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A Boyfriend That Won't Change..
I'm currently having a rediculously difficult time making my current boyfriend understand the huge toll past abusive relationships have taken on me. I've had a bunch of previous abusive guys in my life. Mostly family members, but also with a serious boyfriend awhile back before I started dating this current guy. I've explained how painful and difficult this issue was and still is to me while speaking with my current boyfriend. I've made it clear that sometimes I find things mean that he might not and things like that. And that he really has to watch what he says and how he treats me because of the way other guys have treated me. I've also spoken to him about how hurtful it is when he yells at me. I'm not the type of girl you have to sugarcoat everything for, but he REALLY yells sometimes. It can really scare me on some occasions. My current boyfriend has a terrible temper. There's been plenty of times when he's yelled, cursed at me, and said some terribly mean things. I don't think he'd ever hit me like past boyfriends have. But he's hurt me just as much with simply just words, ya know?
I love him. I honestly do. I mean, I'm 21 years old and have never said that to anyone. Because that's just not a phrase I throw around. But I've talked to him about how I needed to be treated better because of how my past has been numerous times. He says he understands but he never changes =( It always comes back to him yelling or saying hurtful things. Most of the time he'll even give me his so called 'warnings' like "it's in your best interest that you be quiet so I don't get pissed and yell at you." I find that so degrading.. it really upsets me. And I've talked to him about that to.
For some reason I think I deserve better =/ Even though I do love him. I just don't know how you can have someone open up to you about the hurt they've gone through with emotional/physical abuse then treat them like he has me. I mean, thank God he's never hit me. But words hurt just as much. I guess I'd just like to have an outsiders opinion. Get someone elses point of view. What do you think I should do? Stay or leave? I thought about staying. I've tried to make it work and talk to him about everything. But like I said, he'll say he gets it then turn around and not change a thing. I'd appreciate any sort of advice! Thank you so much :) So sorry this was so long too.
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Wow, this sounds disturbingly familiar. Don't worry about the length; I prefer long questions. They often give me more information and therefore more insight. =)
Everything you're feeling is absolutely valid and rational. What raises a red flag in my mind is that he "says" he gets it, but changes nothing. I don't think it's a lack of understanding. I rather think that he doesn't see how he fits in with the hurt in your past. I think he doesn't realize how he's hurting you, and I think he doesn't realize what he has to change in order to keep you in his life.
I understand that you love him, but you have to take into account what's going on right now. He's treating you like shit, he's saying degrading things to you, he yells at you, swears at you - why is he with you, if this is how he treats you? Why are you with him? Actions speak stronger than words.
You absolutely deserve better. There's hope for the two of you, but he has to come to the conclusion that he needs to change on his own. You need to give him a "change or lose me" ultimatum, and make him believe that. Let him see that if he doesn't change his ways, he will lose you. Ask him for some time apart so you can decide whether you're happier with him, or without him. You aren't trapped - you're not married to him. You can leave him, and you CAN survive alone, without a boyfriend.
Part of the problem here might be that he doesn't know how to change. Maybe you could help him find something to say instead of giving you his "warnings." How, exactly, have you been talking to him about these things? Have you explained to him how they make you feel? Does he know why they make you feel the way you do? Does he realize that you hear his "warnings" as degrading? (I do, too, by the way - you're right.) Can he come up with another way to say what he's thinking without being patronizing?
He doesn't deserve to have you if this is the way he's going to treat you.
Normally I wouldn't give a definitive answer as far as whether to stay or leave, but I believe that he needs some time away from you to realize he's been an ass. You need some time away from him to figure out if it's worth your pain.
It might be good for you to be alone for awhile and come to terms with the pain you've felt in the past so that you can move on, and have a healthy relationship with a good man.
I can't see any good coming from your situation at the moment. How can you truly love a man who treats you like the dirt on his shoe?
Please consider everything you're feeling right now. You feel this way for a reason. Figure out what it is. If you need someone to talk to or have another question, please don't hesitate to contact me here or over AIM.
-Siren
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