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humorist-workshop
I need your life experience!
Hi, I love the advice you give, and I was wondering if maybe you had any for me. I don't really have a specific question, but I have a feeling that you probably have some great words of wisdom that I could use.
A little about our background--my boyfriend and I have been together for more than 3 1/2 years now, and we are planning on getting married in another 3 1/2, when he gets out of law school. We are waiting because we can't shoulder the financial burden, (and I don't do well poor--I have a horse and two dogs, along with several expensive hobbies) so we are trying our best to start out our marriage with as little debt as possible. We are high school sweethearts, but I think we've been successful because we've grown and changed together. We were raised similarly, and come from somewhat similar backgrounds. His father is a lawyer, whereas my parents did not finish college, but my best friend's family is entirely medical, and I was half-raised in her home, so I don't believe background is an issue.
Our biggest differences come in when planning the future. He fully supports my dreams, and I support his, but we still have trouble sometimes. As for the immediate future, we have to deal with his getting into law school, and where I am going after I graduate. We are graduating a semester apart, so unless we both stay where we are now, which I am reluctant to, we will have to spend some time apart. More than anything, I want to move to Lexington, KY, because I want to work with Thoroughbreds. I would like Daniel to go to a top law school like Virginia or Georgetown, but he is leaning more toward going where ever I will be; not that I am discouraging that, but my plans are always fluid, whereas his tend to be more solid.
As for our distant future, we tend to argue about whether to have kids or not. He wants at least one of our own, but not only am I terrified of being pregnant, I don't even like kids. I guess they're cute and all, but they are the cutest when you can send them back to mommy. Most people I have talked to said that I would change my mind, and I'm more than open to it, but I don't really see myself developing this love of children in the next few years. I think Daniel would be a great dad, but I am not confident that I would be a good mom at all, and I would be the one at home while he is at work.
So anyway, we are ecstatically happy at the moment, but I know every relationship has its rough patches. If you have any great advice or words of wisdom, I would greatly appreciate your insight!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I want to start this by thanking you for asking for advice (not necessarily my own, but advice in general) BEFORE you two got married and got kids involved. So many people do things that they end up regretting and then need advice on either how to get out of a situation or on how to live with their regrets.
It is so sweet to hear you two are high school sweethearts. I actually know several people from my own high school who were dating in high school, both went to colleges close to home, and are now married and raising families. My own grandparents were high school sweethearts and were married for 59 ½ years before we lost my grandma. The fact the two of you have survived the most emotional time of your lives (the teenage years) together says a lot about your relationship.
When it comes to your education, it definitely sounds as though you have discussed the tough issue of where to go to college and if you spend time apart. This is a tough one for me because at your ages, you both need to be the most important and you both need to do what is right for your own educations, and what is best for each of you may not end up being similar enough for you to remain close, geographically speaking. Lexington is certainly a great place to go for horses. A lot of people from here go to KY every weekend or just about every weekend to do things with their own horses or see events. I am in Ohio. That being said, most places do have horses and you could certainly work with thoroughbreds wherever you are. There are great law schools other than Virginia or Georgetown. I want to stick in a little life knowledge here… I know a small handful of people who went to Harvard and Yale. Let me tell you- the school does not mean nearly as much as the person who is doing the studying. You could attend Podunk college and get a better education and be better at your career than someone who graduates "Ivy League". If your boyfriend is good at law, studies hard and works hard, then the ultimately the only people who are likely to care are his office mates who may play a game of "I went to a better school than you did" someday at the office. Beyond that, once you have that degree and you are given a chance to prove you know your stuff and are great at what you do, no one cares where you graduated from, or will ever even know unless you make a point at telling. What I am trying to say is perhaps the two of you could research where say, the top 10-15 law schools are and if a few of them are close to where you could be surrounded by your love of horses, then you are set!
Now lets change gears a bit to the kid topic. This concerns me because there are a few things that many people don’t discuss before marriage and they can end up tearing families apart. Whether or not to have kids is one of them.
You said you are afraid to be pregnant. You should ask yourself why, and why you don’t like kids to begin with. Are you afraid to be pregnant because of fear of losing your figure? Are you afraid of health issues associated with being pregnant? Are you afraid of the pain of delivery? Are you afraid of BEING a bad mom? Do you not want kids because they cry a lot and break things? Because they change your way of life meaning you are no longer free to do what you want when you want?
I do not want to try to sway you one way or the other because the reality is, there are a lot of women out there who do not want kids. Some of those women have kids anyway and turn out to be good moms but there are those who never should have had those kids and those kids would be better off living with someone else.
The above things are true. Pregnancy can be uncomfortable. Labor can be painful (though there is pain management that can help tremendously). Kids can be noisy, cry, break things. However, kids are also as well behaved as their parents raise them to be. I am not going to go too much into this as this is a parenting question which would require me writing volumes and this reply is already going to be long enough. Basically, kids, especially when they are your own are so easy to love and return that love in a way that is indescribable unless you have felt that love.
Imagine this: You are now around 45-50 years of age. Daniel is a respected lawyer and you have done wonderful things in the world of horses. Most of your friends now have at least one grandchild. Your friend Sally and her husband are going to take their grandkids to Niagra Falls next spring to see the awe on their grandkids faces at the waterfalls. Mary has recently shown you the pictures of her now grown kids when they were little. There is one particularly sweet picture of Mary with her daughter when the daughter was only 2. They are in a big embrace and the little girl is giving Mary a look that is meant only for a mommy. Betty is unable to get together this weekend because she and her kids are going on a camping trip. Her son was an Eagle Scout and now he does amazing things with the local zoo on saving endangered species. Betty could not be more proud of her kids.
Are you okay not having any of these life experiences? If you are, you will probably be one of those women who should not have kids. If you think you will eventually miss never hearing for the first time "I wuv you mommy" or kissing away tears falling down a chubby cheek… you may want to seriously figure out what your issues are with being pregnant and a mother.
Parenting is NOT, contrary to what many think, an instinct for people. People have few natural instincts. It feels that way sometimes because you get so in tune to what your kids need and want. Parenting needs to be learned and I am sure you know enough people with children who apparently slept through that class in life. I had NEVER held an infant until my first son was born. I had to read lots of books. I have taken classes about children and child psychology. My kids mean EVERYTHING to me but it was not an instinct on how to raise them. I knew NOTHING about kids 5 years ago.
More than likely, if you just "gave up" and had a kid because Daniel wants one, you would probably love it and care for it and not be able to believe you ever did NOT want kids because of your love for your child. That is not saying that is what you should do. If you definitely do NOT want kids, Daniel either needs to accept this, or perhaps this is the one issue that keeps you from completely belonging with each other.
Just be forewarned, you do reach an age when you are too old to change your mind.
I cannot tell you what to do or how to do it. I am sure you already knew that. I just wanted to pose some questions for you to help you in your own decision making.
I wish you the best of luck with this. Life can be really hard sometimes. Once you make it through the tough times though, you are stronger. The tough times smooth out eventually. You need to live. Make sure you will be happy living with your decisions.
Best of Luck.
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