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why am I such a bad person?
it's always been really important to me to be kind and considerate to others, but recently I feel like my compassion for others is completely fake. I work with kids and when one of them falls and cries I act sincerely worried for them and cheer them up, but in my head I want to just tell them to suck it up! And my boyfriend's family is really important to him and they are all very nice to me, so I always act like I love them and talk to his mom when in reality I hate them all and think the mom is an idiot. When my boyfriend gets upset over things I act supportive, but after he is feeling better and he leaves I laugh at him. LAUGH! THAT IS HORRIBLE AND I KNOW IT!
I absolutely hate being around close families too. If I had a choice, I wouldn't ever meet anybody's family. And my boyfriend and I have been on break, so we are just friends who hook up now. he says he is so in love with me and wants to be my boyfriend again, even though we're still having sex and such on a regular basis, and I couldn't understand why. He's allowed to do whatever with any girl but he doesn't want to. I don't hook up or even flirt with anybody else because i still feel loyal to him, and I do love him, but I just prefer the hook up and leave thing way better than a real relationship (btw nobody knows I have sex or any of that either).
This is not who I want to be, and I have never let anybody see that side of me because it is aweful and I hate it - but I can't help how I feel about things sometimes it's just my reaction! I feel like I am becoming a miserable b***h and I hate that I am that way. I act so sweet and caring, and I would love to genuinely care about other people. I think I'd be happier if I were genuinely a good person. what can I do to stop these horrible feelings? I haven't always been like this, I don't know what happened. I just want it to go away.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Thinking, "Suck it up!" to a child when they're injured--even just slightly--simply isn't normal. It isn't normal for any person (adult or otherwise) to think those thoughts. I couldn't imagine thinking something like that even if the child had a scraped knee and I am a grown woman. It sounds like you had an odd childhood in which you were missing something fairly vital in the emotional standards. Whatever it is, PLEASE know that it is NOT NORMAL for an adult, especially, to have those thoughts!
Yes, it's a child and you understand that the bruise is going to heal and they're going to be OK but when ANYBODY--child or not--is hurt and you have those thoughts there is absolutely no reason you should feel that it's an acceptable way to think. Thinking things will eventually lead to outbursts of those thoughts in some way. You already understand your ex feels pain emotionally and your "natural" response is to laugh about it. This is not OK.
You, obviously, know something is wrong and that is a step in the right direction. Acknowledging a problem is the basis of personal improvement. Please, strive to improve yourself.
Next, it's totally fine to not like someone but talk to them anyway. Many people dislike their partner's parents for one reason or another. There are plenty of reasons to dislike someone and still communicate with them civally. You're not doing anything wrong by interacting with people you dislike as if you were OK with them. I would go as far as to say that majority of the population does this sort of thing.
Not feeling emotional connection is something that is a very serious matter. You're happy to engage in sexual activity to receive physical fulfillment but have no desire to further that interaction on an emotional level. This is very abnormal, especially for a woman. We have the biological need to emotionally connect with our mates. This is why so many women end up in broken, "friends with benefits" types of relationships--because they, deep down inside somewhere, believe there will be an emotional fulfillment to come. By the way, I do not feel that engaging in sex is your "real problem" in this situation. It is a big problem that you are mentally harming others because of your own emotional problems but it is by far the major point of your problems.
Although it doesn't sound like it from your description, you could be "harming" yourself emotionally and psychologically by engaging in this sort of relationship with your ex-boyfriend. It, most definately, is psychologically damaging him. It is possible that you are doing this to yourself to make yourself FEEL something, though you have not described having any more emotion about the situation other than not wanting emotional attachment or fulfillment from your ex. Any way it is, it's MUCH healthier for you and him to break this sort of mess off. He is going to develop a very bad sense of self-worth if you continue this course and you are likely to worsen.
You're not going to stop those horrible feelings and thoughts without long therapy. There is something unresolved from your childhood. Someone you trusted, looked up to, or needed was not there for you. They were not the appropriate role model for you and have damaged you greater than anyone could have imagined. Being uncomfortable about "close families" is a MAJOR sign that something happened when you were growing up that was not normal. It's possible that you may be able to list a few things that may have disrupted your emotional growth and it may be possible that you grew up not knowing that something was wrong. Either way, it's time to get help now while you're still young and able to mature into someone mentally healthier.
These thoughts will continue if you do not seek help with working those out. Acting as if you feel one way is not going to magically change things one day. Pretending that you're normal is not going to MAKE you normal. Pretending that is you "distance yourself" from these situations that you make you uncomfortable will make everything OK again is completely absurd.
Please seek a therapist immediately. What you're feeling isn't normal and you should not continue to live this way. You want to be a good person and that is great--the only way you're going to achieve this is if you seek PROFESSIONAL help.
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Separate your issues.
Issue 1: You think small kids should suck it up.
That doesn't make you a bad person. That makes you an adult. What also makes you an adult in the realization that although the child's pain in small and insignificant in the bigger picture, it's very real and important to the child, so you comfort them knowing that they will grow and learn to ignore and deal with their little pains in more mature ways. But for now, they are just kids, and they need to be gently taught how to ‘suck it up.’
Issue 2: You don’t like your ex-boyfriends family.
So what? You are polite and friendly with them, and that is as much as can be expected of you. You aren’t going to like and respect everyone in this world. You aren’t even going to think well of everyone in this world. You’d be a total idiot if you did. Some people are not very bright. Some people will piss you off. That isn’t about being ‘not nice’ that is about not deceiving yourself into thinking the world is all rainbows and sunshine full of basically kind and smart people. The world isn't that and you know it.
And finally, Issue 3. This is the REAL issue. This is the problem behind all your other problems that is fueling your self-loathing and is probably the main reason you are not currently happy.
You are fucking someone you have no respect for.
Doing that, will always make you unhappy.
I’m all for hook-ups and casual relationships between two experienced adults, who have a mutually respectful and beneficial understanding, but THAT, is NOT what is happening with this guy right now.
You two don’t want the same thing from your relationship.
You are being cruel to him by not ending it. He OUGHT to be mature enough to end a situation that isn’t giving him what he needs and makes him miserable, but since he isn’t, you’ll need to be mature for him.
You are going to keep feeling like crap until you make a clean break from this guy. The guilt is colouring everything in your life.
This is your minds way of telling you to GET OUT of this messy arrangement.
You are going to keep feeling like crap because you know you can’t make him happy. You are wasting his time and affection, and that doesn’t feel good.
You are going to keep being bitchy and short-tempered in other aspects of your life, because you aren't happy in this one.
You might love him, but I’d bet good money that a lot of the time you don’t really like him, or listen to his opinion, or take him very seriously.
This doesn’t make you a bad person. This makes you a person who needs to get the hell out of a relationship that makes them hate themselves just because they don’t, and can’t, want exactly what the other person wants.
You've tried to want what he wants. You now know it can't be done.
The situation you are in with this guy is a bad one. Of course it makes you feel bad. End it and get some distance from it and I bet a lot of negativity and inpatience will end.
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