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dating question pref to guys
k so i have this reaaalllyyy good friend that used to have a gf and i had a bf so we didn't hang out that much then i broke up with my bf and started hanging out with him A LOT like almost 4 5 times per week. oh yea his gf lived in another town so they never see each toher ..anyway we became really close friends adn then she broke up with him so we started going out even more frecuently...one day we finally started kissing...then hooked up and we've been like that since almost 2 months ago and he broke up with her prolly 3 ago ...anyway ..so i once told him i didn't want us to make out anymore or go further because i really really liked him, ( meaning like if he is not looking for a relationship with me dont make out with me anymroe cause i was serious about him) and he was like we've been close friends since almost 3 years and you know i wouldnt do that to you (kiss me and all if he didn't like me ) i wouldnt be doing that to you i like you too. so that was okey..but its been a month and a half of that!!! thats like 2723 hang outs . and 2324 times making out.
and i get confused cause one day we make out and the next day we go to the movies or somethign and just hang out as friends!and kiss goodbye on the cheek..then the next day we hang out and we're making out and kisses me goodbye on the lips ..i mean like wtf is he thinkin??? i¿d prefer getting a guys opinion about this..cause he said he wouldnt hurt me or anything (like using me blabla ) and it just seems to me like he's doing it by treating me like we're dating one day and the next we're just friends then like we're dating blablabla ..like i dont know where we're standing. and i feel like i dont want to ask him cause thats what i mean when i told him i didnt wanted to hook up if this was meaningless to him i dont want to look like im rushing it to be in a relationship with me or somethign ...i was just wondering ...do you guys find this normal if you where dating someone?cause its like we're "dating " in an intermitent way i guess one day we're kissing the next we act like nothings going on like what would i do if he just all of the sudden starts dating someone else blabla or what if i wanna date soemone else? like im no t sure if im dating soemone by the way we act right now ... so what should i do?
thanks in advance
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Hi, (21M)
Because your question is long, I'll break it into parts, and answer them in the order I think is most useful.
First, you say that you broke up with your bf and started hanging out with him (while he still had a girlfriend, I think)
Then three months ago his girlfriend broke up with him.
Then two months ago you guys hooked up.
Depending on what you mean by "hooked up", your times don't match.
Possibilities:
1. You were going out with him properly while he still had a girlfriend.
2. You were seeing him, but you're not calling it hooking up, because you weren't making out.
3. You guys separated from your respective girl/boyfriends around the same time, and then you guys got together a little later.
In case 3, everything is as it should be in terms of "one at a time".
In cases 1 and 2, I have a question:
If you were hanging out with him almost every day for a month, while he had a girlfriend... was it really her who broke up with him? If he is interested in you, and he did not instigate the breakup, why not?
It's possible that she found out about you, and broke up with him for that, but either way, if it was not him doing the breaking up, then I have to be suspicious of him to some extent. Did he want to keep his other girlfriend in the dark, and have you too?
With respect to telling him to be serious about the relationship, or stop making out with you:
It's not clear what you told him exactly, but he obviously responded to it, by behaving the way he is now.
Keep in mind that if you tell an insincere boy that he has two options: Just friends, or Serious relationship; and then attach two conditions:
a) Just friends = no messing around.
b) Serious relationship = Making out + potential.
Which would the insincere boy choose? My bet is on 'b', for B cautious.
"He said he wouldnt hurt me or anything (like using me blabla)" - This is worth 0. There is no way to know if this is the truth or not. Jerks who just want sex will say it to get what they want. Honest good guys will say it because they mean it.
"I dont want to look like I'm rushing him to be in a relationship" - Then don't rush things. The longer you make him chase you, the less likelihood he is insincere. On the other hand, if you make him chase you too far without any hope, even the most sincere relationship will break off in despair. Relationships about way more than making out, and I'm not talking more serious physical contact, I mean psychological support, love, all those soppy words which nobody really likes to hear about, but in the end hope are true. This is what your real question, now, is about.
