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holding him back
I really love my boyfriend, I really do. I care about him so much... But, I've noticed that we have different future plans. And all he talks about, is being together for the longest time. He says he wants to marry me, and I'm the only person he wants to have a family with. Honestly, that sounds pretty good to me. But, later on... I asked him what he wanted to do with his life in the future. He wants to go to a college in New York, with his music. And me, I want to stay where I am for a while and move out when I'm around 20 - 22 years old, and maybe try to study in California or abroad. When I told him that, he started crying... He said he didn't want to go to New York anymore, and he wanted to be where ever I was. He said I was worth his life if we ever broken up, "I didn't know what was the meaning of happiness, until I got it, I don't want to lose it". He had the most amazing plans ever, he wanted to be a great musician and play in New York. But he gave up on all of that, just to be with me. I don't think I'm worth all of that, he said it was okay... Because he would also like to be a band director and it's still something he loves to do. I feel like he deserves the best, and I'm the one holding him back from it all. What should I do?
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You should have a serious discussion with him about your options in a long distance relationship vs. his options for what kind of schools he would want to go to in your area.
Tell him that you would hate to see him pass up these opportunities - that that would make you feel... however you are feeling. Tell him that you guys can still be together if he moves away.
I don't know how far New York City is from you, but I know that you can get bus rides to it from practically anywhere for a dollar, if you book enough days in advance. University also usually has long holidays and opportunities like exchange (so you guys could potentially go somewhere abroad in the same area, or where each other lives). Tell him that he is thinking too black and white. In his head, either he gives up all of his opportunities and stays with you or you guys break up, and this is totally not true. I know of two couples off the top of my head that went to separate cities for university several hours away and then got married. He shouldn't feel like if he chooses to follow his goals, he is giving up you.
After this discussion, try to pry from him his opportunities staying where you are. Depending on where you live, there may be a good music school not too far away... but if there is absolutely nothing available to him, he needs to know this, too.
Lastly, try to communicate with him how sure you are with your own plans. I'm not saying change your own plans because of him, but in the case you are not totally sure what you are doing, if you didn't give him a sense of that he could be sacrificing all this to be in a place where you may or may not be living in future.
If his decision does not change, try not to feel guilty. Remember that ultimately it was/is his choice, and you should feel proud that you did not go out trying to manipulate his choice in any way. Regardless of what happens, try to think of not how you could have screwed up his options, but of how happy you have made him to get him in that crazy-in-love state.
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This is a very sticky situation. You don't want to hold him back, but you don't want to lose him. And he wants to go, but he doesn't want to lose you. Sit down with him and have serious talk. Ask him what he plans on doing if/when you go to California or abroad. Does he really want to follow you and be a band director in California or in a different country? Tell him that doing his music is a once in a lifetime opportunity. (which I'm sure you already have) but it's it important to make sure that he is sure about the decisions he's making.
It all sounds nice; getting married and living happily ever after. But you're young, not even twenty years old yet. Things change in time and people take different paths. I'm not suggesting that you break things off, but at least keep your options open.
Once you have re-discussed all of this with your boyfriend, he will have a big decision to make. I'm not sure if he is older than you or the same age, but if he does end up staying and going to school where you are to be a band director, don't feel guilty. It's his decision, not yours. As long as you let him know that nothing is 100% guaranteed and that you care about him enough to let him go to do his music, you've done all you can do. And if he does stay, don't think that you're not worthy. Obviously you're worth it to him(:
Hope this helps,
Darby
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