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Confused and Depressed
F/25/USA
Where do I begin?
Okay... Almost two years ago, I met this guy. We started dating and I thought, 'I'm in love for the first time.' Nevermind that I was beginning to suspect that he was financially irresponsible. About six months after we met, we moved in together and the financial irresponsibility started to bother me. But I didn't really say anything except for, 'Please get a job.' Nevermind that I was starting to resent him a little. But then he got a job and everything was okay for a while.
Over the past year and a half... Our financial situation has gotten worse. A month ago, we ended up moving in with family so that we could save money and pay off our debts. The resentment at this point is spiraling totally out of control. But I still don't say much, mainly because of I have this phobia of hurting people. (I've been accused of being nice to a fault.)
I'll admit that my own financial irresponsibility has contributed to our situation. But when I think about our debts... I realize that half MY debt alone was money that I spent trying to carry him and keeping both our heads above water. On top of the resentment that I all ready had because I felt like he didn't contribute equally... There is also the resentment that is starting to accumulate because I feel like he's dragging me into the gutter.
This whole thing has me confused and depressed. I worry non-stop though I know that I shouldn't and it's beginning to affect every aspect of my life. My performance at work, my relationships with family and friends... My general personality. And so... I've started having some weird thoughts...
Like... Maybe I'd be better off without him. Maybe I'm not in love with him after all. Maybe the only reason that he's still around is because I'm too afraid to hurt him. Maybe I'm not ready for a serious, committed relationship. Maybe there are other things that I need to do first... Like, go back to college and earn my BA.
And so... It would seem like a no-brainer. Only... It isn't. I know I've painted this horrible picture of him... But really, he's a good guy. He's one of the kindest people that I know, he really loves me, he treats me well, he would do ANYTHING for me. It's like, in every aspect he is the perfect guy for me... Except for this one thing. And I love him, I know that much... I'm just not sure if I love him the way I ought to anymore.
And then... There is also the fact that I wonder, what would he do if I wasn't there to take care of him anymore? I mean, where would he live? Would his self-esteem sink lower than it all ready is? What would he do? I mean... At one point in his life, he was basicly homeless. He lived out of a storage unit and searched peoples' cars for spare change so that he could eat. He has a good family... But his step-father won't let him stay at his parents' house because they didn't get along when he was a teenager.
I just feel like everything is falling apart. I want to do something... I just don't what that something is. I know this was really long and I apologize... But any advice that you could give me would be greatly appreciated.
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Your weird thoughts are not weird at all!
They are telling you what you need to do. :)
Look. I realize he is a good guy. He is a good
guy with problems and in the long run this
relationship, with all its resentment, is not
going to work. I think you need to go your
own way without him while you still can.
It seems to me that you have tried as best
you could. But you aren't going to change
his ways. And you can't let this relationship
hold you back and drag you down too.
You are not his mother. He will have to sink
or swim on his own. I can understand your
fear of what might happen to him in the
future, but you can't let that stop you from
having a good future yourself. He is a big
boy, he will make it unless he likes living
on the streets. That won't be your problem
anymore.
Stop worrying about him and worry about
yourself for a change! Let him do the same.
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