You answered my question about J and L, and I wanted to say the thing is that J is happy with us and never sees where I find what's wrong with us. I try to tell her, and she wont listen to me.
What she is doing is making it worse. You have to MAKE her listen, otherwise you'll be goign in circles for a long time and things might just burst instead of end in a suttle way. Say something that would get her attention so you both know what is is really listening and not just going to brush it off of her shoulder.
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