had such a good relationship. I never had a bad thing to say about her, and same with her. She used to brag to all of her friends on all the nice things I would do for her. (Clean the house, cook dinner for her, bring her chocolate, etc.) All of her friends were so jealous because we were so happy together. Anyways, 2 weeks go by and she is still very emotionally distant with me. She wasn’t hugging me, or telling me she loved me, or showing any affection. I was doing all of those things. I was trying to show her I realized that I had also made some mistakes, and was willing to do whatever it took to make my marriage work. Now here is the kicker. She fell in love with the other guy, and he supposedly feel in love with my wife. She had a hard time letting go. She felt bad for hurting me, and then felt bad for hurting him when she told him she couldn’t talk to him anymore and that she was going to work on her marriage. Well she eventually started talking to him again online. I once again caught her and it was Déjà vu. It was 2 weeks to the day from the first time I found out. I was furious. I was screaming and yelling at her and saying horrible things. I told her it was over and I never wanted to see her again. But after the dust settled I was in the same boat as before. I love my wife more than any words can describe. I do not want to lose her. She told me that she wanted to separate and figure some stuff out. She cut off all contact with the other guy and I left the house to go and stay with some family for a while. This was her time to be alone and figure out what she wanted. 3 days went by and she called me and said she loved me and wanted to make it work. I came home and we made love and had a great couple of days. One thing you should know is during all of this she had never opened up to me. Never showed me love/affection (besides the time we made love), or doing nice things for me. I was the one fighting for her, even though she made the mistake. I could tell she was unhappy but it was like talking to a wall. She wouldn’t open up to me and tell me how she was feeling, I guess out of fear of hurting me anymore. I was giving our marriage 110% effort, but she had given up. I kept trying to talk to her about it. I wasn’t throwing what she did in her face; I was just stressing my needs. In order for me to continue to work on the marriage, I needed some reassurances. I was very insecure that I wasn’t good enough, and she was going to hurt me again. I kept telling her that regardless of what she was going through or how she was feeling, that she needed to start expressing her love to me. After a couple more weeks of me constantly nagging her and ultimately pushing her farther away, I became unhappy. So I asked her to leave. I immediately regretted it. I told her the following day that I was sorry, and that I didn’t want to lose her. She however was under the impression that our marriage had ended the second she walked out the door. I finally got her to tell me exactly what she was thinking and it was this. She fell out of love with me. She doesn’t believe that we could ever get through what she did. She has no faith that we can get better. So she gave up. I believe that we can get through it, and also when we do, we will be stronger and have an even bigger bond than before. She doesn’t want to stay with me because: It’s easier, out of obligation, for our daughter, other things of that nature. She wants to stay with me only; if she is 100% sure that’s what she wants. I told her that she will regret leaving me, because we both know that she never really tried to make it work. She is pessimistic that our marriage could ever recover. She doesn’t want to try and it not work, because she would just be hurting me more. I understand that. Well that’s basically what’s going on right now. I am waiting for her to make up her mind. If you have any advice on what I should do, please help. I am desperate to get her back.
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This all sounds so familiar to me. Its not EVEN funny! We are making it work though so with luck I can help.
You are going to have to talk. Serious talk. Start by writing (typing) a very long letter telling her how you feel about everything. Encourage her to do the same. Then get together and read each others letters. Then talk.
You need to tell her how this has hurt you. How you want to change things to make them better. How you love her in spite of anything she has done. How you want it to work.
She needs to tell you what her feelings were and are too. Even if it is hurtful. Until it is all laid out there on the table, it will creep up when you don't want it to.
Get emotional if you want to. Just don't let anger rule. KNowing you will be hearing things you probably just don't want to know does help.
Once they are out there and dealt with, you can
begin to heal the relationship.
Believe me when I tell you something like this can make your relationship even stronger. I don't know why that is but it can. So long as both of you are putting effort into making it work, there is no reason why it can't.
Feel free to write and vent or ask anything you want to. I hope it works out for you. Please let me know! :)
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