|
You just answered my cheating question and umm...
Well just to straighten some things out first. I'm 18, he's 20.. Just so it doesn't seem like I'm a dumb teenager. Although it may still seem that way because after reading your answer, which I am truly thankful for, I feel more than dumb even considering it.
But I'm just not sure what to do about it because I have talked to him about it on many different occasions but things just don't seem to change. He also has told me that he feels discouraged about not being able to make me orgasm and I've told him that it doesn't matter to me--that he's what matters to me. And see..that was all true at the time I told him.
Now, he's still discouraged and barely ever wants to even try to pleasure me because he says he doesn't want ot "fail" again. His words, not mine.
Truth is, He isn't really failing in my eyes...because when he actually wants to pleasure me, even if he doesn't get me off, I think it's amazing and I've told him that so many times. It just isn't enough for him and it's come to the point where all we focus on his him. Our sex life has come to me giving him blow jobs and usually nothing more.
I've never told anyone any of that before, not even my best friends... Because I know it hurts him..but I've told him over and over again that it doesn't matter to me I just want to be there with him and not feel like im just there to give him head. So all that closeness we once had is gone because of how discouraged he's gotten.
The whole cheating thing just came up today while I was talking to an old firend of mine..a male friend. I know he's always been interested in me--well, having sex with me. So I actually started thinking about it.
I do love my boyfriend...I love him but I'm not happy with what is going on in our relationship. And I do realize now that having sex with another guy will not help us. But I'm not quite sure what to do.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Age being 18/20 means everything in my last answer applies, very muchly so even. You may not be a "dumb teenager" but you are in a transitional phase of life. This means you're at a point in which nothing should be "set" in stone without much consideration. This also means that you have a lot of learning to do and still quite some growing into your fresh adulthood.
Honestly, the reason he probably feels so terrible is because you haven't expressed gratitude for what he has done. Men like to know that they have achieved a victory. Men don't like to be told things like, "You did the best you could! It's okay that I'm not pleased, really!" That means "FAILURE" in his eyes.
Men also are not very keen on figuring out women's clues. For some strange reason, women are hinters (and very bad at that). We don't like to just come out with our honest wants, needs, desires, and truths--but WE SHOULD! Men don't know what we're thinking. They're not mind-readers. They don't have a crystal ball that can tell what's going on with us. A good reason why he is never doing anything more than receiving a blow job is because you're not encouraging him to do what you'd like. Women say things like, "I'm horny," and expect the guy to take control of the situation. In reality, we should be saying, "I'm really horny and I want you to ___(DESIRE)___ with/to me right now." Everything should be clear and communicated immediately so the guy can decide what to do and how to go about his decision.
If you're considering cheating on him to get some sort of "pleasure" out of sex then think back of times when he HAS failed to please you in the bedroom. Were you supportive or did you opt out like the line I said above, "Honey, it's okay that you couldn't get me off, really! You did the best you could!" isn't being very supportive, believe it or not.
If you thought those times in which he has attempted to please you was "amazing" then you wouldn't be desiring another man for 20 minutes in the bedroom, would you? This being said, you probably haven't been as "helpful" as you THOUGHT you had been when it came to sex with your current partner.
It's also true that many women don't speak up during sexual interaction. If a guy needs to "move up" a little on your body then you need to tell him. If something happens to feel good then you need to say, "That feels good!" so he knows he is at the right spot, doing the right thing. If you need it harder, softer, slower, faster, up, down, left, right, in a certain position, etc. then you have to say it. If you like being on top then you say, "I like being on top because ___(REASON)___." The he knows what you like, too. Men, again, are simply not mind-readers.
If you don't expressed your true desires then nothing can be made of a relationship. True desires in every form. Even sexually. If you haven't said, "You know, I really enjoy giving you blow jobs but I'd REALLY like you to try doing XYZ to me tonight. I think it sounds really hot and I'd like to try that. Would you please do that with me tonight?" Simply put, if you don't clearly communicate to your partner what you desire--sexually--then how can you expect him to please you? How can you expect him to magically know that you're tired of giving blow jobs and not "getting" anything else.
You, seriously, need to do one of two things:
1. Break up with him.
2. Tell him EXACTLY what is going on and try to save what is left.
If you break up wit him then you need to be honest so that the relationship has proper closure. Be clear and as honest you can be about the situation. Say something like, "I have feelings of love toward you but there is something terribly lacking on my side of this relationship. I want to try new things with other people and I know it isn't fair to you to do that while committed in this relationship. I am sorry this may come as a shock but I've made up my mind and I do hope you find what you're looking for in life, just as I hope I find what I'm looking for."
If you decide to stay with him and try to bandage what has been "hurt" be mis-communication (or lack of, in the most likely case) then you need to sit down and have a serious discussion with him. Now. You need to sit him down and say something like, "These past months have been really good between us but I'm having some issues on my side of the relationship. I feel like things are lacking in the bedroom and it's effecting the way I'm treating you--and us, as a couple. I have considered breaking up with you to see other men for awhile but I've decided that isn't what I truly want to do. I want this to work out but I need you to work with me on repairing what I feel has been damaged. I know it seems embarrassing for you but we're both adults--I know we have issues in the bedroom just like you know we have issues in the bedroom. The problem is that, although I love giving you the frequent blow-job, I'd really like things spiced up for me. I really, really desire ___(EVERYTHING YOU DESIRE)___. Do you think we can fix this or is this out of the question?"
Communicate or leave the relationship. Take tonight (or today, depending on what time it is where you are) to decide which path you're going to go down. Please be very honest and clear in either choice. There is not harm in being honest. It's okay if he is upset or has hurt feelings. That is part of life. If you go through life sugar-coating yourself then you're not ever going to be happy and you're going to bring people down with you.
Be honest and clear, whatever you choose.
I wish you well in your relationship or in finding what you truly desire in a relationship with a man. If you have any more questions please feel free to ask me! :)
P.S. Personally, I'd break up with him if I had SERIOUSLY considered cheating on him before. Going that far means that something is severely hurt in the relationship--maybe beyond repair. You never know though.
]
More Questions: |