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I am frantic giddy idiot
I know advicenators is starting to flood with all these love questions, (let alone long entries) and I always thought I would be the ONE exception. needless to say i am not. and i am quite an idiot (bare with me you'll see how ridicules my question is and agree with me)... and i am going to ask another dumb mind-numbing and empathy-absolving question... however, I am going to make a fool out of myself to be able to establish context (so this isn't going to be easy to write, again bare with me)....
SO... i am female. 23. Never had a "real" boyfriend. you can already tell how problematic this may be to any girl at this point in life....
I've had extensive "exposure" to various guys (mostly friends, but very seldom potential lovers that never really go anywhere beyond formalities- i.e he saw me i saw him, we smiled said hi spoke for ten mins, he decided something is wrong with me and moved on)...
that said I really like this guy, but we're from different worlds. I don't necessarily belong to a certain stereotype or category of society but i do sport a brow piercing, thick brown rimmed "art" glasses, majoring in the fine arts and philosophy, and usually can be found in my favorite sneakers (ripped mind you!) and jeans. when i am on campus i am not really THAT concerned with my attire (in so far as i look decent, but still comfortable) i can't walk in heels for the life of me no matter how much i try and have a horrible hair(short)cut due to a new hairdresser's experimental inexperienced hands... (it's not too bad -it looks like two versions of katie holm's hair: a shorter and even shorter version. and it can be disguised with a LOT of time, which i'd rather devote to an art project or paper) i do dress up when i go out (and i promise i look good because i certainly attract all sorts of men) i am kind of reserved though when it comes to that because they see me all powdered up and not when and how i look on a daily basis...
i am not saying i look terrible during the day i just don't look like a conventional long-haired light make up girl... I don't shop very much (being in art puts you on a tight budget) and i don't look horrible without it.....anyway i don't know if this affects how he sees me. he's a graduate student who works at the library, so he's around 3 years older... always dressed in pants (never jeans) has his shirt tucked in his pants (not geeky, more of a professional office look). the reason i like him was because we had a couple of conversations all academia related and he really has a beautiful mind (maybe my philosophy part talking!)...
anyway, i know there is something there, at least i know he knows i like him, we always exchange looks but he breaks them, he smiles if we're face to face and he's very sweet (a reputation that others certainly don't attribute to him) when/if i decided i really really need help with something and I HAVE to ask him, no one else.... my friends tell me i should pretend to need something and talk to him, but i don't know how (i am not good at coming up with "something" without the risk of sounding redundantly fake)... but i really like him and i am even considering changing my look a little (as ridiculous as this may sound) to reel him in with some feminine mystique.... i am not as boring as my writing, i am usually very cheerful and "normal" face to face and not what you would call "socially impaired" (i would contest otherwise! lol)
I guess after this book-long entry (apologies!) .. what I am trying to know basically, since i lack the amorous skills that others seem to have, and since my social skills don't really reflect me (as my boring writing does) how do i, under this situation, act? what should I do? i don't want to pretend i am something i am not... and I AM NOT COURAGEOUS ENOUGH TO be the one who takes the first move. should I just ignore it? and how do I do that with out eliminating the library from my end of semester hot-spots.... i am starting my masters next term, and will probably be seeing more of him.... help!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I definitely understand your situation. Fortunately, there's hope for people like you and me. You see, I never knew how to flirt. I still don't. I tried once, and my friends all started laughing at me.
When I met my fiance, I had short, mousy brown hair, absolutely no fashion sense, and was used to being 'one of the guys'. That's a hard role to break out of.
My suggestion; don't 'act' at all. Be you. Because if you end up dating because of a front you're putting on, who knows? He might not like you for you. Just the way life goes.
Don't ignore it! Continue to talk to him. Arrange a coffee date as friends. Don't try to push it further, just enjoy being friends. Once your friendship is firmly established, it's not all that awkward to bump it up to the next level.
At that point, you have a legitimate reason for wanting to date him (from his perspective). You know each other, and know you get along really well, so what's the harm? If it doesn't work out, at least you have an awesome friend.
That's how I ended up engaged to a guy I was mere acquaintances with within a year and a half of meeting each other. Results may vary.
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A lot of the advice I'd give you I've already covered in my column. Maybe if you give some of my answers a read, they'll help. Also, I'd rather not type all that again. ;)
However, with the stuff that deals with you specifically, I'll delve a bit:
I know how you feel, being an "older" woman just getting into "dating". I too grew up an introverted, artsy "I'd rather focus on my future than on you hormonal dirtbags" kind of girl. Also, I didn't bother dating until I was twenty-three, and I too share your "short-haired and mousy until I dress up" look.
However, take hope! There ARE guys out there who are attracted to short-haired girls with brains, and not just long-haired girls whose chests are padded with the matter which might have been intended to fill their empty skulls.
This is echoing my previous advice a bit, but it bears repeating:
Be yourself! Stay true to yourself, and don't change just to attract some guy. If you do, then he won't know you for who you are and you'll face endless headaches down the road.
Also, if you like him and he isn't going to make the first move, be direct, open and honest. Guys like that. Maybe it doesn't go against your nature -- maybe just the standard, "giggly female moron trying to flirt" thing does.
Anyway... read my column, like I said. I really hope it helps you.
Best of luck!
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