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i was the girl with the family/"in crowd" issues
um, i dont really know what to say, im not really good with asking other people for help but what you said really helped me, a whole lot actually. the only thing i feel i need to correct is the thing about rehab, my BROTHER went to rehab, not ME. don't worry, its not that big of a deal, but anyways i'm mainly writing to say thanks but also because i would kinda like to talk to you more, if thats okay.
It's just, i didn't touch much on my family life in the other post so i guess i'll just pour my heart out now. My brother is a 19 year old cosmetologist/drop out/druggie/dealer/gay-man.
I know i should be proud of him no matter what, but i can't help but me painfully embarrassed whenever someone asks me about him, or if there is a possibility he may come up in a conversation. And feeling like that only makes me feel worse because i know its wrong. I hate him sometimes, as terrible as it is, but i hate him and my mother a lot of the time just for my life. Its not their fault, i know that deep down, but i cant help but blame them.
Its like, i feel like if my mother hadn't divorced my father and taken my brother and me away from him, my brother would have had a manly figure and not have been gay. (Also i get furious with my mother when she tells her friends that a divorce really is the best option and that it doeesnt really "hurt the kids" if its done properly. She just doesn't understand. Her parents are still together and always will be, ive never seen love that lasts and im petrified that i am destined to be divorced too.)And I think that if my brother hadn't done drugs, i wouldn't have had to go to sleep listening to my family have screaming matches on the main floor, or be the one to comfort my mother when she was in tears because Kevin (my bro) did something else. I mainly just feel like my childhood was stolen from me. Being in the 5th grade and going on search parties to look for your druggged out brother and having death threats cast against you while your brother was staying in rehab makes you realize that the world isn't easy. I resent them so much sometimes. I just think that my brother is so selfish to go out and party and do whatever he wants with no regard for how badly hes hurt me. I get mad at my mom for always calling me the "good" child, and treating me like i could never do anything wrong. I feel like im under a microscope. The worst part is, i get these spells where i think i'm going to have a heart attack, where it gets hard to breath and i get dizzy. Sometimes they only last a few seconds, but the longest one was at school and it lasted for about 5 minutes. I collapse sometimes because of it, and i am so worried that it'll kill me. I mean, as ridiculous as it sounds, i really do feel like i'm going to die whenever i have an episode. I am just so afraid and angry and i want to know that
i'm not just crazy, you know?
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ADVICE
Honey your not crazy. It sounds like you have alot of stress and that will do that to any person, when they are not able to handle all that is going on around them. Your body is reacting to stressful situations the only way it can right now. As far as your mother and your brother go, its funny when it comes to family. I in my heart feel that you can truely love everyone, but you dont always have to like the person that they are. With your brother for instance being worried about what others may think or being embarassed of how he is, should really not affect you this much. You are not your brother and should never feel like you have to explain anyting on his part or for his actions. I know that sounds harsh but what I mean is if anyone wants to talk about your brother or bring him up, you polightly say ask him yourself. If they really want to know or are curious you tell them its none of their business and to stop asking. You can protect yourself and your brother by handleing things more this way. That way all those feelings you get will start to gradually ease off, when you know the only things people are hearing will come directly from your brother himself and not by anything you have done or said. As for your mother and those feelings, I think all of us feel that way. I will be flat out honest on with you on this one. I love my mother for being my mother, but I do not like the person that she is. I still respect her as you should for any parent but as a person I do not care for the person she is, or how she is. I know thats a bit confusing but it is possible to love someone and not really like them. I would talk to your mother and you brother and be honest about all of these things. I think that when you express yourself to them it will releave some of those stressful feelings that you are having. When a person holds things inside for a long period of time, it can not only affect you mentally but phyically as well. As far as your mother stating that divorce does not affect the children, and how that has made you feel, and how you think that will affect you in the future you need to be upfront about that. Divorce is hard on the children I know that first hand. However if the divorced parent can be open enough with their children about why and what went wrong I often times think that helps the children with some closer and understanding. We are all accountalbe for our actions and sometimes it will affect others even if we never wanted it too. Divorce is one of those times. The children are the innocent bystanders. No one who ever gets married can predict how the future will turn out. Often times as a parent we feel the pain that our children have over our own mistakes. If your mother feels this has not affected you at all, she might choose to see it that way, even though that is not the case. Be open and honest with the ones you love, only then can you start to make the relationship better. We all take charge of our future, and we live and learn as we go. If you choose to believe you will fail at something in life, most likely you will. Change that outlook, believe that you can do better and you will. Never let the actions of others, make you feel like your life will turn out the same way. Its normal to have worries and fears about stuff, but never let it get the best of you. Just worry about being responsibil for yourself and your own actions. No matter how bad we may view our families at times they will always be our family, we cant change that. Nor did we have the option to pick them ourselves. So have a talk with them and remember what I said. This will not only help you now, but will ensure a better future and a more possitive outlook, on things you cant change. I hope this helped and if you ever need to talk again I will be here..
So take a deep breath remember to love yourself and take it onedayatatime
Also I would like to say sorry for the misunderstanding about the rehab thing because it was refering to your brother and not you. So I am glad you got back with me and cleared that up. See I am not perfect and I will admit first hand when I make a mistakes. So thank you for pointing that out to me I do appreciate it.
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