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me and alot of weird ness
ok so
i dont know where to start
i dont live at home, im 15 and havent lived at home since i was 13 i just moved somewhere good and safe but before i lived all over it was hard but it was what i knew i used to move back home. But then me and my dad would fight and he owuld hit me and or just yell and scream and scare me.
this is something i wrote after a had a flash back of him yelling
But it’s just, just fucked
I get so scared
I see him
And half of me doesn’t think he did anything
He says he didn’t
But did he
What is abuse what does it mean?
When minard yells and uses contradiction and that tone
I don’t see minard I see my dad I see his hand in my face and that way he say huh and answer me god dammit and the way he he hits things or when it wont be an object it will be me
But then I will hit back I will scream and yell I refuse to be a victim
How am I such a contradiction?
This is what I mean by not knowing who I am
I just can’t get half this stuff out
Is it like?
I don’t know
But I know right now it’s a real fear.
I know when people rough house with me and call me names
Sometimes I get transported back into the times with my dad
I don’t know anymore
I don’t know if I am happy
I don’t know when I was I know that sometimes things will be good
Really good
I will be having a blast but then it will hit me that its not what it seems
And then I become dependant on people
Why do I think people that aren’t him are why do I get scared.
sorry if it doesnt make sense
im in a rather upset state of mind
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
If your father has ever hit you, that is physical abuse. If he has yelled at you, called you names, cut you down and caused you this confusion over your identity, victimized you, or intimidated you, this is psychological abuse.
He does not have a right to do the things he has done to you, and it is good that you are living away from him. Maybe later in your life and his he will realize what he's done and will try to make it up to you, but right now it's all lies. If you keep going back home because things might get better, he won't take you seriously, he'll think that you'll always come back and that he has the power over you.
But like you said - refuse to be victimized. Don't let him have physical or emotional control over you. When people joke around with you and call you names, let the flashback go through you and give yourself permission to forget about it: he does not have to control you. Give yourself permission to trust people and know that you can always redact that trust if anyone violates it. You are in control.
What you're going through is normal for the situation you're in and there's nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. I've found that through difficult times it really helps to keep a journal - when you feel upset, afraid, or angry, go to the journal and write down every thought and feeling you have, don't hold anything back. No one will ever see it or know about it, it's just yours. Write your dad letters that you don't send, and you can say whatever you need to say in them. Just get everything out and allow yourself to feel that emotion when you're in a completely safe space that's all your own.
Also, you may want to consider talking to a counselor, either at school or a professional. Personally I find journaling to help much more, but talking out the things you're feeling with a professional might help you sort everything out as well.
I'm sorry you're going through this, if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to email me at Nevaeh314@gmail.com.
I hope this helps -
Love,
Pascal
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Hey,
My parent's abused and deserted me so I can help you out.
There is sexual abuse. If your dad felt you, or did something to you in any sexual way that's abuse.
If he hit you or physically hurt you that is also abuse.
Most children don't do anything wrong but are abused because their parent's have issues.
Visit www.bebo.com/goneforeverx she is sixteen and has gone through a similiar ordeal.
Kids Help Line is also a good place to seek help.
Hope I've Helped.
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