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Broken friendships over being roomates.
Yesterday I lost my best friend. I thought of him as my brother. He was living with me in my condo for maybe 8 months with me and my boyfriend. For the past two months I had been charging him rent because things are getting really hard with money and originally he was living here for free. Free as in he didn't even have to buy his own food. He was going through a tough time and I let him in my home. Him and my boyfriend and me had a really close relationship since high school, but then he seemed to get really into his girlfriend who he had been with for 9 months and he proposed to. He started to seem like he was more interested in her than us. He even actually told me straight to my face that he cared about her more than me and my boyfriend, and that really hurt because I see him as my brother. What happened was in the past few weeks we have been at eachothers throats, mostly him and my boyfriend. My boyfriend has a bit of a bossy personality (that he is going to counseling for and getting better) and my friend has a more of a calm but a bit of an ego driven attitude. I also was having some conflicts with him because he was bringing his girlfriend over just about everyday to spend the night and I felt like my home was being invaded and I had no peace. He also would keep telling me, "I have rights as a renter now". He would get mad if I tried to set any rules down in my house and said I was not being fair. We also got in a fight because he wanted his rent money to go directly to bills, in the matter of that he would be paying for them, and I told him no. I said I am in charge of the utilities, its my house. This came up because he thought he could leave lights on and do whatever he wants around the house.
I saw this going on and I decided that maybe it was best if I tell him that the roomate situation was not working out. In my mind, if I would have let him stay it would have ruined all of our friendships. So I told him that it was not working out anymore, I was not kicking him out, I just wanted to give him a notice that maybe it was time to just move on soon for the sake of keeping our friendships and not ruining them, which was obviously happening. When I told him this and how I felt everything seemed fine, like it was going to work out and I was gonna keep my friendship and him and my boyfriend would work on theirs. But just yesterday, he told me that this is all my fault, that I should have stood up to my boyfriend and stopped him from what he thought was bossing him around. I feel like those were their problems that I should not get into. Then he told me he was leaving and stopped talking to me. I texted his girlfriend and asked what was going on and she told me "he realizes what lousy people you are and you treat him like crap and he is going to be alot happier when he is out. he is not your friend anymore." I freaked out and started crying for hours. That is exactly what I was trying to prevent was losing a friend. I feel like I lost my best friend and brother over something that was not worth it. I keep trying to talk to him to fix things but he does not want to. I don't know what to do, I feel like he really does care about his girlfriend more than me, and I don't know if I was the one who messed up or what. I feel lost and I don't know what to do, I just want my brother back and I don't know how to get him back or talk to him or anything. He is not completely moved out yet, so he will be coming back, but I don't know if I should try to talk to him or what. I don't know how to deal with this.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
I guess I can understand where you both are coming from. He was in a time of need and when you offered him help, it seems like he took advantage of it. From what you've said, it doesn't seem like the money was what offended him, rather that you somehow turned your back on him. Now he's returning the favor. See, to him, you watched as your boyfriend bossed him around and decided to look the other way. Of course he's acting as if he cares more about his girlfriend, because to him, you do too. And he's right about having rights as a paying renter now, and even though you are friends, he's also right in wanting to know where his money goes. You have to understand that just because you guys adore each other, it doesn't mean he has to like your boyfriend, and you seem to be forcing that on him. In his eyes, if you get to spend the night with your boyfriend, and he pays, why should he not get to do the same with his girlfriend? The fact that she answered your text message for him instead of choosing to stay out of it, shows that she also played a big role in this problem. When people are in love, they're blinded, and are willing to believe anything their partner tells them, which would explain why he puts her before you at the moment. I think him moving out IS the best thing that could've happened. Basically, the way you're feeling now is the way he's probably been feeling for months now. I know from experience that when two of your best friends start dating, they change completely, and so does their attitudes towards you and vice versa. Considering the fact that your friend is engaged, and you live with your boyfriend, you're at a point in your lives where you might never again be each other's priorities. People move on, and there's nothing wrong with that. Next time he comes back to get his things, talk to him, without your boyfriend so he doesn't feel cornered, and make sure things between you two are fine again. Explain your side of the story, and let him tell his. Hope this helps, and good luck. <3's.
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If I were you, I'd give him a little time. Sometimes, things are said in the heat of the moment that people really don't mean. His girlfriend shouldn't have texted you that mean explanation, but I bet that if asked in a few weeks why your friend moved out, the answer would be much nicer and calmer.
Honestly, I don't think that you've completely lost a friend. I believe that all he needs right now is a cooling off period. So, I wouldn't try to stop him from moving out or even try talking to him for that matter. At least for a few days or possibly weeks. Then you can talk it out calmly. If you don't wait long enough, it could turn into another angry argument. Just relax and wait it out. It's too soon to tell right now sweetie.
I know it seems like a long time to wait, but trust me on this one: People sometimes need some time. I learned that the hard way, and hopefully you won't have to.
Though a good friend over the years, this guy was taking advantage of you. I totally agree with you that the right thing to do to salvage your friendship was to end the living arrangement deal. And you know what? You did save your friendship. Can you imagine how much it would have been ripped apart by constant fighting over rent and bringing girlfriends home? Now you guys have space apart, and maybe that was part of the problem: too much time together. This idea has given you some much-needed breathing space.
In all fairness, it's perfectly normal for him to care strongly for his girlfriend. He shouldn't have said right to your face that he prefers her over you guys, because honestly I don't think that's true. It's not that he loves her more, it's that he loves her differently than you. You're like his sister, she's his lover. You two both have a special place in his heart.
Knowing that, remember that good strong friendships usually last forever. That being said, I think that given a little time, this rift between you two will be nothing more than a learning experience for you both.
Good luck, I really hope all works out for you.
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