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My friend claims her mom beats her.
Ok, I've got a few friends who's parents abuse them. I don't feel like I should report it or anything because it's there choice whether they'd like to stop it or not and I wouldn't feel right intruding on their family's issues. They usually just tell me not to tell anyone, so instead I help them through it by kind of being everyone's "counselor" I guess you could say. I give them advice and help them out and stuff. Well, recently me and the rest of our sports team were in the locker room and my best friend was talking about how she hated her dad so much (she is abused as well). Then another of my friends speaks up and says "well at least your parents don't hit you!". Now, at this, I had to respond "neither do your's". I've met both of her parents and they both are very VERY nice. Then she states, in front of EVERYONE, plain and simple "yeah, my mom does. She beats me like bites and scratches and kicks me". Of course, being the friend that I am, I didn't want to state the obvious; she doesn't ever have a scratch or bruise on her. Ever. Not that I look for those sorts of things, but I'm quite an observant person and usually notice stuff like that. And the fact that this girl stated it so simply, so out there in front of everyone just kind of made me have a bit of doubt. I mean, I know it's terrible because you're supposed to trust your friends and stand up for them, but I'm also good at knowing when people are lying, and I just don't think this girl is telling the truth. First off, this girl is huge. She's the strongest girl I know, I've ever known for that matter. And her mom is a pencil. She's tiny. If her mom ever laid a hand on her, this girl could definitely fight back. Second, I've met her mom and her dad. Her dad is quite and practical and really funny. Overall, great guy. Her mom is very supportive and loves me. She's come to all of our team's tournaments and always cheers my name, as well as others from the stands. She's kind of like our cheerleader, I guess you could say. She's basically just the sweetest woman ever :) I hate having to doubt my friend, but this friend also claims to be annorexic and bulimic and she is very open about that as well, which I find very odd. I mean, if I was bulimic or anorexic, the less people who knew the better. She just openly states these things like they're no big deal. I just don't know what to believe. Anyways, after she said that in the locker room, everyone just kind of stopped talking about it, so no one really adknowledged it. I kept thinking about it though, kept turning it over and over in my head. If she would lie about something as serious as abuse, She's probably lying about all of her other medical conditions she claims to have just so people will pity her or give her attention. And this, quite frankly, kind of ticks me off because some of my friends actually DO have to deal with their parents being abusive. Some of them DO actually call me on the phone, crying about how their dad just asked for them to have sex with him. And some of them DO come to school all bruised and beat up and tell me how their step dad basically beat the shit out of them the night before and their mom stood there and did nothing about it. Some of them DO stop coming to school for 2 weeks because their mom's fiance came home and destroyed their home and beat up their mom in a drunk rampage and they have to stay at a women's protection facility. These are some of my best friends, and I'd like to be able to trust them about something serious like this. I actually do no trust most people, considering I can tell when they lie. I only completely trust 2 people, and they're family. So when I say I believe my other friends that they have problems, it means something. But this girl lying to me just saddens me because I know there's nothing I can do to stop people from believing it. And I'll sure as hell feel sorry for her mom if this actually gets around and it turns out the girl was lying. But most of all, I'll feel sorry for myself if I don't believe this girl and someday she comes back to school bruised and beaten up and crying about her mom snapping on her. I'll have lost a friend just because I was skeptical about such a serious issue. And it doesn't feel right to be skeptical about it, because people just don't lie about these types of things. And yet, the fact remains that I am doubtful of her claim to abuse from her mom. I talked to a friend of mine who is really abused and she seems to think like me. Well, she believes that this girl is lying just to try to be cool or get attention. I just don't know. I wish we lived in a world where we could trust everyone, but we don't. No such world exists. And that is why I came here for help. Basically I have 2 options;
1)Let it go. No one has said anything about it for a week or so. Don't randomly accuse her of lying about something she said a week ago that no one has talked about since.
2)Confront her about it privately. She'll either reject saying it, in which I could bring the witnesses into it(which I'd rather not do because the more people involved, the greater the drama) and prove that she had indeed said such a thing. Or she will continue her story and get mad at me for doubting her, in which case I could lose a best friend.
I don't know. Part of me wants to know the whole story, see the proof, know it's real. But part of me wants to just forget about it and hope it never comes up again. Please help me. I just want to take action, whether that means avoiding the topic in the future or confronting her in the present. I'll rate all the answers, based on how good they are of course. Thanks for those of you who took the time to read this, I know it was quite long.
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Okay, first of all, I have to say that I find it really disturbing that your friends are confessing all these horrific things to you (ex. a father asking his daughter for sex) and you aren't doing something to STOP IT. Regardless of what they say, it is your role as a friend to help protect these girls. Just comforting them isn't going to prevent it from happening again, and isn't nearly enough. Not wanting to interfere is definately not a reasonable excuse for standing by and letting your friends deal with this for any longer.
I come from an abusive home, and was beaten by my male gaurdian basically right up until I got old enough to fight back, at around 13. The early years of my life were absolute hell & I lived in constant fear, and I imagine the situation is at least as bad for your friends, if not more extreme. The thing is, I honestly felt like there was no help for me. I went to social services and was told that unless I was locked out of the house or hospitalized, they couldn't remove me from the home for more than a week at a time. And for me, I felt like leaving for a week and bringing all this attention to him, only to come back, would just put me in a much more dangerous situation. I don't know if the system is the same where you live, but my point is this - PEOPLE WHO ARE BEING ABUSED CAN *RARELY* HELP THEMSELVES. Whether it's the logistics or simply the emotional barrier and the shame that burdens almost every victim, it is very hard to reach out and actually recieve some kind of meaningful help. Although our society is becoming more aware, attitudes like yours are what let people continue to live in the prisons that abusive homes are.
I really feel like these individuals are begging for your help, whether you believe it or not. I personally never discussed what was going on in my home with friends until long after it finally subsided. The fact that they have the courage to bring it to you, in my opinion, isn't just for the purpose of venting. They need someone to stand up for them in the ways that they can't stand up for themselves. I don't know what your parents are like, but I know that if I had asked, many of my friends parents would have taken me in for a while, no questions asked. Often distance is what is needed in these situations, and if you can help offer that to them, you need to. You should also be alerting authorities - I can't gaurentee they'll help very much as it really does depend on the situation, but it is the responsible thing to do.
Frankly, the fact that you're so concerned about this but you mention the atrocities that your friends are living through so casually seems pretty twisted to me.
But that rant aside, you could address this girl that you suspect is lying by saying that you're concerned about her home life, which you should be. You are right in saying that it's a pretty serious thing to lie about, and remember, everyone deals with these situations differently. It could very well be that she is telling the truth. But I think a sure way to tell would be to try and discuss it with her privately, going to her as a concerned friend whether than a skeptic. This way you could get the details, decide if they seemed realistic and continue from there, without insulting her by being critical right out of the gate.
Anyways, that's all I've got. I really urge you to start thinking about help that you can offer these girls. I understand that your living situation might not provide room for them, but you do need to be taking every step you can to protect them. You should discuss it with your parents and with a higher authority like a social worker or the police. Typically authorities are more on your side if you have an adult to vouche for the situation. If you aren't trying to help, I don't think you can consider yourself a friend at all. You can rate me really poorly for saying that, as I assume you will, but it needs to be said. Man up, girl.
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