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Boyfriend and porn
To start, I hate porn. A couple weeks ago my computer was messed up so I asked my boyfriend if I could use his. I didn't know what I was going to find. After confronting him about it, he promised he'd stop if it meant me staying (we have been together 3yrs, lived together 1yr). I explained how my trust took a dip and that I'd be checking the computer periodically to see if he was being honest and he was ok with that. I haven't checked the computer like I said coz I'd like to think I can trust him, until today. I noticed the last place he had been was the recycle bin, everything deleted. I restored it and found tons of porn that he's looked at since our argument. I haven't talked to him about it yet. What should I do? Btw..I'm 27 and he is soon to be 35.
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You're not going to like this answer; but you need to be more lenient. He's always at the house alone. (I'm assuming you work because you have a place together) People get horny and they want to masturbate.
He needs to listen to what you say, but just because your opinions vary, doesn't mean you should immediately dump him. You need to meet him halfway. Just because you don't like porn, doesn't mean he has to hate it too.
I agree that he shouldn't have lied to you about it or tried to cover it up by deleting it. Realistically, he shouldn't have to cover it up. It's completely normal to look at porn. Most guys do it, and even a lot of girls.
Watching porn is way different than actually having sex. You're taking it way too personally. Just because he looks at porn doesn't mean he's not attracted to you or doesn't want to have sex with you. He even said that he doesn't feel manly since losing his job and it's hard for him to have sex. That shows a lot of humility and honesty. It's probably hard for him to admit that.
You don't need to be monitoring his computer like a mother or 50 year old woman with too much time on her hands would.
Stop trying to control his urges. It's just going to make it harder for him to have sex with you.
Tell him that you don't have a problem with him looking at porn, but that it hurts your feelings that he's doing that every day and he won't even have sex with you.
And if you don't want to tell him that because you don't feel that, you're relationship is headed nowhere fast. If you are seriously wanting to move out because he looks at porn, you'll never last.
Tell him that you would like to try to spice up your sex life. Try to make him feel manly by complimenting him when you have sex. Surely he'll get back to the hang of things and realise that being a participant is much better than being an observer.
Darby
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Guys need to jack off. Guys don't like to jack off to the same person twice. Get used to the porn or become a lesbian, because no guy will meet your expectations.
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You are absolutely entitled to your opinion.
He is EQUALLY entitled to his own.
Although it was wrong of him to lie, he probably did the most respectful thing he could when you threatened to leave him over something perfectly legal, that he does privately in his own home.
He wanted you to be happy, and not to have to fight for the fact his opinion happened to be different than yours. Lying certainly wasn’t the best thing he could have done, if he wanted to continue to watch porn he should have stood up for himself and his opinion of it.
If you love and respect this man, you MUST stop assuming the worse of him! He lost his job. He is stressed the hell out. He is probably miserable and bored to death. He isn't looking at porn to see 'what else is out there’; most pornography is all the same looking! He is wanking off to images because it’s something to do that feels good and is cheep and distracting. It takes less emotional commitment, because he is emotionally strung out and stunted. Stressed out people don’t turn to porn because it’s better than real people, they turn to it because they can’t disappoint porn, or be unworthy of porn, or fail porn, or make porn unhappy, or argue with porn. If you have nothing nice to say, because you feel like shit, porn doesn’t care. Porn doesn’t give a damn if you forgot to shower, or if you are unemployed, or if you lied about your porn habits, AND PORN ISN’T THE CAUSE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS, IT IS A SYMPTOM. A symptom of his stress, insecurities and the unhappiness of both of you.
If you want to break up with him because he thinks porn is acceptable and you don’t, go ahead. But if you want to stay with him, put your disagreement and anger over pornography on the back burner and speak with him about your relationship, the changes that have happened in his life and yours sex life, and the stress he is experiencing. Share your own disappoint and unhappiness but be respectful and supportive of any effort he is making to improve things. The conversation about porn can wait. Right now this very unhappy man could use some support and respect, if you love him enough to offer it.
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