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how to coop with this?
Well there's this guy, let's call him Joe, and there's a long (I emphasize LONG) story behind it.
ps: me = 18/f and him = 22/m
We have recently, quite quickly I might add, become friends. Possibly more. We met at a bar, cliché I know, and we went home together that night. There was no sex involved because at the moment I didn't feel ready. He repescted my wishes and spent the night. He facebooked me the following afternoon asking me if I wanted to join him in his Sunday night karaoke ritual, with his friends. Cautious of the consequences, I agreed to go with him, after all he did seem nice. At that point I said "screw it" to the '3 day rule' or the 'dont say yes you'll look needy rule' and surprizingly had a blast with this guy.
We have hung out quite a few times since, this was 3 or 4 weeks ago. The thing is, he had just come out of a relationship that had been going on for quite a few years and she broke up with him out of the blue. Hints to why he went out clubbing that night (he's not a big partier). This left him pretty bumed out, and we talked about it as friends. We had both expressed how awkward it could be but we decided to talk about it as friends, simply because we BOTH wanted him to get over her. He continues to express to me that he is not ready to start a new relationship yet and I completely understand, and repect his decision. The thing is, when we hang out we act as if we're dating, even though he keeps telling me "I just want to be friends for now". Like, whenever he drops me off or walks me home, there's always the goodbye kiss(es). I love the way he makes me feel, I've never felt this way before. When I'm with him I feel like nothing can go wrong. When I talk to him, on facebook chat, or msn or the phone, I get this felling like I'm alone in the world with no distractions and we can just talk, and I feel 'safe' and, well, loved, in a way. I know this is sounding soo cliché but it's true. I'm not going to go to the extent to say I love him, because I don't think I do..as to say I would not say it back if he were to say those three words to me. I like him alot and I know that nothing is going to happen right now. I am willing to wait for him to get over his ex and 'test the market' as he calls it yet if someone just as good, if not better, comes along, I won't let my feelings for him stop me. He has also made this point clear to me, that he doesn't want him to stop me from finding my 'better half'. The thing is, I don't know if I'm actually looking for anyone at the moment. With exams comming soon, I don't have much free time with work and all but I don't know, he sort of changes my mind. It's like they say, it will find you. I am willing to take things slow, while he 'recovers' but I don't know how slow he needs me to go. We are basically becoming friends with benefits, and I don't want to get to that stage because once you're in, you'll never get out unless one of you becomes in a relationship. Gosh, all this talk is getting me frustrated. To describe our situation as best I can, I would say the good old fashion for of dating. When you date guy #1 one day, guy #2 another day, guy #3 some other day, and then guy #1 again the next. Well, he's #1, as in we keep 'dating' as in going on 'dates' and well I have this gut feeling that it is going to remain this way for a while. Although it's great because I don't have to worry about being exclusive at this point and I can still have my partying fun without worrying what he thinks or what I may feel like doing, such as kissing another guy, I still feel that I should be. I know it's weird becuase I know that he wouldn't think twice about it but I really, genuinely care about him. It's not just a physical attraction, he's not 'Canada's hottest male' here, he's just an average Joe, you know..but I still care about him, alot, and I wish he would realise just how much I do. Like I know he cares about me as a friend but I don't know to which extent. We've talked about our feelings because we needed to clear the air on a certain subject but he never stated how he felt, he just said he didn't want to be in a relationship right now and that didn't mean there wasn't anything for us in the future. To me this is hope, but I could totally be over analyzing his claim of "shit i don't want to hurt her feelings and I love what we have, i'll just say this.." I know that I am probably fooling myself while remaining with this guy who says "we have something special between us, I just don't want to be in a relationship right now" simply because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings and risk losing the benefits to our friendship, if not completely. Like I said before, I am willing to wait, and I have a feling he knows this and may take advantage of it but I really don't care at this point.. I really like him and I don't care who knows, I simply need help to coop with this situation of "OMG!". How does one get by with this on their shoulders, day after day, with little hope of improuvement. Advice?
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Although I respect your choice to be miserable with someone who has flat out told you he isn't going to provide the kind of secure and loving relationship you want... I have trouble accepting that a 'great guy' would use you like this.
I think you are smart girl, and I think you are dead right: He knows he is using you. If he wasn't using you he would have been honest about his feelings one way or another. If he wasn't using you he'd take ownership of the situation and not allow you to 'wait' for the impossible to happen. If he wasn't using you he'd hurt you feelings a bit now, and loose the benefits, rather then keep up with the benefits you knowing he is going to hurt you a hell of a lot more later.
He is trying to make his behavior look good by dressing it up in compliments and encouraging you to ‘find your better half’, but that is a bit like wrapping a brick in pretty gift-wrap. You can put it under your tree and it looks nice, but come Christmas morning it’s still just a brick. Just because he says nice things, doesn’t mean he is doing nice things. Just because he doesn’t know he is being a selfish ass who is playing with your heart, doesn’t mean he isn’t.
This guy is screwing with your brain. I can't give you advice on how to bear this, because it's should be bearable. It should be intolerable. You are smart and confident: You know what you want in a romantic arrangement and you know he isn’t going to give that to you soon, and maybe not ever. Eventually, this will probably will become intolerable, but first, he is going to keep playing you, offering you excuses, emotionally baiting you and leading you on.
You are probably fooling yourself, and he's probably fooling himself too. That's fine. Enjoy it well it lasts, but don't kid yourself. You know the path you probably on with this guy, and it's not the one you want.
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