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i feel like a terrible friend
i have this friend, N. shes on medication for depression and goes to see a theropist once every week or something. her mom is an alcoholic, and that being said, N drinks and smokes pot mostly because her mom wouldnt like it. her mom also emotionally abuses her and yells at her all the time, and their level of communication is -10. N sometimes gets on my nerves, for instance: she'll call herself a junkie because she took a sleeping pill and liked the effect. she'll call herself a stoner because she'd smoke a little weed every night for a week and get kind of high, and actually thinks shes addicted to it. and she'll call herself a slut just because she made out with someone she wasnt dating. she tries to be all these things that shes not, just to get on her moms nerves, or just to go against her wishes.
and usually when she does this, im very cold to her and give her short replies to her questions and stay mad at her for a while.
well, tonight, i guess it all broke loose. she took 5 shots earlier before going to church to see her best friend, S. S and N have been best friends for a long time, and they both come from disfunctional families and get along great and always have fun together. N's mom doesnt like S because she thinks shes a bad influence on her daughter, and therefore wont N see her. N has been upset about this for a long time, and her relationship with S has gone down the drain because of it. they still talk, but they arent best friends anymore. N had a fight with her mom earlier and texted me about it and i was still mad at her from something stupid she said earlier, so i wasnt there for her when things were going bad. next thing i know, N is texting me, telling me "goodbye" and saying she loves me and that shes sorry for everything. we had just started texting, so i was confused as to why she wanted to say bye...
i called her up and she was bawling her eyes out and was about to kill herself. i offered to ask my parents to come and get her, but she said it'd just make things worse with her mom. i didnt know what else to do! i couldnt give her any advice, and my mind just went blank. all i could tell her was to not do anything she'd regret, and that i love her. i made her promise she wouldnt OD on anything, and we hung up. ive been kicking myself in the ass for this for hours. i dont know what else to do.
what can i say to make her feel better? all her friendships have gone to hell because of her mom and her mom is ruining her life and i dont know what to do or say to make her feel better. i just feel like a bad friend because friends are supposed to help eachother, but i cant help her! what do i do?!?!?
*sorry this is so long, but it was a long story..
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Don't panic!
that's number one.
it sounds like she needs some serious help. don't kick yourself. you have a couple options.
1. talk to your guidance teacher at your school and then talk to your friend about going to see him/her
2. comfort her just say soothing things and tell her the bad image she makes herself look.
3. don't get mad at her. she really needs help i know it might be hard but you have to feel sorry for her instead.
4. and it is important to not get to mixed up in this mess with her mom and her. don't let her mom hurt your friendship though.
5. talk to her about calling herself these things and how bad it is. tell her of a good future the future she will have if she stops all her bad habits and becomes a good person, maybe suggest donating to a charity for people in her position?
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your being a friend but she in a bad invirement well her mom does sound abusive its not your friends falt that she like that her mom abusing her so she taking it out on drugs and its not good for her to see her mom doing bad things ether my mother pop pills she didnt get any were in life all she would do is lay on the couch ontil she needed more drugs. what you can do it get in touch with family sevices and tell them if you dont wnt your friend to have a bad life and she goingto ingore you. you gotta do it your self if you dont do somthing now it will efect her life her career her friendship everthing. tell her look around do you want to graduated do you want to have a good life you dont have to live your live this way in trash you can change tell her this wil work but if it dosnt have you mom and you go to social services your mom can adopt your friend because social servie will not let her life be this way you got to make it better some times it takes a friend.its for her own good my life wsnt that great ether my sister and my mom did drugs i got out of my family life I dont talk to them I moved becuse i dont want to do that my mother died a 2 years ago from over doesing on drugs i had a daughter at 20 so i gav her to a family you ca change your life all it take is one person get up and do it ok.
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It sounds like your friend is crying out for attention and not finding it anywhere. It can be annoying when she's saying those things, that's totally reasonable to think that. It probably sounds to you like she's bragging. It sounds like she's cutting herself down in order to get attention. "If people think I'm a slut, a stoner, a junkie, they'll see how much personal turmoil I'm in and someone will help me. Someone will see what's going on and be there for me."
I really think the biggest thing your friend needs right now is a friend. Her confidence is obviously very low and her home life is getting to her. The next time she says she's a junkie or a slut say, "N, I really don't like when you say things like that. Don't cut yourself down that way because you're better than that." As the person below me said, make sure you let her know that you don't like that she's doing drugs.
Tell her that you are there for her no matter what, that she can talk to you whenever she wants, and that you believe things will get better. You need to stay strong and positive for your friend's sake.
You didn't mention her mother saying that she wasn't allowed to hang out with you. If she is allowed to hang out with you, plan a sleepover. Watch some movies, pig out, laugh and gossip. All the things normal teenagers do. (I'm assuming you're in your teen years.)
Doing this will make her feel like there is some calm in her life. You need to be the calm rock for her. Someone that is stable that she can come to for support. You'll see her reciprocating the same acts. She'll start being there for you more and wanting you to share your problems with her too.
Hope this helps, and don't beat yourself up too badly. Understanding why she's saying these things will make them seem much less annoying.
Darby(:
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I would say she's acting out in rebellion against her mom, well obviously, but anyways. What she really needs right now is a parent figure. As her friend you have the ability to do it. By calling herself a slut, addict, etc. she's trying to get attention possibly attention she feels like she isn't getting at home. Just ignoring her when she acts like this is better for her as it doesn't reinforce her desire to grab attention by downplaying her own character. Support her, let her know that you're there for her, and most of all let her know that you don't support a lot of the things she does. Compliments will go a long way to boost her self esteem. I have a good idea about what age you guys are and I have to say it's a fairly normal phase. Emotions run wild and people look for outlets in every way possible. Just stay positive with her and don't let her beat herself up too much. It will get better in a few years.
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