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Moving in with my sister possibly.. worth it or not? URGENT!
So I really need an adults help on this.
My own mother.. isn't really helping and my sister is being a jerk to her.
I am 17 years old, I will be starting my senior year in august, and after words I had talked to my sister who lives in florida (I live in michigan) about moving in with her, it was actually her idea in the first place. One day we got off the phone from a great convo, about how she will help me look for a job, because she has tons of connections and stuff. And then I was excited because we concluded it was really going to happen and it would all work out.
Then literally the next day she ignores my calls, but instead calls my mom to tell her that she feels that I'm "expecting" her to do EVERYTHING.
When I finally got to speak with her I asked her what she meant by that and she told me she thinks I expect her to help me find a job and stuff, when she is the one WHO OFFERED.
Then she told me in the beginning that I wouldn't have to pay full rent for the room, I would just pay part since I'd be going to school. (shes going to be living in a 4 bed room apartment) And my part time job, probably wouldn't cut 800-900 dollars a month in the first place.
Then out of nowhere, she decides shes going to pay for my rent completely, because since I'm going to be in school full time (she's making me for insurance reasons for health you know..) that I cant work a full time job and go to school full time. The school I plan on going to is like kind of a tech center.. so full time there is different than a normal 'college'.
Which sounded okay, but with my sister there is always strings attached. She sprung on me yesterday that if I want to live with her, I have to see a therapist. I will be 18 years old, and I feel that is infringing just on.. my FREEDOM. She said if I didn't do it, I couldn't live with her. So the obvious choice you'd say is don't do it.. but I told her fine, its obviously too much to be living with her. BUT she insists if I dont live with her I will amount to nothing. Because in her opinion I am far too young, and immature to ever make it on my own. She tells me stuff like "well I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but I dont see you getting anywhere in life if you just stay home, you'll just end up living with mom forever ( like my brother )" and that is hurtful. Because it feels like shes telling me I'm incompetent and that clearly without her I can do nothing.
I told her she was hurting my feelings, and she said she wasn't trying to. She said I was hurting her feelings by.. my attitude and my lack of interest in coming because of therapy.
As you probably can tell, my sister is a control freak. She told me she wouldn't be "motherly" to me, but this is over the top. Making me go to therapy with NO date of which therapy would end! She says "as long as you're living with me you have to see therapy".
She tells me that I will be her huge responsibility. I am not a child! I was willing to maybe do the therapy thing because I want to live in florida SO bad. But I wonder if its worth putting up with all her "rules" which she hasn't given me all of yet. With her there are always strings attatched. She kept telling me over and over that there will be rules, because it is HER house/apartment. WHICH I understand, but when I asked her like..what specifically they were. She said.. I'm still thinking of them.
I WILL be 18 YEARS old, I'm a christian person, I don't believe in doing drugs, smoking, drinking to get drunk, sex before marriage, and stuff like that. All of which she has exposed herself to. I am not at all like that. She tells me if I'm such a good person that I dont need to worry about the rules since I wouldn't be intending to break them.
But I know if I just go, not knowing the rules, she will spring crap on me, and I will be stuck there. I dont have a problem with rules, but its just its not fair if I'm of age. She keeps saying the rules are to protect me, but if she keeps calling me immature and naive, how am I supposed to ever learn? And how am I such a responsibility to her? She makes well enough money that it shouldn't be a problem. But thats besides the point,. she claimed that we wouldn't be fighting all the time ( i had told her that when I decided I didnt want to come anymore) but she says "we would hardly see each other because I work a lot.) SO.. technically shes just providing financially for me. NOT emotionally, NOT as a friend, NOT as family. Its just strictly money, she says that I'm not adult enough because I cant afford my own apartment. She says because I cannot support myself that I am not an adult, and that I cannot make my own decisions.
I just dont know what to do, because I really do want to move down there. But she would be my guaranteed best bet, to be SURE that I'd have somewhere to live. But her rules and standards are a bit much, and I could craigslist an apartment to share with someone.. but thats iffy because it would be a stranger, you know? And also its not until the summer of 09. And I like to have solid, stable plans made. Not just .. hoping I find something.
I'm SO sorry this is so.. confusing but I spent all night crying about this. Because something very serious was said, and I cannot say it on here, but maybe I could email you possibly?
I dont know I just don't know what to do.
Well I guess I can try to tell you it without completely giving out details.
She told me a reason why she was trying to protect me.. she told me about something that happened to her.. which was very serious and it was a crime, and she laid that on me while I was clearly upset and in an emotional state about her just shoving therapy in my face. I felt like she was trying to guilt me by telling me bad thigns that happened to her ( which is horrible , but not my fault) to obey her rules. By this point I had already decided I didnt want to live with her because she is just too much of a hassle. But she goes and tells me that personal thing.. whilst I'm already upset, and I cant take that, so I say "WHAT are you trying to do GUILT ME?" and she goes " icannot believe I confided in my own sister, and she thinks I'm doing this to her? - you have no heart." SHE is the one who CLEARLY stated I need to see a therapist if I live there because she feels I have emotional problems.. so if thats true. HER telling me something this heavy while I'm already upset,.. helps HOW?!
After that she cried on the phone for like five minutes then told me "why don't you find a better sister then" and she hung up. Then I was freaking out and crying because the things she told me were VERY heavy nothing a 17 year old can handle. And I cannot tell my mom, because that would be breaking my sisters trust. And I've already hurt her by thinking she was trying to guilt me. But you see. . .. my sister and I are close, but not CLOSE CLOSE, she doesn't really tell me anything, its kind of like I Don't know her as a person that well, shes my family, and I love her, but as person we aren't super close. And then you may ask why are you moving in with her? Because I've stayed with her for a couple weeks each summer, and I absolutely love it. We get a long most of the time, despite a couple fights.
But she's really mad at me now, probably more hurt. But.. in the end of all our fights she always blames it on me, or makes me feel like its my fault. I just dont understand how I'm supposed to grow up and fix myself when she is constantly putting me down.
I tried calling her all night and she didnt answer, I called her boyfriends phone because he lives with her and he answered and said she didnt want to talk to me, and she didnt even want to talk tohim. And he said he hated to see us both like this, and he didnt even know what it was about. But... I just DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO..
about the living situation because as much as a hassle it may be, I want to live in florida so much, but I know if I moved in with some stranger, my sister would be waiting for me to fail.
Thank you so much,
and sorry this is so long.
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I don't think I would go. She just has to
many strings attached and to many rules.
She may see you as a child yet but as you
say, you will be 18 and ready to make your
own rules. Not to mention that you don't
need all the stress this is going to cause
while trying to go to school.
I'm afraid that when you actually do move
in with her she is going to be even worse
than she is on the phone. She will tell
who you can be friends with, who you can
or can't date, what time to be home...things
you are old enough to do for yourself.
I suggest you find a school close to home.
Get a job, and when you have enough to make
the bills on your own, move out on your own.
If you are in a hurry to be on your own find
a friend to have as a roommate. Even that I
would only make temporary.
You have plenty of time to move to Florida.
I know you want to go now, but you'd be
miserable. :)
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