For the last month and a half you say you two have been make out one day, lip kissing, and then the next day go to the movies as friends, and kiss on cheek. That sort of stuff. Like you don't know where you're standing, 'dating' in an intermittent way, but you're not even sure if you're 'dating' someone.
You don't like not having relationship certainty. Nobody does.
Before going into what you should do about it, I'll explain what's called "push/pull", or "love/hate". This is the principle that when people are secure with another person, they are happy enough. But if the relationship with the other person becomes uncertain, or looks like being lost, then it becomes important.
Imagine:
Someone you like suddenly tells you they HATE you
If a person you don't associate with says they hate you, you could easily ignore it.
But your feelings for a person you like give them much more power to make you feel crap than an normal person.
When the same person who said they HATE you, and made you feel so terrible does a backflip, and suddenly they LIKE you again, it feels wonderful. They not only take away the pain they caused you, but it goes further, it's warming, healing, relaxing, whatever you will.
BUT... then they do it again. Only now they're more important to you, because they just made you feel wonderful, better than anyone has in ages.
They HATE you again, and it makes you feel so bad you almost want to curl up and die this time.
A few days later, they call you, and the whole "push/pull" starts over again.
Repeated cycling of this type of push/pull creates a bond between people way WAY stronger than just liking someone continually for the same amount of time.
I accidentally did this once to a female friend of mine, and she's still the most reactive, closely bound friend I have. I wasn't even intending to at the time, but I realised afterwards that I'd done it, and was shocked at how amazingly effective it was at creating a bond between us.
Now, this is of course an example, but also a process, with different degrees, in different methods. He's not even telling you he hates you, he is just being passionate one day, and cold-fish the next. But it's similar. It might not be intentional. Maybe it is. The sure thing; it's happening.
In countering push/pull, when the person being subjected to it finds out, they should do something decisive to stop themselves from being manipulated. Generally that would mean either removing themselves from the pusher/puller, or affecting the relationship with the pusher/puller in such a way that it stops (without alerting the pusher/puller to the fact that they have noticed the technique.)
In your case, I suggest you deprive him of his PULL: making out. Be uncomfortable about making out, think of a good excuse, and make your lips STRICTLY unavailable to him, repeatedly.
By doing this you are not only breaking his cycle, but you're effectively stealing his PULL, and using it as a PUSH for yourself, against him. You're making him uncomfortable with the stability of his position, and forcing him to react. You can PULL later if you need to, but for a start, let's make him feel like you, let's make him wonder if he's going out with you or not. Maybe then he'll have to make up his mind.
If he's scared being serious will ruin your friendship, because of what you said to him, he could be trying to play it slow, in which case he should withstand the pushing. He will almost certainly notice something strange about the way you are acting if you change the status-quo by becoming "unavailable" to make out.
This is a chance to see how he reacts.
His reaction is the most important indicator about whether he is serious, playing, loves you, Everything.
He might ask you to talk. Be prepared for questions about why you haven't been making out. Don't take this the wrong way, but if he isn't serious, then be prepared not to be manipulated by any emotional shit that players have up their sleeves to try to salvage precarious relationships. Don't let him flick any switches in your head. Up 'till now you haven't known 100% what is going on. From now on YOU are driving, because you DESERVE to know how you stand. When either of you doesn't, it's not a fair relationship.
Final note after reading the other response: True, lots of guys won't want to approach you to talk. If you go cold, and he looks like running, maybe it's best you initiate a talk.
Hope things go well for you ^.-
-K
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Well, I believe being in a relationship means you have a friendship behind it. I'd have to say that this guy is unsure if you want to be in a relationship, or perhap scared. I'd really say talk to him, because most guys hate talking about how they feel, but if it benifits them there interested. I'd say he's into you, but loves you as a friend, and doesn't always want you to be the girls he's making out with. Or he's just looking at you as a booty call, and if that is it, he could come up with a girlfriend at any point, so if you want him I suggest you snag him well he's there for the taking.
Humans are complex individuals no matter what the case. :x
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