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I'm terrified of my ex
Male, 20's.
No matter how long it goes between incidents where I end up seeing her, I'm still scared of my ex girlfriend, who has this nasty habit of trying to make me out to be a psycho stalker.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm running away, but at the same time, I don't want a stupid confrontation that solves nothing.
How do I stop being afraid of her, or should I just not go to the things I like because she may be there?
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Here is a trick to help you decide what to do: Do some Worse Case Scenario brainstorming to help you figure out if your fear is justifiable or just silly.
What you do, is grab a piece of paper or open a new document and start to imagine running into your ex. Write down the WORST possible thing you think could happen. Then the next worst and so on... Imagine different confrontations in different environments and how they might play out. Keeping writing down the horrible things that could happen, wrack your brain from them, until you finally get to the completely ridiculous. Writing them out is the important element here, so don’t just sit and stew about it, write it down.
For instance, I might start my list with:
She could yell and scream lies about me in front of my friends and co-workers, then hit me, I defend myself and she calls the cops and everyone blames me and I have an assault charge on my record for the rest of my life and everyone thinks I’m a violent guy and my employers think less of me and I don’t get a promotion.
And I'd end with:
She could turn into a vicious female praying mantis and rip my head off...
Some of the things on your list might be reasonable and things that might actually happen, but most of the time, when we start writing down our fears in SPECIFICS, we begin to realize most of our deepest and most frightening fears are based on FEELINGS, and not based on things that are actually likely to happen.
If the worst thing that could happen, is her hitting you for example, you have to ask yourself how likely that is to actually happen, and in asking yourself that and considering these SPECIFIC worst case scenarios, you can come up with ideas and manoeuvres before things get that out of hand to help deal with and avoid the situations.
I would never advise someone to avoid an ex forever unless they were extremely dangerous. I think that approach could seriously cheapen your life, not to mention it gives a crazy ex way too much power over your life and choices. It is important to steal yourself against REAL risks and confrontations, and not be dragged down by vague, non-specific fears.
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